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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Hi, I am NEW here...
Post Info TOPIC: Hi, I am NEW here...
gail16


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Hi, I am NEW here...
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Hello, I am married to a functioning alcoholic and I am about to go crazy, so I decided it's finally time to get some help. I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 21 and we married 3 years later and have now been married for over 4 years. I always knew he liked to drink beer, but I didn't realize there was a real problem until after we were married. I realized he would start drinking as soon as he got home from work and wouldn't stop until he went to bed, normally consuming 6-8 beers on weekdays and up to 10-12 on the weekends. I never really noticed it because he didn't drink all the time when we were dating. Now if we are out somewhere to see a movie or at my parents house visiting he won't drink, but if we don't have anything planned for the evening then it's his "beer time". We have gotten into HUGE fights about it and he admitted he might be an alcoholic and I told him he is because he is dependent on beer. He says it relaxes him and he likes the taste and he argues that he doesn't drink and drive and he doesn't abuse me, so it's no big deal. "Oh whatever" is what I said to him about that. It's gotten to the point where he says if I keep up the nagging that I should just leave, he says "I am who I am, take it or leave it." I don't want to divorce over a beverage, but it's an expensive and an un-healthy habit. We are also trying to have a baby and I worry he won't change after we have a baby. My husband is a good man, a hard worker and I love him dearly, but it's at the point where I just don't care anymore and then all of a sudden something inside me snaps and I blow up at him. I can't go on like this, but I know he won't stop drinking and I can't bring myself to leave. So that's my situation, I really don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to me.

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Dorian G Shreve
QOD


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(((gail16)))

You are in the right place here at MIP.  One thing I have learned over the years is you can't change a person just b/c you want to.  Only that person is responsible for that.  And it won't happen unless they want it to happen and work hard at it.  Changing the situation or the environment or even yourself will not change that person.  It will only drive you crazy trying.

Keep coming back to MIP. Read past posts of others experiences.  We are here for you.

Sincerely,
QOD

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QOD
texsmama


Member

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First off, welcome! And I'm glad you are here.

Al-anon is such a great program. I think you will learn a lot from people's past experiences. It has helped me transform myself into the person that I want to be - all the while still living with an alcoholic. I don't know if that makes any sense!


It's true, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. We can probably help with how to deal with it though.

My husband is "not that bad" if you will with alcohol. He does great work at his job, but when he is at home, he consumes probably the same as yours does. It doesn't seem to affect him physically (according to him!), but it does in reality. My AH gets tired more easily, just wants to sleep (blames it on the hours of the job), doesn't help around the house or with the children and is edgy with the me and the kids. It had also escalated into emotional and even physical abuse (minor but still happened).

We, too, were trying to conceive but I told him I couldn't see myself trying to rear another child (we have 4 total, blended family) with him drinking. That's just too much trying to care for so many by myself and working a full time job. And dealing with an A? I don't think so!

My point is, my anger and frustration has subsided in the past month since I've been coming to Al-anon online and going to face to face meetings. My husband has stopped drinking, but it's only been a week and his alcoholic behaviors are of course still there, but they are manageable when I'm in control of my own actions.

I hope you can stick with the program because it works. It's definitely not easy being sober either for them, we are dealing with his frustrations now and it's rough - but I have hope that it'll get better. Hugs!



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lin0606


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Welcome, yes this is the place for you. Try to get to some face to face meetings in your town, read some of the literature, learn what you are dealing with. He will NOT change once a baby comes, count on it. Therefore you need to be really sure that you can happily live with him the way he IS, before getting pregnant. Because, if you think it's hard to leave now, it's lots harder with kids.  My husband sobered up when the kids were in their early teens - all in all things have turned out well for us, but I see the signs of damage done to them, growing up the way they did.  If at all possible, don't make any decisions for 6 months of so, give yourself some time in the program, get a little clarity and you will know better what you want to do. There are people here who have dealt with this in all kinds of ways - some left, some stayed, some stayed and wished they'd left - read our stories and it will help you.  One thing - nagging will not make him stop, it just makes an ugly sound in the house. Save your breath. He knows how you feel, you don't have to tell him over and over. If he could just stop, he would have by now.  

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hudsond


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(((gail16)))

Welcome to MIP!  You have come to a great place!  Come share, read, relax, vent and grow!  I would suggest going to face 2 face meetings if you can!  There are also some books out there that are good--Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (oh, it might be Toby Drew Rice, I always forget the order of the name!!!), then there is the Pathways to Recovery (Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts).  Several of us also like-Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie (this is not Al-Anon approved lit., but it is a good book nontheless!)

Breathe in and out and take things one day at a time.  Keep coming back and you will begin to see what you need to do for you.  Just know we care and are here for you.

Glad you came to the message board!
Dawn

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ally


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(((((((((((((((((Gail))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to Mip.

We have a chatroom thats on 24/7 that is a great place to find the help you so desperately need.
We also have meeting 2wice a day in the rome.  9am and 9pm est  mon - fri
                                                                     10am and 9pm est  sat
                                                                      10am -  7pm est sun

Please come and join us. you will find ways of dealing with your life right now as you cannot change or fix the alcoholic.

looking forward to seeing you

Ally

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Friendofyours


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Don't say he can't change. Sometimes they can. I wish you the best. We are here for you.

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Cucamonga


Veteran Member

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Won't it be great if we didn't need Al Anon?

And we can just live a normal life?  Go out on weekends to movies?  Hang out with people that can drink a can of beer every 2 weeks or so?  Live a life not dominated by addiction and recovery?

Won't it be great if we don't have to stress about where our Alcoholic Spouses are?  If we don't have to worry when they are going to run off on their drinking binge.  When they may compromise the safety and health of our children?

Won't it be great if you can go to work and concentrate on work?  Go on a trip with friends and family and enjoy the trip without tripping on what and where your lovely alcoholic is?

Won't it be great to have a spouse that when they tell you good morning you can believe 1. it's morning, and 2. not yell what's freaking good about this particular morning?

Won't it be great if we don't have to put up with the hate, dillusion, resentment, lash out, mood swings, fault finding tendencies of our alcoholic spouse when they are in recovery?

Won't it be great if we can just stand on top of a hill and tell those that are not yet trapped in a hopeless alcohol damaged relationship?  Yell to them to get OUT.  Yell to them not to bring an innocent baby into the hellish, compromised life of Alcoholism?

Ah!  I wish I was 27 again, with my life ahead of me and not stuck in an alcoholic trap with kids.  Fresh beginning with no baggage.

But unfortunately we are encouraged to not give advise.

-- Edited by Cucamonga at 21:51, 2007-01-24

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jackie


Newbie

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Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone...I think we are married to the same man. The only difference is that we have 2 kids, and let me tell you, kids don't change anything. Hugs to you (and me and everyone else here).

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aunitedway


~*Service Worker*~

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So glad you found us!    This board is wonderful!!  I found  here  that there are others that have been where I was/am. That there are others that understand me like no one else can.  It helped me to see that others are here for me.  To know that I am not alone.

*****   If you need any help to find local meetings.. .. please click on my name and "private message"  me and I will be happy to help you locate one  OR    Here's a  helpful links to find face to face (f2f) meetings in your area: 

  http://www.12stepforums.net/intergroups.html

Hope to see you in chat or at one of MIPS online meetings  ~   (((((BIG HUG)))))  

(if you would like to chat or would like to attend an online meeting here  just click on the link in the yellow LINKS box at the top left of this Boards page.)   ALANON GROUP MEETING / CHAT ROOM 


 Keep coming Back ~  Keep Looking uP!

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mama_nz


Senior Member

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Posts: 124
Date:
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Hi,
You could have been writing about a moment in my life, about 3 years ago.  But we did have a baby together, and it definitely didn't change/help anything for us.  If anything it's worse having an innocent child in the middle.
I have heard all those things you said before: "He says it relaxes him and he likes the taste and he argues that he doesn't drink and drive and he doesn't abuse me, so it's no big deal"...
I used to say to him if he's breathing he'll drink -any excuse, because the sky is blue, because he's thirsty/sad/happy/it's a sunny day/sports is on TV/it was on sale/it's Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday......

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