The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Will Al-Anon be able to help me. I left an abusive marriage after 23 years and jumped right into a new marriage without really taking the time to heal. Three years later it is obvious that my new husband is an alcoholic and I have traded one set of problems for another. On top of all of this, I now live four states away from my family and feel isolated and alone. I know I need help, but everything seems so overwhelming to me. Where do I start?
Have you kept in touch with your family back home? If not, get in touch with them. In my experience, family is always there to help....at least listen.
We are here at MIP also to listen, pass on our own experiences and be a place you can go where everyone understands what you are going through.
This is a great place to come, but I will also suggest face to face al-anon meetings and reading! There are some good books to help you begin to focus and feel like there are others out there who have been where you are and have survived or are surviving! Books I suggest to others are: Getting Then Sober, Codependent No More and Pathways toRecovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts.
Keep coming and posting, asking questions and reading. Find a face to face. We are here and we care!
I have often jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I know the feeling. Going to al anon is a great start. I think learning to detach and focus on me has been so so helpful.
I have been on this board for a year now and I am absolutely a different person than I was a year ago. I still live with an A but it does not eat me up in the same way it used to.
I agree with the suggestion of a face to face meeting to learn more about alanon. One of the tools is the slogan "One day at a time." I try to live my life one day at a time and try to not worry(project) over what may or may not happen in the future. One day at a time helps me to be in the present. To be fully present.
Sometimes life feels so hard it's "One hour at a time" or "One minute at a time."
Yes, there is ALWAYS hope, and the coolest thing about our program is that you are welcomed in, no matter where you are or where you are beginning..... One Day at a Time.
If you can get to meetings, and get your hands on good reading material, and post online here, and reach out to others when you need a friend/shoulder etc., and maybe even find yourself a sponsor...... you will truly be amazed at the results.
Good luck on your journey, and you have already taken an important first step, by posting on the board!
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks everyone for welcoming me here. I have found a face to face meeting very near to me and I plan on going to it on Friday at 1:15. I know I need all the help I can get in this before I will feel able to make any real decisions for myself.
I have felt very deceived by my new husband as before we married he controlled the amount he drank so that I really didn't perceive his drinking to be a problem. It seems though that as soon as I signed the marriage license, my AH decided that gave him free license to go full throttle on the drinking. And from that moment on, I don't know who he is! We did not make love on our Honeymoon because he got so soused, and things haven't changed much in that department since then. It seems he would rather have intimacy with the alcohol then with me and this has really had an effect on my self-esteem! I feel married in name only and this is not going to work for me.
On top of this, I am alone in this state with no family or friends and the promises he made me of building a life together have fallen by the way side. Our two year anniversary will be at the end of July, but I'm not sure we will make it until then as we both are 55 years old and what he said he wanted with me and what I am getting is two different things. I am living "single" in a marriage that has been deceptive from the beginning. If I am going to have to keep living this way, then I would rather go back to my home state and live my life among my family, kids, and grandkids who I miss, and who miss me being in their life. There is no life here and if there isn't going to be one with my new husband then I see no reason to stay here. He supports us, but that is about all I have been able to count on him for.
The first Christmas we were together he bought me fishing gear (we live in Florida) and I couldn't wait for him to take me fishing. Over two years later the fishing gear is still gathering dust in one corner of our bedroom! When he's drinking he says let's go fishing this weekend and then the weekend comes and he's to hungover to get out of bed. I told him not to make any promises to me when he is drinking anymore. And if he forgets and starts to do so...I just walk away and tell him to save whatever he has to say until he is sober.
I didn't come here to make a life by myself and if I have to keep doing this, then I'm going to do it where my other loved ones are. I can't trust him to keep his word on anything and because of this I find my heart withdrawing from him. Can this change? He's a good man when sober, and goes to work each day, but the minute he gets home it's drinking time and the weekends are the same. There is no life here for me and if I'm just holding on for nothing because I'm hoping things will change....I hope someone will be honest enough to tell me this.
Alanon is a great place to start. Here, and at f2f meetings you will find alot of support, love and understanding. And I think, most importantly, that you are not alone.
You said.....
"I can't trust him to keep his word on anything and because of this I find my heart withdrawing from him. Can this change?"
The answer is yes, BUT only when he is ready to make a change for himself. Until then you can change yourself by taking care of you.
