The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you so much Carolinagirl & Andrea12 for your replies to my LONNNGGG post yesterday. It was very encouraging.
Carolinagirl - you mentioned the money thing and how he hasn't worked in 13 months. Well, he hasn't worked STEADY. He has managed to hold down a job for a month or 2 here and there. And currently he is working on getting on with this other company and hopefully the pay will be good. IF that works out, I could sure make use of that money. I am in no way fooling myself into believing he will hold that job down for more than a couple of months. But for those couple of months, I could use his income for food and bills. I do realize that he is costing me more money than he is bringing home. I mean, he can flat out eat when he wants to. Sometimes I get so mad b/c I will buy something sweet for myself and when I go to eat some of it, it is gone. And when the munchies hit him, forget about it. All I hear is how there isn't anything in the house to eat. Plus, the amount of money I am forking out for his truck payment & auto insurance and credit card bills and some medical bills he has from an emergency room trip he made back in the Spring due to a week long bender and didn't have any insurance. I could go on and on.
Andrea12 - you are so right about things being tight......I can do it on my own. I know I can...or believe I can. It would be VERY TIGHT. But I could do it. I think I am scared to completely cross that line. I am basically all set to do it. I have my own house, my bills in my name and his in his name. All I have to do is cut the rope and send him off. But I am scared for him if I do that. His grandma already has.....b/c he broke her heart by not showing up for his grandpa's funeral. His mom loves him to death but is so mad w/him. Yet she wants the daily update on him. Aaahh who knows.
Thanks glad I could help in some way. I think we all have these feelings of If I do something it's gonna cause something for the A. That may be true, but the result is they learn to deal with the consequences of their actions. The fact that he has fallen out with his family is not your fault or your responsibility to deal with the fallout from that. He has caused it and he will have to deal with it. I know that you know in your heart that you're not saving him by continuing to "help" him along. I did the same for a long time, made sure all the bills were paid etc. Finally I just took the money and ran. I have the kids, I have all the responsibilities and I am not the one who get's dui's goes to jail, goes to the hospital without insurance, racks up the credit cards on a runner, and treats the people I love like a doormat. Ok well maybe the last one sometimes. But the point is it's not my problem to clean up his mess and it was hard for me to let go and just let him fall however far he was gonna fall. It's a different way of thinking but I tell ya it's working for me and the other way wasn't.
The "letting go" is so hard. Every once in a while I feel strong enough to do it. Then I falter. And I know all of these things that I am supposed to do, just got to set myself to doing them.
I know, that was hard for me too. It still is. I find potential people to date now and think I really haven't totally cut the cord to him but every day I continue to say no, you can't come home, no you can't stay the night, no I won't come bring the kids to see you , no no no. Now he hardly ever calls and is working a program. I have decided that I want to be treated a certain way. I want romance, surprise flowers or little gifts, cute little actions, tenderness, sweetness, etc. So I decided I'm just going to sit back and watch him go on about his business and see what happens. Half of me hopes he'll find someone else so I don't have that door open anymore and have to move on. Half of me still hopes he'll get better and we can work it out but I don't think I can ever really trust him again. I am in limbo. I am struggling financially, I have managed to get by every month for the past 5 months. It feels like giving up but it sure is a relief when you find other things to fill up your time than his BS!
I can definitely relate to shouldering so many of the bills. I also know with alcholism nothing is ever enough. No matter what I do for the A it is never enough so I no longer try to jump for that impossible goal. I do know it is hard hard work to get everything separated. I am working on getting the truck issue separated and it will take me a while longer. I just think plan b all day long and hold onto it. I am not one for pushing things. I think the time to leave an A presents itself. Dont' be should woulda, coulda'ed into anything. Maresie.
