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What a wicked number it does to a person when they have run out of the booze or the drugs. My AH has been home with the kids this week because he hasn't had work in two weeks. We're financially hanging on by a thread, but one alternative was to take the kids out of daycare for a week or two to conserve the money. My AH has been substituting pot for alcohol lately. I do believe on some level he is aware that he is becoming dependent on that too. It feels almost the same to me as when he was actively drinking, just not the heightened energy, the beligerent attitude is not there either, but my feelings of anxiety and worry come back. When that happens I get too involved in his stuff and have to remind myself to detach. Over the weekend and the last couple of weeks I have had to tell myself to detach several times a day. He is snappy today, but trying to have a normal day with the kids, taking them to the park, etc. When he says I may be on edge for a while because he doesn't have it, I know that means to really be mindful of my attitude. Anything could set him off. It's exhausting some days, I have realized that one of my personality flaws has been the inability to accept that others will not do things the way I do them. I'm really practicing acceptance this week. Things will not get done the way I like them to be, the boys won't have the kind of structure or activities that I'd love for them to have, but Dad will do the best he can. Last night I got home from work dead tired and the house was not picked up, dishes everywhere, bed unmade, etc. That's when I knew, he's really depressed over not having work, but then I realized he was out of weed. To him.... he feels like he's trapped with having to think about himself and all the things he doesn't like right now. Its very uneasy for us in the home, because our personality flaws are magnified for him. I become the oager who has something to say about everything, the kids become unruly and irritating. (Their 3 their unruly and quiet irritating a times). So life this week is going to be interesting. One day at a time, and not to expect things from him that I know will not get done.
Thanks for listening, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I completely understand what you are describing. For our household it had always been when money gets real tight the depression would set in... and I used to get upset, because she would continue to buy booze and then complain we had no money for any fun? Boy that got under my skin for a long time.
After a while I figured out that it is not just the need for the booze (although I know that's a big one), but guilt... Huge guilt because she knew where the fun money had gone.
Hang in there, and like you said... all you can do is keep your side of the street clean.
Take care of you.... you are doing great!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I hope that you can find some peace and serenity this week. When my ah is not acting the way I want him to I recite the serenity prayer over and over. Sometimes it helps (sometimes not). Just keep your chin up and try to keep taking those next right steps.
I'd rather have a pothead than an alcoholic any day of the week! But that aside, sorry you are having to walk on eggshells. Hopefully this will pass soon!
No words of advice, only support for you and what you are going through. Stay strong and take care of you. I have been through the running out of drugs, money, etc. It is no fun.
The A I live with is a pothead. If he doesn't do it he gets very grumpy and mean. Right now he can't do alcohol because he is on a program for his liver. On pot he is pleasant humorous and tolerant. If he is detoxing his temper is terrible. Underlying that is a terrible depression that can paralyze him. I have had my own bouts of paralyzing depression and my own issues with rage.
I see much of myself in the A. I also see that the A cannot give and take. I'm not sure I can either. I am such a giver. I find it particularly difficult to take. I think there are ways that the A and I fit together, ways I do not much like to look at. I can focus on him as the problem but I can also focus on how he worked for me for so long. I can make it all him in a second but I can also make it my business to take care of me.
