The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know whats happening to me this week but their is a new side to Ally showing in here. The real Lynn is showing through. Ally is fun, etc. Lynn is struggling big time in her life right now. I have a situation in my life that has been going on for a few months now. A relationship. We has been friends for years, closer last few years. In the last few months we took the friendship a step further to a physical relationship. It was fun to start with. We both said we could handle it. As the weeks went on I realised I was not dealing with the situation. My feelings were becomming stronger for him. We lead our own lives, and meet when we have time off together. We have also kept this relationship a secret. At first just for us.But it has stayed a secret (whatever). Then he told me he was feeling guilty about our relationship. And he didn't know why. He is a recovering A,(6 years). So he felt he was doing ssomething wrong. We talked about this and both deceided to end it. I cried about this after a few days, I felt a sense of loss. I spoke to him, but It was obvious he was not coping with watching me crying infront of him. So we left it there. Last week I heard he hadn't been well, and was depressed. So I sent him a message saying, Im still here and your friend alright.(this was ally fixing someone). Making him feel better,
A few nights later he asked me to go in see him. And he wanted to be physical that night. It never happened because of circumstances (but i wanted to). So we talked and really made progress, talking about things that had been unsaid and the programme. He is good at encouraging me, telling me to stand up for myself, etc. Anyway this bugged my WHY he had called me after watching me so upset because we had ended it. Did he not care about me at all.
So I went in tonight to see him.and I said to him WHY did you come back to me, he said I dont't know. Then we looked at eachother and YES we got physical again. We have a chemistry between us that is too strong to resist.(and we are both free and single). But after that I wanted answers again. And basically he cannot offer anything more than sex. He said it shoud be seperate lives and we should be able to deal with that. (Yeah right). So I told him I do not have a brick for a heart. I have feelings for him, which he has always known. And he ever said I should have Stopped him from sleeping with me, because he wasn't strong enough to resist. Well he got step 1 right back at him. Ally is "Powerless" over other people. So he said if im hurting that much I would stop this, and yes he is right. I'm struggling to do this. I have felt so much for a long time for him. And now I feel used and totally worthless. I know I let myself be like this. We have a really good, reliable , trusting, open friendship, always have done. But right now I am thinking I hate him. He Is so good with his programme now, can deal with things,(NOT). But I asked him after all these years does he not care about me at all. He said yes I care about what happens to you. I am now feeling all the symptoms all the characters of this illness. Angry, rejected, worthless, cheap, scared, unloved. And yes he would say "Poor Ally", pity pot, but so what. I am human, I have feelings, a good heart I love and care for everyone. Am I NOT allowed to feel pain within myself. I hide so much behind laughter, because usually it helps me to cope. This has broken my heart yet AGAIN. I have let it. I am hurting and right now I don't feel I will ever get over this. He has been a major part in my life for so long. And he wants us to still be friends with or without a physical relationship. But I am so lost tonight , and I'm crying again. I am sick of being in this place in my life. Will I ever climb out of it. HOW do i move on from this. What is best for me. Right now I cant answer any of they questions. I just want to curl up and make it go away.
I am sittng here tonight, I have spoken wiith two roomies, I have laughed with them. But the laughter stops and the heartbreak begins again. I think I am realising tonight. This has been going on in my life for so long. Looking for this person to make me happy. I now know for me to be happy I have to let him go. This is a terrifing thought for me. But I know I have a whole lot of love to share with someone, and I don't think it will be him.
Looking for some e,s&h. If anyone has any. I can't do this on my own.
I haven't been where you are in 20 years, so not much experience to share I am afraid. But a question... If the pain you feel was over something a little less emotional, how would you handle it.
Let's say the situation was a close friend who decided today was the day (after years of friendly support) to say your program was a bunch of poop. That we had brainwashed you and you should do something else. Same pain of a relationship lost, same hurt from being dismissed as less than able to look out for yourself and the same lack of caring for your feelings. What would you do then?
I have for many years done what I knew deep down was wrong for me... in the name of love.
Sounds to me like you know what is right, and the way you wrote your post you have a good handle on his motivations and maturity about this. That means to me that you are doing great, you have shown awareness.
That is the first step towards planning and action.
Just like anyone else, you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery. Some people we run into along the way are not ment to be perminant fixtures. They pop in to teach us something and then move on to take their own path. They leave behind experiences for us to learn from, and that makes them good.
I might have overstepped a bit on this one, but I understand your pain and I hope you can take what you like and leave the rest.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 21:30, 2007-01-23
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
ohhh ally am so sorry hen i know this will be killing ya, But you so deserve the love of a good man not da scraps hen And some day in time it will come hen u got to believe that. Just take things a day at a time for now till u get ur head around all this, be gentle with urself hen, your a wonderful caring person with a beautiful heart. believe that because its true hen.
Time now is to take ur focus from this guy just for today and think about yourself, hes not going anywhere and neither is you, but please think better of yourself in anyways ya can right now, lift your alanon lit read it get to meetings, do what ya need to do for you hen, this too shall pass.
From the heart comes the hope of the present, From memories dreams from the past. From the soul comes the spirit of living, From experience, lessons that last. Look ahead to see where you are going, Look behind to see where you have been. Look inside to discover your purpose, Then let your life’s voyage begin.
i know what you speak of. that tremendous love you have in your heart is evident... i see it, i'm betting everyone else here sees it, and i bet most everybody you deal with in life sees it. i wonder if Lynn sees it. do you like you? do you love you?
i've thought, recently, about all the relationships i've had in my life... and how did i end up here, now, alone, again. well, these gals that i've tried to share my love and life with - they are all good people, but i came to the conclusion that they CANNOT meet my needs. those needs include reciprocating the love i give to them. i've found out i can't demand they love me in the same way i love them, so i move on. i used to get terribly depressed that i would never find the one TRUE love, and think i should SETTLE for less than my needs -- always got me in trouble with my fearful heart. i'd end up giving all my heart, and not getting the return favor. excrutiating, heart-breaking, every time.
my program has given me the strength to pick up that 300lb phone, get my butt to a meeting, even sit down alone and find the ROOTS of my dreadful fealings.
you are worth it, ally. work it. whatever these feelings you have, you know you have us and Al-Anon to lean on.
lots of love, always to you cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am so sorry Ally. You are NOT having a pity party for yourself. You are grieving and you have every right to feel the way you do! You were used! You wanted love and he wanted sex. You also compromised what you value most, your love. When I meet someone, the first thing I tell them is I am looking for a commitment from someone and someone who places family above all else in life. The people who are not looking for the same thing say so. There's no games and it's very upfront. If you can't give me these things I value most then you're wasting our time. It feels so good to stand up for what I want and not compromise myself. I am also in the process of using creative visualization for creating the life I want by cutting out pictures in magazines and making a collage of the things I want in my life. HP knows the desires of your heart and will gladly give them to you when you value yourself. That is what I have learned.
Here's a big hug > and a shoulder for you to cry upon.
Lynn, Trying to understand why an alcohlic (drinking or not) does something is so beyond my comprehension. Everyday I am baffled by the decissions my "A" makes and the thought process of other "A"s that I know.
A few years ago my "A" and I split up after being togther for 4 years. we had a 2 year old and another on the way. He disappeared from our lives for a few months. When he first showed up on my doorstep to see our daughter and ask about our unborn child I was floored. I was (and still am) so in love with him. I would have done anything to make him love me again, to want to be with me again. We got physical again and all that did was hurt me more. It was great while we were together, but when he left I felt like trash some of the same feelings you said how you feel, I felt them to.
I wondered why I was good enough to sleep with, but not be with. I didn't get it. Then low and behold, I started getting better, I was going to meetings, and working my program. I even got to the point were I was okay with not getting back together with him. That is when he started talking about renewing the relationship and becoming a couple again. And you know what, I said I wasn't sure. I wanted to think on it.
I had learned to love me (I have lost that) and knew that I deserved to be more than just someone he can treat like crap. We did get back together and we had a few great months where we were both working a program.
I think what my "A" did was very selfish. He knew I wanted to be with him so badly that I would do anything to have a shot. I think what I did was so selfish. I wanted to be with him so badly that I did things that hurt me just so I could have a shot. Funny when I stopped trying, I got my shot.
Please know that you can come to me if you need a listening ear. You can cry on my virtual shoulder. I love you! You are a great pal to laugh with, and a great friend who listens, I want to do the same for you.
((((((((((((((nutjob)))))))))))))))))) us nut jobs gotta stick together. Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
The best thing I can recommend is two words.... "don't settle." There's a better situation out there for you! Be patient and kind to yourself. Don't settle! What you are getting from this relationship is so far from what it is supposed to be. Love is supposed to feel good. I don't believe that this person is "the one." You deserve better for yourself. Hang in there.. you will get through the pain. The sooner the better. Make those boundaries. You probably won't be able to be "just friends" with this guy. Hold out for better! It'll only get worse if you let it continue. There won't be any satisfaction in that. You will get past this.... it takes time.
I dunno, I have a different take on this. To me, the idea of someone I care for, respect, am friends with, who I could have a phyical relationship with without any real commitment, no living together - man, that sounds like heaven. I have often thought that if my husband could have stayed my living- in -another-town boyfriend, we would have been much happier all these years. So - maybe he is more like me than he is like you, and has enough respect for both of you to be honest about this. Maybe it is not a rejection, but just the reality of you two wanting different things. Love doesn't only work one way, that would be like saying there is only one way to dance. Doesn't mean you have to settle for something that is not what you want, doesn't mean it won't hurt, not getting what you want, but you don't have to take it personally.
I agree with something lin said. Sounds like two people who are learning who they are and what they want. And that possibly the two want different things. Its not good or bad, it just is. Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. We always suffer dissapointment when things don't work out the way we want them too.
The way I see it, he didnt take advantage any more than you did. He might say, you should have stopped me because I cant resist you...this is truth. He wanted to be physical with you. And truth is that you wanted to be physical with him as well. Do not feel cheap, you are not cheap. That is a lie!
Going forward we do things and we learn. If we do something and discover it isnt what we want for ourselves we can change it. But if we dont do something to begin with, we can't know what we want.
Keep your chin up my friend. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. Love yourself first and foremost. When we can stand alone and say we truly love ourselves, we will no longer question ourselves. We will know who we are and what we need. And will accept no less.
(((Ally))) As I was reading your post, I kept thinking of some ESH I could give you, but from reading what the others have written, you have received a lot of loving, wise, ESH already. I guess I will just second the statement that you are not cheap. You have a loving and open heart. You are physically attracted to the guy. I am physically attracted to my AH, too, but that doesn't mean that he's always there for me mentally. The physical side is easy, it is the everyday living, and wanting to feel loved along with it, that has always been hard for me. For me, in my life, I have picked men whom I am physically attracted to, and it has been hard to accept that the strong feelings we receive from physical intimacy does not equal real intimacy. And from fairy tales to modern movies, the story goes that if YOU love someone enough, they will love you back enough, and "Once Upon A Time, They Lived Happily Ever After." What a crock that is. Glad you are here. You do not have to always keep up a front of having fun among friends here. We all hurt. I know it was probably very painful for you to write your post and expose your story, but am very proud of you for doing it. Ally, you DO deserve more than crumbs. You deserve someone who will love you back the way you love them. You seem to have a good and kind heart. The pain will lessen the more you are here, I have found. I have chatted and posted until my fingers couldn't move anymore. And I found friends here who were willing to listen, and share my pain. And I pray a lot. Best wishes to you, sweet Ally. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I am so sorry you are hurting, but I do know you and I do know that you will get through this and be a better person for having gone through it. You are a wonderful person and deserve someone equally wonderful. The pain is difficult to go through, but just think how wonderful you will feel when you work through the pain. Wow!! Talk about growth!
I am here for you, loving you and lifting you up in prayer.
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