The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a while since I have posted. Life is so busy. We finally sold our house and I bought a new one in my own name. We moved last Tuesday. Or rather should I say, the kids and I with the help of my family, moved a huge household worth of stuff. My AH was absent through most of it. No wait, that is not fair.....he did move a bunch of stuff into storage and helped me empty our old house. And did drop 3 trailers worth of stuff off at my parents house and put up our dog pin at the new house. I reckon I ought to be happy w/that. But really I am just embarressed.
You see, my AH's grandfather passed away on Jan 12. The viewings were Mon night, Tues afternoon & Tues night. All 3 of which my husband went to. Now, we had to be out of our old house by 11:00 Tues. We accomplished this ONLY b/c my family came & busted butt w/the packing. A fact that pissed my AH off royally. We got into a huge fight about it Mon night after everyone had left. He said my family was selfish and only looked out for themselves. I still can't comprehend this. They came to my house on a weeknight after working all day and having to work the next day and put in some serious hours of labor and THEY are supposed to be selfish????? I am confused. Not only did they help me pack up but they helped me move my mega amounts of stuff into my new house while I pretended my husband was off w/his family for support - when really after Tuesday night, I had no clue where he was. My family helped me all week long. He was missing and I only told my parents. I was so embarressed.
So anyway, on Tues, after my husband put up the dog pin for our dog to stay in, he bolted. He went to his mom's to get cleaned up and off he went to the funeral home. He did NOT come home afterwards. In fact, he didn't even show up for the funeral the next day. I didn't hear from him until Thurs night. He said he was coming home but he never showed. He and his sister (who was in town for the funeral) disappeared until late late on Friday. She was due to get on a plane back home on Saturday. They both showed up at their mom's house, where they crashed. Supposedly she was straight, he was not.
He finally showed up at my house Saturday night while my sister & her husband were there helping me move in the washer & dryer. It was extremely awkward when he arrived. They promptly left. He showered up and visited w/the kids a bit. At bedtime he asked if I had any painkillers to help him sleep. I told him no...all I had was Tylenol PM. Somehow some cold med w/codene I had in my medicine box for 6months has disappeared. HMMM?? He slept all night w/the TV & DVD running LOUD. Then he pretty much laid around Sunday & Monday. Today he is working on a "To Do List" I left him but every time I talk to him, he sounds exhausted & down in dumps. He said he was just trying to get motivated.
He has been working on getting this job for the last 8 weeks and it was just about to pan out for him when his grandfather passed away. He put it on hold and now is in jeopardy of not getting it b/c he may test positive for drugs when he goes in for the drug test.
I am so frustrated. I cannot continue to pay my bills and his bills w/my salary. Something has got to give. Yet, b/c he has not hardly worked for 13 months and we are just now getting out from under that huge mortgage, I am deep in debt. I find I want him to get straight, get this job and contribute to the debt for a while so I can get back on my feet again. Otherwise, I will sink on my own. I feel so guilty in thinking this. I love this man. I am just tired of his games. I am tired of him lashing out at me whenever life isn't going his way. I am tired of his talking himself up....how great he is, what a hard worker he is, how responsible he is - when his addictions prove just the opposite. I am tired of him putting my family down just b/c they are trying to help me and as a result making him feel like a failure. But I need MONEY. And I know if I kick him out, he definately will not go get a job. And that means I definately will not get any money from him. So I am acting as his crutch....only to get help w/my bills for a while.
Wow, that's a flashback! I can't even say how many times I have helped him because then I would benefit from it. Funny, turns out that it always bit me in the butt. I would help him, he would do what he was supposed to for a while, I would rely on that money and then he'd go to jail or rack up the credit cards on a runner, etc. In my case it just wasn't worth it to be with him anymore. He never wanted to do anything with me and the kids, he was mean and nasty drunk or sober and just plain resentful of his life and everything and everyone. Now he doesn't have us around to resent anymore. We visit and he gets a look but that's it. He is starting to pay support, I thought he would run for sure. I'm still expecting it. I understand the money thing, no you're not selfish but it is also not your job to pay his bills. Another thing you mentioned that I thought was funny is that he hasn't worked for 13 months so really what money are you losing without him there? Just curious. Sounds like you get all the bills and none of the money? You get to sacrifice and give things up and he get's to rest and relax? Just a few things I noticed in your post.
I can tell you I understand, because I do...I have been in your shoes....I can remember letting my husband come home from rehab because I didn't know how I was going to financially make it.....I remember taking alot of shit from him because I needed the extra income....I can remember feeling so low that I didn't think I would ever get up again...
Darlin lady I am standing, alone and proud....one day I just had enough, just started a job which by the way I hated after being a stay at home mom for 10 yrs.....not even a paycheck yet and I had enough, I packed him and his stuff up and here I stand.....
By no means was this easy....for many months I would cry, scream and almost ask him to come back...by the grace of god I did not......don't get me wrong..things are tight at times...but here I stand....I have peace and I can and will sruvive....:)
I so know that tired feeling, and as to the selfishness... If you don't take care of you, who will? I always felt selfish for wanting to do stuff others didn't want to do, for not wanting to do so many lavish things so we could save money. At some point I realized that wasn't selfishness I was feeling, it was panic and the realization that I was doing and allowing the wrong things and ignoring the consequences.
We make plenty of money, but we are always broke. Spend $1000 month on beer and cigarettes and then want to blow and go every weekend... and save nothing? That was my disease saying that was ok.... I knew that for a fact when I read "the merry-go-round called denial". I just sat and cried for the first time in years.
Work with a credit councelor, make up an honest budget and see where you really are. If he hasn't contributed in 13 months, you have a pretty good idea of what income you can count on.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you sort this out, but you can do it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so sorry for the hard time! Sometimes I would love to live in a barter society, but then I remember I don't much to barter and trade, so I would still be out of luck! Finances are so hard. I do agree with others though--if he hasn't really been contributing for 13 months are you sure you couldn't make it w/o him (not that you have to let him go--just that maybe although it would be tight, you still might be able to handle things--especially if you aren't paying his bills). Where I messed up is that everything is in my name and I do mean everything. If I could get away with not paying his bills and it not reflecting back on me I would have done that. (But I am so scared about bad credit that I just can't let the bills go)
Anyway-I just wanted you to know, we are on your side and hope you can find a way to handle things. Your HP will take care of you!
I have my finances separated from my AH. I have my house in my name, my car, insurance, credit card bills, etc. He has his car & truck, credit card bills etc in his name. I have continued to pay his bills for this last year even though it has been hard. And the only reason I made it that long was b/c I have a great boss who gave me a few extra bonuses this year to help out. I can't count on those bonuses this year though and shouldn't expect my boss to help me pay for bills that he nor I are responsible for.
I am going to hang in there I think just a little longer......to get my feet firmly planted on the ground. We just moved in to my new house last week. My AH will mess up again and when he does, I will cut the line. Sad that I have zero confidence in him to get clean and stay that way. What a shame.
Thanks for all the encouragement and advice and for letting me vent and brainstorm. Hugs to all.
