The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking lately about the differences between the men's and the women's responses to their situations and in their posts/responses to others. Sometimes I get rather jealous--this may be in my head or just the way I'm seeing it, but the men seem to be so matter of fact about their choices/decisions/responses. I don't think they sound mean or heartless, but just rather look at the facts in the situations and respond to that. (Now they may have emotional reactions--I am sure they do, but what amazes me is the "common sense" that seems to flow through them). I think I tend to look at everything at a more emotional level and I wonder if this does not throw my steps off. I do think (know) I have common sense, but more times than not I let my little tiny heart have a great voice in the decision making process (that is not to say we want to cut off our heart in these matters, just maybe the head should have a stronger voice.).
Anyway I guess I just wanted to say--I really enjoy seeing how the men handle their situations. I must admit that I am jealous at times b/c I feel that they make it look so simple (not that it is guys you are just good at projecting that I think!.)
Anybody else have a thought on that or is this just in my head.
I agree Dawn. In fact I get very jealous at most of the posts I read. I think..."Oh, I wish I could write like that" or "why don't I ever have that kind of insight?" I just seem to post the facts about what is going on in my life. I don't really think that what I write is helping anyone else. I feel like I am always needing someone to say something to help me.
OK...I am rambling. I will go and think of somthing important and smart to post. lol
Being a man, I can relate to this idea pretty well. I think I've been rational about the situation I'm in, but to the exclusion of emotion at times. It's been a month for me since the full weight of my wife's alcoholism was revealed to me, and I still haven't had an emotional outpouring, whether that's anger or crying or anything else that's expressed outwardly. I feel emotions, but my way of coping is emotional distance and rational thought.
So, as a result, I've been taking care of myself, but I'm also ready to leave my wife. Mainly because the emotional attachment isn't there. This thread helps me understand why I'm ready to leave a fairly stable situation while others are willing to stay in what seem to be very challenging and painful situations. If I could access my emotions, maybe I'd be making more of an effort to stay married. But likely not, if I'm honest.
Anyway, I guess I fit the stereotype too. Interesting thought.
I probably can't speak in general for the men, and my own situation is different from most because so much of my dealings with active alcoholism are in the past. It's definitely a lot easier to be "matter of fact" when you're not in the thick of it, believe me. I think of the World War II veterans being interviewed in documentaries - and I'm seeing wise old men telling their stories, and even though they say so - it's still hard to picture them as 18, 19, 20 year old kids in a life-and-death struggle where the object is not merely to survive, but to accomplish their mission.
When I was a 20-something step-parent with an alcoholic, drug addicted, acting-out stepdaughter living under the same roof... and we were getting hassled by neighbors, police, school authorities... it wasn't all calm and practical. Believe me. I wasn't in any program then, but if I had been - oh boy, you all would have been hearing my list of resentments, fears, all the she-did he-said uh-oh oh-shit stories. Oh yes.
When I was a 30-something ex step-parent, I had cut off most contact with the wayward one, who had moved out of town. I had to - I was divorced, and though I was a wreck emotionally, I felt that my wife had made the choice to take herself out of my life, and therefore the problems of her kids were no longer my problems. I sort of followed the adventures by hearsay, and it was interesting to get different stories from different parts of the family as to the situation.
Being hundreds of miles away, I missed out on the detoxes, the busts, the shady characters, and at least one "Pulp Fiction" style overdose. I was aware of the situation, but thankfully spared the details. I still probably haven't heard them all, but that doesn't matter now.
When it was suggested to daughter and boyfriend by one of his "business associates" that they ought to leave town... they came back. Here. Not to move in, but back in town. It was then I first met my granddaughter, who was 7 months old. I saw that little pearl of perfection in the middle of the storm, and I was astonished. I feared for her, but someone much more powerful was looking out for her.
It was not long after, came the bust, jail, and recovery and a new life for all except the father, who is still out there somewhere. It was 11 months after I saw the baby in the crib, sound asleep with her perfect little strawberry blond bangs, that the same child ran up to me, with a smile of delight I will never forget, and wrapped her arms around my leg. My life has not been the same since.
After that came more fear... the father... always trouble. It took five years and two more moves to expunge him from the family. He's one of those people I have like _zero_ trouble detaching from. Oh boy, did I have my ideas for solving THAT problem. But I let it run its course... I had to leave my most precious in the hands of my higher power. Boy was that scary. Not as scary, in retrospect, as it would have been if I had taken charge of things... LOL.
I sometimes resent anonymity.... I wish I could post a picture of my most precious. I can tell you but I so much want to show you! But, I respect their anonymity as much or moreso than my own. And in fact, I keep my own anonymity here to protect theirs.
Oh yeah, I have a grandson too... different father, same mother... major difference in the father! And I have other stepkids, and they have kids. But I guess it was meant to be - the crazy A daughter, the one I thought would wreck my marriage and my life - is the only thing left of that marriage, and the best thing IN my life today. My, my, how I don't know what's good for me.
Well, speaking as just ONE man who posts regularly on this board....
I often find it much easier to see through OTHER people's problems, and sort out their options, than I do my own.... Maybe that is my "do as I say, not as I do" mantra - not on purpose, but sometimes it certainly feels like that.
As for your other comments, I remember that "Mars and Venus" book, that described in a fair amount of detail the generic ways that both men and women figure out things..... Men are often more "straight line" and direct, whereas women are often more "circular" and need to work through things from the emotional side. In my humble opinion, neither way is "right" or "better" than the other, and the key is a balance of both. We all learn from each other in meetings, online boards, etc., and we're all on equal footing here - some are at different places in their recovery, but that's about the only real difference.
My sponsor, who is also a male, often reminds me of focussing on the "what is", not the "what if". I like that reminder, as it helps keep my eyes focussed on the important things. In the immortal words of Joe Friday (of Dragnet fame, for all you youngsters out there) "Just the facts Ma'am"
Thanks for the post
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've had similar thoughts. I'm not sure I can explain my thoughts so bear with me here LOL
I think (just my opinon) men have a harder time reaching out for help sometimes, perhaps the men we see here have truly hit their bottom and are ready to accept the steps and slogans, tools etc that help us.
OK keep with the my opinion thought here ... girls believe in fairy tales, I know my brother does not believe in half the things I believe may happen LOL. I've kept the fairy tale belief, he lives much more in reality. Neither is better just different.
Then there is the whole thought process and communication thing ... I work with all women, and my family is almost all men. The difference between communicating with each area is amazing ... honestly I know more about some of my coworkers thoughts and lives then my male relatives that have been around me for 35 years. I catch myself telling my female support system what happened and how I felt, I find myself telling my male support system what happened and what I need to do. That is when I am not crying on their shoulder baffling them with my uncharacteristic show of feminity LOL
My thoughts are just that ... weird thoughts I have had. But you are not alone I have sometimes wondered about the difference too.
I done a post not long ago called "MEN IN ALANON". sharing some of the feelings like you. Great thing about my post was I got loads of replies to it. From men and women.
If you get a change "search for Ally", you will find it.
This is an interesting topic for me. I have also posted about feelings that all men are evil, heartless, don't have feelings, etc. I could have probably gone through life like that had I not given birth to a boy (thank the A for that one!!!). I feel like I can understand men so much better now I can see many things about them are just they way they are born and they can't help it. I can see that HE is capable of WAY more love than both my two girls combined. Maybe this is what attracts us to the a's their vulnerability and immaturity like little boys. I know that men can also be caring I think they just express it differently. I also think women are more genetically programmed to attach to the male for the sake of survival of themselves and their offspring than males are to attach to their female. just some ideas on that....
