The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night at my f2f someone was talking about being involved in worrying, trying to control, trying to fix other's situations. She said she believes that when she became overinvolved with someone elses issues...it was because there was something about her own life that she was avoiding looking at and dealing with.
Does that ring true for anyone? I would like to know how you can tell that is what is going on.
I find that to be a fairly accurate statement about me as well. When I am busy pointing out what others should be or should not be doing I am usually avoiding the direction I am being pointed to. I am better at recognizing when I am pushing my will upon someone else but not all the time. I find when I fail to recognize it - it is usually a hard lesson I need to learn.
As to how I know when I am doing this - Im not real sure how to answer that. I guess I start feeling uncomfortable about things with that person. When I step back and evaluate the situation I can see what my part is.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Yes, that makes sense to me. Looking back before Alanon. My roll was to fix and control everything, except me. The drama and chaos only fed my own disease. The worse it would get, the more in control of THEM I tried to be. The more insane the situation got, the more frustrated and crazy I got. It was ME that needed fixing first. I needed to care enough for myself not to live in their drama, giving myself some peace and a chance to focus on what really mattered, me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Absolutely this makes sense! And your friend is bullseye with her e/s/h.
It is imperative to me to practice changing the things I can change. When I focus on other people, their issues, their problems, their whatevers, what I'm really saying is "I feel so powerless in my own life. I feel so weak and miserable. I feel so alone in my own skin. And since I can't find a solution RIGHT NOW, I'm going to find someone who's life is MORE miserable, MORE painful, MORE pitiful, MORE loatheful, and make MYSELF FEEL BETTER by trying to FIX THEM. I'm going to do EVERYTHING I CAN to come out looking like the hero by giving you soutions you DIDN'T ask for, for problems you MAY NOT have, for issues you MAY NOT want to discuss, for things in your life you MAY NOT be ready to handle. Furthermore, I am going to take interening action FOR you and the result will be that I take it AGAINST you, HURTING you. You didn't ASK for my help, and you didn't WANT my solutions. But because of MY PAIN, I'm going to try and FIX YOU."
Sound twisted? It is! It's very very selfish, self serving and self motivated. It's a motive based in pain and pain relief. It's motivated out of the belief that "If I don't do SOMETHING about this pain, I WILL ALWAYS live in this pain. I WILL NEVER be OUT OF pain. And I WILL ALWAYS suffer WITH pain. I WILL DIE OF pain. "
Therefore, it becomes imperative that I remember "This too shall pass." "Just for today." "Easy does it." "Keep it simple, surrender."
I specialized in enmeshment in all kinds of relationships. These days I really try not to. I have had to start over on so many levels. The only way I knew how to relate for the longest times was to enmesh. Now I work hard on being independent and self reliant. I had no limits till I came to al anon.
I feel you hit it right on the spot Gailey. I use to be like that years ago. Helping others all the time and forgetting about my needs. I believe there is a balance to this as long as we are healthy and have the energy to help. Living in a family with alcoholism sure takes alot out of us and makes us dysfunctional too. Time to work on us :) fluffy xoxoxoxo
