The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 12 yo daughter was supposed to stay at a friend's house until tonight but had to come home early yesterday. First, her and her friend spray painted F you on the wall inside the shed at the girls house. They painted over it and that problem was solved. Now last night the two of them were home alone with the girl's 15 yo brother who is ADHD and apparently has an anger mgmt. problem. The brother started beating his sister and my daughter jumped in trying to help and got hit a few times then she ran out of the house to get help. Long and short, police were called and she had to come home (not because she was in trouble or anything). I realized as we were sitting in the car and she was telling the story that she was animated, almost excited and it hit me. Oh god! She's thriving on the chaos. What have I done? Then when we got home we had a long talk about the people she is attracted to. Always drama, never just normal everyday kids. She's also very judgmental about the kids here. We talked about what attracts her to people. Her problem is she's very very smart with no common sense and NEVER wrong! I would love some advice on how to get through to her, get her to reflect on herself and what I'm telling her. Anything?
hi sweetie, well one thing I learned was to tighten up. Check where she is staying. Talk to the parents, make sure they can get ahold of you.
what is a 12 year old doing alone at someones house? I know you probably did not know.But to leave girls and boys like that is insane.
Not pointing fingers at you. As far as talk, they won't listen. First set boundaries for her. She has to ask permission, you check on her, a lot. Does she have a cell phone? I would get her one to be able to check on her. They have ones now that follow them all over so you know where they are.
I am not kidding, when they hit this age you have to watch them all the more. Let her know ALL the time you love her. If she is a butt correct her and say I love you. If she is stomping around, say we don't stomp in this house. If you cont. you are choosing to stay at the table for 10 minutes.
Rules/boundaries and exact,easy to understand consequences.
for instance, empty garbage every morn. If it is not done before you go to school, you may use the phone that night and maybe go somewhere after homework or have someone here. Then the consequence, no phone, no friends no tv.
If she blows it, ya say well I would not make that choice but it was up to you.
Period. NO argument, no yabutts.
Write the rules down so there is NO question.
When she is away tell her to call you at certain times. Where did they get the paint/ where were the parents?
Structured time, swimming, skating, shopping with an adult. keep her busy at positive stuff.
Library, movies, etc.
What is her passion? If it can be done encourage it. It will keep her out of so much trouble. I loved animals so my parents allowed that.
getting horse saved my life. motorcycles were my sons passion.
You can talk too, but I would set boundaries the foundation first. Then have discussions about things when ya go for ice cream or a drive, lighten up about it, ask what she thinks. It does nto have to be sad and mean. uno?
I would not tell her she thrives on drama. don't even put that in her pretty head!!!I would say, you like skating don't you? why don't we check out the times etc.
or If she likes horses, check at feed stores put an add up about her wanting a horse to ride and groom.I would love for a kid to come do that with mine.
Think how YOU would feel in her place. She sounds bored to me. teens and preteens live in drama that is what they do. They need you to lighten up but stick to the rules.
The first thing I tell you from my experience is tht it quite probaby has nothing to do with you. My grandaughter (daughter) was not brought up in chaos although she saw it with the other kids and her birth mother.
This is the daughter who left and moved out just before Christmas. From my experience and what I have seen from other children this age, a lot of their choices about chaos seem to simply "absorbed" from this world we live in.
I sat all those boundaries for my daughter and would do it again! ..... but just before she turned 18 she still moved out. The fact is we can do the best we know how to do and that's the best we can do.
Like anyone else, they are going to make their own choices. They still need our help in making the right ones .... even though they don't think so.
Set the boundaries and stick to them ... every so often you may need to change the boundaries, but hang in there!!!! You will do great!!!!
Just dont put the blame back on yourself as I have done occasionally. We are parents, still subject to the authority of God, ...... progress not perfection.
First and foremost - ((((carolinagirl))). Second, this has nothing to do with what YOU'VE done....rather a situation in life and how she has chosen to handle it.
Now, I am not at all an expert and cannot really give advice. All I can do is share with you my experience and you can decide if it may work for you.
I have a 13 year old boy. Now my husband is an addict and has always put hanging w/his friends 1st. The last couple of years have been EXTREMELY difficult as my son started realizing what was really going on and wasn't fooled that Dad was just working. His behavior in school and at home was showing it. He was getting into trouble left and right. I knew I had to do something....something to help him w/his anger management issues and help him learn how to chose better friends and make better choices. I took a chance on karate. I found a great establishment in my town (I looked at quite a few) and got him enrolled. It was something he had mentioned doing in the past so I decided to bite the bullet & get him started. Now money has been tight for years and I let the karate place know that and let them know why I was enrolling my son. It has done wonders for him. He has become more confident, more responsible, more respectful. There are different types of karate places. The one I chose is NOT the military type practice but more of a motivational/family oriented type of place. I am not pushing karate b/c it is not for all people. But for my kid, it worked wonders. If you can't get her involved in karate, find some other source of interest for her. Something positive.
I've got a couple of teens myself and the girl (15) runs with a crowd that certainly thrives on drama. I deal with it by both tightening up, and loosening up. I know where she is and who she is with, all the time. She knows that if she is late, I WILL come looking for her, and I WILL embarrass her. I know her friends, and their parents - we talk, and the kids all know that we talk. I also know and talk to all her teachers. The computer is in the living room where we can see it, she has a phone extension in her room but we can pick up down here and listen, and she knows it. However, in a lot of ways we let her do as she pleases - no arguments about dying her hair, how she dresses, what time she goes to bed, what she watches on TV, what she reads, what video games she plays. As long as there is no food up there to go bad and the laundry gets to the hamper, I don't care what her room looks like. Her friends are always welcome here. We talk about TV, movies, books - she knows what I approve of and what I don't and why, but I no longer censor her at all. She knows that she can tell me things - I don't say that I know everything that is going on, but I do know which of her friends drinks, who is gay, who is suicidal. I make a point of not being shocked and shutting down the conversation, no matter where it goes. This child of an alcoholic home has the reputation among her friends as the stable sensible one, who doesn't get dragged into the drama. Mostly, this is all due to her own good sense and general "good-kid-ness" but it also is because this program is active in our home. Both my husband and I really try to practice the principles in everyday life, and alanon comes into raising teens, every day. "How important is it", "detach with love", "make amends", "keep your own side of the street clean..... Kids this age love drama, it's not just your daughter. If you are keeping the lines of communication open, she'll be fine.
