The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I thought I was doing well enough to start allowing my ex (A) and father of my son back into my life a little more, he'd come over here for dinner and spend time with our son and we'd take our son out on weekends together. He says the drinking and associated bad behaviours is over.
But I still don't trust him. I only feel comfortable with him when he is around me and I can see he's not drunk. But if he's back at home at his place and calls me I always think he sounds like he's been drinking. Then I get a big knot in my stomach because I'd feel furious if he has been lying to me still, and is just trying to have his cake and eat it too. Then I think I don't want to know about it anymore!! I try not to focus on him, then he calls me again the next day, sounding better and says how much he's trying, how he wants to spend time with me and our son.
Really irks me. Deep down I know I don't like him any more and I don't trust him, yet I find myself still giving him chances. WHY???
I guess part of me still can't completely cut ties because if I am truly honest with myself some part of me wants to still always know what he's doing, like it's an injustice on me. Why can't I just get over it and realise he's not drinking to purposely upset me, it's nothing to do with me.
I know I have to focus on me but sometimes the temptation is so great to be involved with him, just because we have a history, so it's easier. Easier than making a new life, and more dramatic. I know that temptation is greatest when I am bored, or by myself and feel lonely, or am out with friends who are couples and I want to be in a partnership and love and be loved.
Is this what it is like for an A? An over-whelming temptation?
I do believe the temptation can be very overpower for an A, there are so many triggers that could set that off. My AH goes through temptation all the time, somedays he just can't be around alcohol or anyone that is drinking for fear that he'll cave and have a drink.
Our addiction to our A's is similiar to that temptation. We become addicted to the chaos and worrying over our A's. I can remember when I was into my first year of dating my A, I did everything he wanted to do, I went out drinking with him, and when I discovered that maybe he's got a problem I began monitoring how many drinks he's had. I began worrying and confronting him about how much he was drinking. I was completely enmeshed in his problem and forgot about me. I lost interest in doing the things I once loved doing, I paid more attention to solving his problems and managing his emotions than my own. Got myself into a real pickle. So now that I'm working a program, going to therapy and trying to discover me again, at times I allow some of his choices to affect me a little too much. Something that maybe wouldn't bother another person bothers me. I have to examine that feeling because its temptation to go right back to worrrying over him more than myself. I can get that way very quickly and when I do, life is not happy in my home. My AH feels like he's being treated like a helpless child, like every choice he makes is wrong. He considers my remarks criticisms. Remember that our thinking is just as distorted as their thinking.
What I try when I see myself slipping back into that cycle... I find a quiet place say the Serenity prayer, chat with a friend, get on the message board, or read some Alanon literature. A face to face meeting is a great way to remove yourself from the unhealthy behavior and look at it from a different perspective. When I'm able to step back I can usually see my part in the situation, usually because I've allowed myself to become too sensitive to something my AH has said or done. I don't detach emotionally at that point. Hope some of this helps. Keep the focus on you and keep practicing detaching with love.
Peace,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think it is very much like that for them - I know how hard it is for me sometimes to do what I know I should be doing. How I turn the situation around, and try to find a way to make it look like I am doing the right thing, even when I know it is not. How I sometimes just throw my hands up and say "I don't care, I'm tired and I want to take the easy way!" It all sounds pretty familiar, doesn't it? Sickness is sickness, addiction is addiction... When we think of how hard it is for us, and then remember that many of our A's also have a physical addiction too, on top of the mental and emotional dependency, it makes it easier not to hate them for it. As for the problem of not trusting him - you might want to make it easier on yourself and just assume that he IS drinking, whenever he can. Then you can keep the focus on you - is he drinking when he is with you? There is a boundary that is not too hard for you to keep. What he does when he is away from you is just too much - no wonder it is driving you crazy.
