OK, rtexas got me to thinking. I sometimes try to write my AH a note, or letter, and it backfires on me. I have examined my motives, and I just have wanted him to know my true feelings. But, it often angers him. Lately, I have written to him, and torn them up before I give him a chance to read them. At least it helps me feel a little better, but it makes me sad, too, that he cannot see beyond the words to my heart. Have you ever written to your A, even tho' they may never read it? Give it a try. I am going to be a little more "free" with my words in this, since I know he will never read it, but basically, this is what I wish he could read. Thanks, rtexas.
Well, I was going to start by saying how much I love you, but you already know that. In fact, I probably tell you that more than you care to hear!
We have been thru so much together. So many years, so many memories. So much confusion, so much laughter, tears, and hurt. Misplaced trust, separation, infidelity, angry words. But, through it all, we are still together. There must be some reason why, altho' for the life of me, I don't know why.
I have had too many marriages, as you so often remind me, but you have been married before too. I have no explaination for my behavior, but I have finally found a way to live without all that craziness from the past. You, B., are my heart. You have found a place in it that no one else ever has. I have never been one to stay around for long when things got tough. Not until you, that is.
When we were younger, and first dating in 1986, I thought you hung the moon and stars. You were not ready, though, for a full-time relationship. The time I found you with another woman broke my heart into a million jagged pieces. We had that awful fight, and hurt each other about a year after that, and it tore us apart for 9 years. I married a man I did not love. His biggest fault was he was not you. I remember running into you on the night of my "bachelorette party". When we talked, I just wanted you to take me in your arms, tell me you still loved me, and to not marry K. But you didn't. I went home and sobbed into my pillow. K. just blamed it on pre-wedding jitters. He did not know I still loved someone I couldn't have.
When I left K., in 1997, and you and I reconnected, I was the happiest I had ever been. You seemed to not be drinking as much as you did in the old days. You seemed, this time, to think that I hung the moon and stars! You amazed me the way you cared about me this time. It took my daughter a little time to accept that we were back together, since it tore her apart to see me so hurt by you before. She did not trust you. She gradually learned to love you, too. It seemed, during the time we were apart, that neither one of us found anyone we cared as much about, as we did each other.
Things were pretty good with us from 1997, and when you asked me to marry you in 1999, at Christmas, I thought my world was complete. My daughter had found someone she loved and who loved her. She was in a happy relationship. She was also very happy for us.
We got married in 2000, and things could not have been better. We both had good jobs, we bought our little house, we had plans. Things were great for about 3 more years. Then the drinking got worse. You drank every day. You got moody. You got mean. You hurt me with your words. I was confused, scared. I thought those days were gone. I began to take pills for depression. My world was crumbling around me. How could this be?
In January, 2004, you came home in a foul mood and started yelling at me and threatening me. I tried to ignore it, my stomach hurt, my head hurt. I felt like everything was spinning out of control. And it was.
What followed that day was a nightmare of police, courts, separation, pain, sorrow, loneliness, and fear. Misplaced blame. Irrational behavior, thoughts, threats. My daughter and her husband became involved, through no fault of their own. Even when you came back home after almost 4 months, I could not depend on you to stay here. You acted like you hated me most of the time. You would not touch me. Your kiss was just a memory.
Alcohol has destroyed the trust, the beauty of our relationship, and our family. My daughter and her new family will not come to our home, because of you. And, that's OK with you, because you don't want them here. Your mother and I, who have always loved each other, have had bitter words. My mental health declined until I was admitted to the hospital last September after my therapist perceived my aggravation as a suicide threat. I was in the hospital for 3 days, and you never came to see me. By then, I did want to die. When I was released from the hospital, and came home, I just wanted things to go back to being good between us. But, that was not to be, too much damage was done.
A few days after Christmas, last year, when you became hateful towards me, and called my daughter up and became abusive to her on the phone, was the last straw for her. She called the police when you would not let her talk to me, and you got arrested again. It was not her fault, it was your fault. She was scared for her Mom.
On New Years Day, after being alone for days, I found Miracles in Progress. This is something you don't even know about me. You know I do some kind of Al-Anon thing, but you don't know for sure what.
I wish so badly to share this part of my life with you. I have friends I never dreamed of having. I have people who love me, and who I love. I have learned so much about your disease and why you act like you do. When I look at you, when you have not been drinking, I see the young man you were. Your blue eyes and your strong lean body. I do not see the man you have become, your eyes now clouded by the alcohol, never clear as before. The wrinkles that now line your handsome face. The slackness in your features.
I wish I could tell you who I really am. I am a faithful friend, a good wife. I am creative, I love nature. There was a time when I loved you more than I did myself. I miss my Dad so much. I was only 16 when he died from alcoholism. He was a good and loving Dad, though. I wish I could visit my sister in Colorado, and see my little great nephew, Ryan. I worry about my Mom who lives 800 miles away from me and is getting older. I wish I had time to just play, we spend so much time apart. You are angry and drunk so much, and I just have to go away, or go to bed to escape the ravages of your disease. I want to do so much with my life. I want our house to be cozy and warm, not ravaged by a disease. I want things organized and homey, not confused and messy.
I hate, hate, hate what alcohol has done to you, to us. To our family. I do not know the man who comes in your place when you have had too much to drink. That man is hateful and mean. That is not the fun, joking, loving man I knew. The man who taught me how to fish, how to camp. Who taught me to have trust in myself. The man who comes in your place now, does not want me to be happy. He wants me to hurt. When that man goes away, and you come back, I am happy again. I feel whole. Alcohol tries so often to destroy me, but I am getting stronger. I do not feel as devestated as I once did. Sometimes I still hurt, but I am only human. Al-Anon is not a quick fix or a guarantee against pain. I still have feelings.
I hope and pray that things do not become so bad in our lives that I will have to leave. I am afraid that someday, I will reach my limit, and then there will be no turning back for me. That seems to be how I am, once I am hurt one time too many, I will leave. I do not even know what my limit is until I reach it. I want our marriage to survive, somehow. And I know you do too. When you have too much to drink, then you say the most incredible things. Crazy, insane. Your mannerisms change, your physical being changes, you even change your accent, the way you talk! I do not know you then. You are a stranger, a monster, a demon. I refuse to listen or talk to you then. It would not be good for either one of us. I have learned to detach, and take care of myself, love myself.
I know the reason you do not want my daughter around, is because you feel guilty for what you have done. I do not expect her to forgive and forget. I only pray that she will someday realize that alcoholism is a disease, and that you are not forcing me to stay. I pray that she not be consumed by her anger towards you. I am only here because I want to be, for now. I will never turn my back on her, though. I will continue to be in her life, and she in mine, no matter what crazy things you say.
But, B., Al-Anon is saving me. I am learning new things every day. I know I can survive, one day at a time. I am trying every day to give you to HP. I do not cause you to drink, I cannot control your drinking, and I cannot cure you. You must choose your own path. I wish so much that we could travel the path together.
I am a Miracle In Progress. God is working a miracle through me every day. The very fact that I am still able to love you, in spite of your disease and the trouble it causes is a miracle. I know you have been introduced to AA, and sometimes you try to not drink. I wish with all my heart you could see everything that AA has to offer. You can find recovery, but it has to come from within you. I cannot do it for you. But, I hopefully will be here by your side, should you ever decide.
I miss you so much. I love you.
That was absolutely beautiful. That brought tears to my eyes. I WISH he could see it and truly absorb it, that is unconditional, soulmate love you have for him.
You sound strong, and compassionate, and hopeful..... I hoped that helped you to write that... amazing... my heart aches for you yet roots for your happiness and his possible recovery!
My name is Phil..and Im an A ..on the AA board..and also a member of Alanon...
Your share blew me away....
I see so much bashing...blame..reacting..and resentment ..because of this damned disease...its sad..
Noone asked for.. what they have gone through...in either program..noone..
Thank God...that we have a fellowship and a program...re trying to live our lives..and we are all..never alone..
And yup Im a guy...and you even brought tears to me eyes..:)
You all have the best day that you can...love
Thanks, Phil and Hersh ((((hugstoyou))))
I didn't realize how long that thing was going to be, I was just writing from my heart. It was probably kind of confusing.
Hersh, glad you wrote. Glad we have each other to share our ESH!
Phil~ so glad to meet you. It was good to have some input from a guy, and an A. Yes, the amount of blame, bashing, reacting, etc. is staggering! Thanks to Al-Anon, the amount of my crazy involvement in all of that has significantly decreased! If one of us did not have a program, there is no doubt that we would not be together now.
No, neither my husband or I asked for any of the junk we have gone thru'. This disease is just so devestating. That is why I try to keep loving him in spite, I would not leave him if he had cancer, or alzheimer's or anything else. My program allows me the freedom to stay, as long as I take care of myself. I am grateful for that!
Glad you are here! And you are right, Phil......Thank God.....every day!
Love in Recovery,
<sniff><sniff>... you win...
That was truly beautiful. It kills me that many of our stories are so simular. Strange and disasterous things happen to people all over the world every day. People say to them ... "I know how you feel", knowing full well they don't... they have never been there.
Then there is this disease... so predictable, so tragic. And a fellowship of people from all over the world that know exactly how you feel. Some of them come together to offer support and the benefit of their experience.
If I can do this for one that doesn't have the benefit of knowing Al-Anon exists I will be happy. It has truly saved my life.
Phil, I so appreciate you being here too. I don't know if you will read this or not, but My Father was the first A in my life. He's been sober for about 25 years now. He and I never talked about it, until I started to go to Al-Anon and shared with my parents some of what my AW and I have been going through. He has been very supportive.
I have tremendous respect for anyone who can get sober and stay that way. I have seen in my wife what a struggle this is. Congratulations for you for being in the program, and thank you for being here.
Take care of you!
Ditto what everyone else said. I can't write much as I am bawling my eyes out.
Love and blessings to you.
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
That was such a beautiful love letter! It is heartbreaking to know that he may not see it as such.
You are so insightful to not send it to him! I wrote a similar letter, pouring out my my heart to my husband, he was enraged. His disease only saw the part about him being sick...and attacked that. He ignored the other 99% of the letter which was all about how much I loved him and why. That hurt....I have learned since to protect myself. There is a saying about not throwing pearls before swine...and that I how I look at him now.
You are so eloquent, it was really beutiful about how honest you were with so much love and compassion for him.
What a beautiful person you are to write such a letter.
Lots of Love to you dear Becky,
im just bawling my eyes out...but everything u said is exactly how my world feels...
thnak you for sharing.... my love and strength goes out to you.... your a very special person..ur husband is very lucky to have you in his life..even if he doesn't always appreciate it...
thanks again... xxx
Thank you for sharing your innermost heart. I cannot begin to articulate well the way these 'Letters to the Alcoholic Loved One' have made me feel. I feel privileged; honoured to have been a part of such tender, touching yet tragically sad expressions of life and love.
I personally remember all too well how much I wanted to share my heart with my A when he was drinking. I was not in recovery at the time. I chose not to write the letters as knowing my own nature, I couldn't have laid my soul bare then not given them to him. I knew I would 'expect' a response and it would of course be the 'wrong' one. I also could never have brought myself to write them for my benefit and well-being then destroyed them (it would be too much like shredding my own heart and his illness had done a pretty good job of that already). I also feared that if I kept them they would ultimately be found and my A's shame and guilt was so immense already I sensed it would destroy him. I believe today that my HP was guiding me.
I say to you 'never say never'. If you can keep them safe, one day your A may find recovery and when the time is right and HP willing he may hear your words. My husband and I separated, divorced and after both eventually joining our respective recovery programs, reconciled. I have since had the opportunity to tell him all those things I thought he'd never know. It was truly a blessing.
I had feared when we first reconciled that too much damage had been done and we would never be able to recover the purity and goodness of the love we had once shared. I was afraid we wouldn't get the 'taint' out. We didn't-our HP's did and in many ways our love is deeper and more mature. That's not to say we don't still have challenges, issues or difficulties but we're committed to working them out together. Some days we do better than others. It's all about learning and growth for me, progress not perfection...and I love my A for the gloriously imperfect human-being he is and yes, I love me too!
Thank you once again for giving me the opportunity to recognise and be grateful for the good things that can come out of surviving this dreadful disease.
X Maria X
P.S I did not find your post in any way confusing and I am easily confused!