"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ling · Veteran Member

would u have him back?

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Hi ling,

I think the only person who can answer that question, is you. If you feel in your heart that you can trust him again. Trust takes a lot of time and patience to re-build.

Only you know what you both have been through, and if it's worth it. Maybe try counseling.

I wish I could give you the answers. Shoot I wish someone could give me the answers.

-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Monday 16th of July 2018 01:35:54 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ling,

This is a VERY difficult and personal question to answer the one thing I go back to is I read here on the boards and I wish I could remember who said it to give them credit.

If you knew in 5 years nothing was going to change and you understand that alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease, can you love the addict right where they are with no demands of them being different. The only person you are going to change is YOU .. no one else.

I changed up the words of the original statement, if you knew nothing was going to change, if you knew they were going to be active can you be ok with that and can you live your life regardless of what the A is doing or not doing.

The other question I have for you is are you attending meetings either here on line, phone meetings or in person, do you have a support group because there is so much healing and work to be done regardless again of what the A is doing, active, recovery whatever .. doesn't matter.

If allowed these situations suck the life out of me and I become very sick, if addiction is a 3 fold issue then mine is 4 fold, I have the added reality of being stark raving sober and that's a hard place to be with someone who is in the throws of whatever they are going through.

Big hugs and keep coming back,

S :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't pretend to know any of the circumstances as to what he was jailed for, nor your history with him, but I think my answer is pretty much unchanged with or without that information.

1. What is he committing to, in order to give him (and ultimately the two of you) the opportunity for a much better outcome? My experience is that people, and more particularly A's - will typically try to do the minimal amount humanly possible so that things can stay the same. One of my favorite sayings is that we will get help, once we are "sick and tired of being sick and tired". So I guess I ask that question of you Ling - are you sick and tired of being sick and tired yet? If you are, then it is the perfect time to have a plan of recovery for yourself, with or without him. If you are taking care of yourself, and your needs, I think the decision of whether or not to allow him another chance, or not formally close the door to a future chance, becomes less imposing.

Take care

Tom

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Trust takes time. Meeting and a supportive sponsor and a belief in a loving higher power I think can be really helpful in both AA and Alanon for learning to trust ourselves and others. Both are one day at a time programs. His job will be to ask himself each day if he can trust himself with the help of his hp to keep sober. Yours as was already stated will be if willing to trust yourself to be patient with early sobriety which often comes with slips remorse and something false promises and sometimes genuine effort. Our job I think as Alanons is to just keep taking care of ourselves and give time time as they say. Keep hopeful but mostly keep taking care of you. He'll have his fellows in AA and his higher power who will have his back. In support of you, TT

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

For me , trust is earned not just handed over, once broken whether you are an alcoholic/ addict or not . I pay little attention to what people say and instead I watch what they do. It takes time for trust to be built again and it will be at my own pace, what I am comfortable with, not when the addict in my life demands it.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ling and welcome back...this post brings back old memories and also memories of the whole journey in recovery. My first delusion was that I would have never married the addict in the first place HAD I KNOWN and then...I didn't know at all. Still I brought it to an end and continued on. The second time I was delusional and insane with the "HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT THIS TIME"?? and so then I still didn't know. The third time it was worse still as it is supposed to be because as Hot Rod and the rest of the family tell us this disease is progressive and I had to learn how it progress with me rather than focus on the alcoholics and addicts I kept relationships with. So would I have THEM back? With my program in tact and working I wouldn't get into another relationship with someone I didn't want to. I've learned much and how to do that in Al-Anon. My present marriage is over 23 years new and my life and happiness isn't dependent on her at all. Does she or will she drink alcohol...I don't think so as she also is a member of this program and comes from the affect of the disease in her life also. I don't drink for her...I work the program as best I can for me. Keep coming back ((((hug s )))) smile

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Such an interesting question, and in some respects, it might appear to be a simple answer, yet in many others, it is a very difficult one. That, and at the same time, if opens the door to a much larger discussion. That said, when faced with the same thing -- the do I take her back discussion -- did become a much larger discussion. First, trust had a lot to do with it. Trust is not something that comes from simply pushing a button or flipping a switch. So, for me, my experience was that I could NOT allow the circumstances to drive the discussion or the decision. I couldn't make a decision simply because the circumstances where what they were, or because of the timing of the circumstances, or because some point in time was driving a decision. I had to make the decision -- not the circumstances.

Second, there is no talk that restores trust. What can restore trust? Great question. Time, comfort, change, actions, and safety. I don't mean safety in the pure danger sense, but for me, I had to feel "safe" living with my alcoholic wife. My sponsor and I spent a lot of time discussing this, and we did a lot of work on this -- and the conclusion I came to was that there was nothing she could say that would make me feel "safe" -- safe in that she made a decision to stop drinking AND begin to live a life of recovery. This made it simple. Was she drinking or not? Simple yes or no. Was she going to AA meetings? Simple yes or no. Did she have a sponsor and was she working her program so that and because she wanted to and maintain a life of sobriety and recovery? Simple yes or no. Emotionally, while I wanted to take her back, I did not want this to be like every other time! Why? Because I was a human ATM machine giving out a never-ending supply of "one more chance" and "one last change" -- but I allowed my emotions to supercede my health and well-being -- and I kept taking her back again and again and again. So, this time, I learned I had the right to ask -- because it was in the best interest of my health and well-being -- and I asked all of those questions. I also asked if those things didn't occur -- that she understood -- she would have to leave again. You see, I didn't give her an ultimatum that she could come home as long as she didn't drink. I didn't demand that she didn't drink. I didn't threaten her that she'd have to leave again if she drank.

What I did was decide what was in my best interest for my health and well-being. I decided what was acceptable and unacceptable. I decided what kind of life -- home life, marriage, day to day, etc. -- I wanted to live. And, where I landed was -- you can drink if you want to, that is up to you, but it's not the way I want to live. So, if that's the case, and you haven't decided on your own, because you want to, to be clean and sober, live a life of sobriety and recovery, go to AA meetings, etc. -- then you can't live with me. It's not a condition I gave...it was a decision she had to make.

I also looked long and hard at what she was willing to commit to -- changes she claimed she had made, was going to make, etc. -- I also told her changes I had made. I did this to determine and hopefully have her determine -- although she is an alcoholic -- was there a better/higher probability of success this time. I recognized right away that she was looking to "negotiate" and rationalize, and justify -- in advance -- that I "had to understand" certain things, and accept certain things, and that things that happened in the past were my fault, me trying to police her, me nagging her, and so on. Was I trying to force a round peg in a square hole? Sure I was. Because I wanted what I wanted -- I wanted her to get better. I wanted her to want to get better. By letting her come home...I WAS ONCE AGAIN SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE. I expected the hardware store to have bread! Time and time again. How was that working for me? Not good. Was that her fault? Of course not. It was on me.

For me -- the only thing was -- was I ready to get better. To get healthy. I had to remove emotion from the decision, because the emotional aspect is what drove me to unhealthy decisions in the past, and it drove me to it time and time again. You asked for "a suggestion for our getting my 'trust' back talk" -- and in my experience, that doesn't exist. You see, it's not about him, his disease, what he says, etc. It's about what he does. Has he decided to get clean and sober, and live a life of recovery. This is about YOU. There is no talk that cures this disease. There is no talk that restores what you think you need. That talk could be manipulation, blame, guilt, denial, deflection, etc. -- and that's from him. What about YOU? You asked "what action could we take?" -- it is not a "we" as far as I am concerned. It is a YOU decision.

Just my experience...take what you like and leave the rest.

Tude · Senior Member

Hi ling. As shared above only you can make that decision. It's up to you tho, to take care of you. Alcoholism doesn't just go away. However, some firm boundaries while you work your program can certainly help. What has he done in that tiny amount of time away that has changed anything in "action" not in word? Is he going to AA meetings or checking into a treatment program? "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and that works for the alcoholic as well as the ones with the alcoholic. We have to take charge of our own lives first and realize what alcohol has done to damage us. Hugs and prayers

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I personally would not have taken my A back. With distance I realized that I picked someone that, even if he hadn't been an alcoholic, was different enough from me that there always would have been a mismatch between us. Plus I now know that I should never get involved with an alcoholic, even one who has been sober many years. The problem is that I am vulnerable to addicts, just as alcoholics are vulnerable to alcohol. If he fell off the wagon, I wouldn't react like a healthy person. I would be very inclined to plunge right into my old codependent behaviors. Now, maybe I would use all my Al-Anon tools and I'd save myself. But I don't want to risk it. Just as alcoholics are better off not going into bars, even if they intend not to drink, I'm better staying away from alcoholics, where I won't be tempted back into my old self-damaging behaviors. So I personally wouldn't go back to mine.

The good news about your situation is that there's no hurry. If he's going to be a healthy, sober, recovering person, he will still be that way (and even more that way) a year from now. As the saying is, "More will be revealed." In fact waiting and being very cautious would be the most promising sign for recovery on both your parts.

-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 17th of July 2018 10:17:41 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

After some time in Alanon working on me and my motives behaviours and attitudes I learned trust wasn't what I thought it was. I thought the other person had to behave to earn my trust but that's looking outside again and trying to change or control things or people outside of me. Alanon taught me i have to trust myself. First to set boundaries and stick with the consequences. To say no if it was the right thing. To remove my body away from drama and chaos. To not accept unacceptable behaviour. I had to trust myself that I could look after myself properly and then no one in my life had to earn my trust or change in any way really. If course change happened all around me. As soon as I had enough self respect and self love to care for myself others responded to this. There's no short cuts. There's only commitment to recovery and a spiritual life.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

After the first time in rehab, I did take him back... for my child, not for me. However, he WAS doing so well! I began to see glimmers of the person I fell in love with and married. I began to have hope, and I could feel me falling back in love with him. Then he decided that he didn't need to work his program anymore. I fell back into co-dependent ways and allowed boundaries to be crossed until a different addiction took over our lives.

This second time, I just couldn't live with all the deceit! So I left. My spouse is now working his program... he is doing great! But I too worked MY program, and I learned more about myself... and I came to understand that I can't live with the possibility of relapse. Ever. I accepted this in myself. So I knew the marriage was over, regardless of where he was in his program/life.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"