Greetings alis-I had one boyfriend that it took a number of tries to break up with. He simply wouldn't hear it, or accept it, or his alcohol and pot use kept him so removed he just lived in denial. The help I have gotten over the last 5 years from Alanon is a blessing and a life-changer. I have had a repetitive action of choosing addicted partners. I'm in my second marriage with an alcoholic, currently a dry drunk at the present time. If you desire some healthy change for yourself, I encourage you to try our program. Best, Lyne

alis wrote:

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HI

I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have been trying to break up with him for around a year of that time.

Before Christmas last year I made it very clear that I would not be seeing him again and that this would not change. Previously during our 'breakups', he would promise to be reliable,  then would become verbally abusive, manipulative, threaten suicide and then switch to very kind and caring- whatever took his fancy at that particular moment in time.

Since Christmas, if I don't respond to his text messages or phone calls in a prompt manner (which I never do now) he becomes insistent and can call 6 or 7 times over the space of 10 minutes (or more) , send nice texts, send abusive texts, you tube songs, create different email address to contact me through (???) threatens to come over to my house, threatens to post his side of the story on the internet, send it to my family and people I work with, tells me that I've behaved badly and am ungrateful. He just refuses to break up and it seems that there is nothing that I can do to convince him.

He is a man who has been drinking in an unhealthy capacity for over 20 years. I first realized there was a problem at around 3 months into the relationship when he was drinking in the morning and always smelled of alcohol. He says that he has stopped drinking for the past year (well, says he's stopped drinking in front of me).  It would appear to me that his rants by text indicate that he is still drinking. I am starting to despise him.

He also takes significant amounts of prescription drugs including morphine for a bad back. He is a man in a well-paid job but who never seems to have any money, he cannot arrive anywhere on time, he becomes verbally abusive if alcoholism is mentioned and denies any propensity to addiction. I am now aware that he's had problems with cocaine addiction in the past.

I'm sure that you've all heard this same story a hundred times but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance:)

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alis, welcome...I am sorry you are facing this, and please don't mistake my bluntness for a lack of compassion or feeling. That said, what is going on here is harassment. Plain and simple. I am not being generic -- I am speaking criminally and legally. This is harassment. And you should not underestimate it, him, or trivialize this at all. This is possibly, depending on your state, also terroristic threats. You should block his phone number. That will relegate him to using other people's phones and just email. You should also notify the police. This may sound like an extreme step, but it is not. He is threatening you! And he is harassing you! Period.

As far as the rest, detach from all of this. Don't think about him any longer -- drugs, alcohol, back, work, etc. Forget him and move on with your life. Don't let him live in your head. Focus on YOU. Go to meetings, if you are; do your readings, speak with people from the meetings, healthy people, and keep learning how to live your life in a healthy way.

All the best.

Hi Everyone
Thanks for getting back to me on this and Bo bluntness is great with me!

It is harassment and I've requested a number of times that he ceases or I will take legal steps - it makes no difference at all - it's as if he's right and that's the end of the discussion.

I've blocked my phone and email but can't change my work email. He also creates new email addresses and contacts me that way. I find it very peculiar that he can behave in this way just because I no longer want to be with him - he's taken it as a huge insult and also if I mention that the start of the trouble was his drinking and compete unreliability he threatens to write to everyone he knows to tell them that I am besmirching his name. There is a massive ego issue here mixed up with denial. I can't control who he writes to and/or what he posts online but I have told him that he is walking a legal, fine-line with his threats.

'Freetime' - I liked your analogy re. the car. It makes sense. For some time, I was trying to understand his thinking but gave up doing so, a while ago, as neither do his thought patterns compute and nor is his behavior in any way, shape or form, normal. He's a typical, charming sort of a man who becomes less charming and decreasingly attractive as events unfold.

So ultimately, your advice is 'move on' - this is very easy advice to follow as I have no emotional connection to him, anymore. He has pushed the boundaries of decency to the extreme and has no concept or interest in anything other than his ego and addictions remaining intact. I no longer feel sorry for him or think that perhaps he has issues that he could 'work on' - I can't fix it and nor do I want to.

Of course, the emails and rants 'get' to me at times when I wake up in the morning and there's a string of mainly, unpleasant communications from him - it's not a great start to the day but it's also not the end of the day. I shall try and ignore all of it and just wait for it to end - which it will, no doubt when he finds someone else.

Thank you, everyone. It's very much appreciated.

Hi I am here.
Yes, I've done all of that with my email address etc and so it does all sit in spam which makes it very easy not to look at and it automatically deletes after a few days.

The difficulty is that he keeps creating new email addresses for himself which get through. You're quite right about not responding and I've probably replied to 1 in 50 of his communications. Sometimes it's difficult not to respond and I know that responding draws you in and is a pointless exercise which feeds it.

Again, you're right, it is a game and I was trying to work out the rules but it seems that there are none.

Another potential idea - even if he's creating new email addresses, most likely he's using the same computer/provider. It is possible to block an IP address from an email server - this would require some support from your IT department, which in turn might require you to explain the harassment at work - not sure how you feel about that.

I do agree with Serenity and the 'hard boundary'. I made it perfectly clear to my qualifiers what I considered unacceptable and how I would handle it (calling the police). They tested me greatly and I did follow through and I am still not very popular for my decisions and boundaries. Yet, I knew if I did not take care of me and isolate myself from the insanity, I would be the one locked up!!

So - I stopped making threats when I was emotionally charged, and considered facts and the desired outcome for myself, and then worked backwards to create boundaries (using a sponsor in Al-Anon recovery). I then worked to enforce them and be consistent in my actions/words. It got worse before it got better yet in time, as I grew stronger and saner in recovery, it did get better.

It is an unfortunate game or dance and we never can understand the rules because they change to suit the disease/diseased. All of this is part of the insanity of the disease and while we see it for what it is, it's seen differently in their eyes. Keep coming back!

Good morning!

Yes, I am going to report him today. It can be done online and I agree that it's time to do so.

It does take up time but more so takes up energy - just reading the repetitive nonsense, unrealistic demands and threats.

It seems that he has no shame. I suppose there's the control factor - his life is out of control although he can't see it and me clearly stating that I no longer want any part of it has rocked the boat even more. What I need to do is to stop trying to work out his reasons for behaving this way - I'll never comprehend it. To be honest - I'm not spending that much time thinking about it (until I open the emails!).