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And this can be related to when it's all about the other person and their obliviousness to the fact of how much pain they have caused .. I swear God knew what He was doing when I moved out of State because I would so be in prison orange right now.
My oldest has had a LOT on their plate over the past year .. and I am so stinking proud of the person that he's becoming .. it's not been an easy journey of self discovery .. one thing about this journey is how much it has taught me .. my children have taught me about unconditional love what it means to give that and redefined what that means to me .. what is love and how to give as well as receive .. my oldest coming out as well as transitioning has taught me about unconditional acceptance and what that means and how my view of that has changed .. you it has not been an easy process however we are going through it doing the best that we can all do .. it's still a new process and until the changes on the inside match the outside it will have challenges .. especially when my mouth overrides my brain. His grades are the best they have been .. he's thriving as an individual and making a life for himself .. even if he's still with the boyfriend I deem the school shooter .. blah .. can't have everything right? The idea that he's trying to have a relationship with his dad I have been very proud of him although unease knowing what was coming because this is what my X does .. it's all about power and control.
So .. that being said .. my X .. my X .. oh I have no words for my X.
Father's Day was 2 weeks ago .. my youngest at this point is choosing not to have contact with him. My oldest does and my X has stepped up .. unfortunately there was a price attached to it .. and this is apparently why my X has been so "gracious" in stepping up. My oldest was at home and we celebrated Father's Day with my BF. I talked to my oldest earlier about asking what do you want to do and talked to my youngest as well .. you might want to send a note and so on. Both of them said no, the back history is that when we were in town my XAH couldn't be bothered with visitation on that day and lied not about drinking ironically however about where he was that day. He was courting his current wife, they were there, this was when the kids were told their grandma was dying and he couldn't see them because of that .. well .. we went to visit grandma .. no dad. After that happened .. Father's Day became less about him and more about the duty of sending a text or obligatory call. I'm not going to force either kiddo .. they have to figure out what kind of relationship to have with their dad.
So last night my oldest was in tears, angry, at everyone who was in the direct line of fire .. after that settled down and he had already gone to bed .. I had a discussion with my youngest that at this point he's going to have to figure out what he wants in terms of any kind of relationship with his dad. Because my X can't control himself when it comes to texting (it's always on his terms and if you don't respond it is calling, obsessively), this will happen during the middle of the night, at school and so on .. it's always HIS time .. my oldest tried boundaries and he refused to accept them he's been better able to control the contact now that he's at college. After a not so nice email from me about his lack of respect and boundaries because it's not about him AND a letter from my attorney that's how bad it got. Obsessive doesn't cut it.
The outcome of all this is that the help he was giving to the oldest is all related and intertwined to his ability to contact the youngest. Of course he's blaming the oldest for not giving out my youngests information and it's like my oldest was told by my youngest do not give dad my number I don't want to talk to him at this point. He doesn't do FB although my stupid X insists he has a FB account and the reality is my youngest thinks that FB is for old people .. LOL!!!! 2 weeks ago it was Father's Day and I am sure there is guilt attached for my oldest because he did not contact his dad, .. however he didn't hear about this until he asked for help with college .. it's like REALLY?? You are going to hang on to this and then make it about HIMSELF?? There was a whole lot of subtext and whining. I'm SURE this is related to the fact my X is looking for reasons not to give my oldest money because it's not getting him the end result of what he wants. It doesn't help that the step family posted up on FaceBook how great he is .. my oldest is friends with him on FB and you know really .. I'm sure that hurt him a great deal. I as gently as I could pointed out to my oldest that oldest child had a part in this mess. He could have sent a one line text .. happy father's day .. that's it. He didn't. However his dad is a 51 year old man(child) and wants grace however doesn't offer it. He wants kudos and accolades as to his wonderfulness as a dad posted up on FB .. after all it's about how it looks to everyone else.
The other thing I know based upon this behavior is he wants a reaction out of me .. LMAO .. I am sooooo NOT going there .. there are a million and one places I can go .. that's not one of them. Sooooo .. send is soooo not my friend in this moment and I would love to pull very short hairs out of very painful places .. I would take the nostrils with tweezers right now since I already have 2 sets of his nether regions. This is with Alanon .. and right now Mary Pearl is my hero and that's not how that story should make me feel. I am telling you that man is so about him he can't see how badly he has hurt those kids and they did not deserve and just because he is a good step grandpa doesn't make him a good dad.
I am just so sad for my oldest .. I know he thought this time would be different. I am also sad that my youngest is so angry with his dad right now .. if nothing else just because he's hanging on to it so hard.
Hugs S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
We can post all the happy tripe we like on fb and still have to face ourselves at the end. I laughed at your youngests view on FB. I have great hope in our new generations. Young people have a way of seeing through stuff given the right guidance, which you are right there on the frontlines offering. Sending hugs and virtual coffee.
Lol I know .. I got a kick in the gut when I was informed people who use Facebook are OLD like 40 .. I thought you will get there boy lol. What sincerely bothers me is oldest expressed the difficulties of fathers day and his challenges with how to respond and his dad completely ignored that .. .i'm thinking you self absorbed ass. He sent me the text and all I can do is sit on my hands offer support and pray my oldest gets it. X went to playingthe victim card I was like WTH!? And called me by my first name lol so now I'm wondering if it was the wife. Brother.. ugh
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity - I am focusing on the good in your post - I am so happy for your oldest and his momma that the grades are AWESOME and he's finding his way!!! That's just awesome as what you started with - his journey and the unfolding - has not been easy. So - I had an ear-to-ear grin happening in hearing that news - that's just made my freaking day!!!
As far as the X - I am jokingly saying in my brain --- he's an EX for a reason sister!!! Seriously, all that he's showing makes me really sad on some level simply because that ego, false pride, etc. are all huge elements of untreated alcoholism. You know I can't stand facebook - what I do like about it and use often is the group messaging function. That's super brilliant and easier than group email and I belong to many - family, program, softball, golf, etc. I use what makes sense to me and ignore all the other as if there was ever a social experiment on 'comparing one's insides to other's outsides - Facebook is it!
I am sending all of you some positive thoughts and prayers and am again reminded how powerless we are....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This actually gets sadder .. it's not my ex that my kiddo is communicating with .. it's the wife. The texts are too intelligent .. like punctuation and the use of words .. the word "whom" was used correctly lol. I thought you have to be kidding me. So apparently .I'm not the only one who needs 100k alanon meetings. I can't imagine being back in a relationship that would require that kind of mothering meddling and martyrdom.. my mouth fell open.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Ugh. You know, I've been the new one. And often was asked to double as secretary. I once agreed and was promptly relieved of future duties when I deliberately misspelled words to make it authentic. Lol. It really does sound like they're on their own (rather sad) buzz. Hope this passes soon.
You are right... it is "sad" that your Ex has now resorted to using his girlfiend (oops! did I do that?) to contact your eldest.
The good thing is that your kiddos have you to ground them. I think just letting both of them know that you are their support if they need it, and that if they begin to feel anxiety over what is messaged (regardless of who is sending it) then there is always the option of NC. You may even be able to remind your eldest that "Even though he is your father, you are an adult now. If these messages are giving you anxiety, you can always tell him you can't have contact until the interchange is healthy."
I know my kid was physically relieved (actually saw it happen) when I told him something similar to this... even as adults interacting with our parents, we regress to that "Parent/child" dynamic.
Hope you are enjoying the holiday!
Happy 4th!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I am struggling big time with this whole situation what I want to do and what I should do .. two totally different things because mama tiger wants to rip his face off and it's a justifiable event that should that happen .. however .. as I told my oldest .. I really am trying to stay out of it.
What I want for my oldest is for him to put his truth out there in terms of this is how "I" feel and if you want to talk about that then pick up the phone and CALL me if you can't then I think that limited contact is much better.
It was hard to hear my oldest say .. I knew I was being used to get to the youngest .. I didn't want to believe that was the case however .. whomever wrote that text spelled it out all there .. this is all about how it looks .. LOL .. and I'm not willing to play by their rules. That's where I want to push and say .. you need to spell out your boundaries of what is and is not ok .. and redirect back to ME. The stuff about the youngest.
My X has the ability to contact the youngest .. he chooses not to and I am following the letter of the law .. I gave him a usable number to reach his kid .. he won't do it .. not my problem. I almost wish he would take me back to court so I can present the paperwork that yep .. I have done what I'm required to do .. I can't help it that YOU are an immature jackwagon .. UGH!!!
Soooo .. yes wonderful day already .. very quiet and enjoying time with my boyfriend the kiddos are sleeping and I'm just waiting to get my cooking on :)
Happy 4th to all of you .. thank you for being here. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey girl - I so hear you.....and I hope you have a great day with those in your life now! I sometimes have to remember that I am where I am for a reason that work for me just for today. That Momma Bear instinct is powerful and ever-present. I don't know if it ever fades - I see glimpses of it still with my mom and she's 83 and her baby (me) is 55. I believe it's 'there' for a reason and yet, I am still baffled at times at the first thought of wanting to tear another apart!!
I am grateful that recovery has given me a path to choose to take the higher road when others are 'insane'. I am so grateful that often my best response is no response and I'm also grateful for MIP and those I share my journey with. Happy 4th back to you and yours sweetie! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ahh, the 3 M's! Funny that his new wife fits that bill. He needed someone who complimented his alcoholism. It is inevitable that this person would be an enabler or perfectionist or be codependent, as well. Alcoholics use people and that includes their children. I hate that. I'm sorry but it sounds like your kids are quite aware and they have a great mom who is looking out for them!!
HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
