Thank you for your reply and yes you are right about the bullying behavior.  My AH didn't have much to say to me this morning before he left for work and I am not saying too much to him as well, because I am not willing to participate in his madness at least for today as best as I can.  I have a full day ahead of me and I plan to stay on task.  I hope you have a great day.

Kat

Nothing changes if nothing changes is only as hard as we make it. And, it's US who can make it hard, or easy. Remember, pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional. I found that once I focused on me -- and I mean really focused, with a laser precision focus, on me, what I had to do, what I needed to do, on me being healthy, as I've never focused on me before -- than what my AW did, said, threatened, postured, promised, didn't promise, drank, didn't drink, and so on, just didn't matter. It truly didn't matter. Why? Because it takes two to make a marriage work, and if the other person didn't want it, then there's nothing to do. We can't do anything about their drinking, and we can't do anything about what they want or not want. They want to drink...they want to make a marriage work...they want to live a certain way...and there's nothing we can do about it.ling

As much as we say when we change...it still doesn't change the other person and what they want to do. We can go to counselling, talk to them, express whatever we want or think will help...but it doesn't change the other person. You are not nagging. Don't believe that. Not for a minute. Unless you are in fact. How? By trying to stop him from drinking, by trying to control his drinking, by trying to control him, prevent him from doing what he wants to do, and so on and so on. In order to get better, truly better, healthy -- I had to stop that! But in order to get better -- we have to stop trying to prove our point, or that we aren't doing something (like nagging). For me to get better -- I had to stop trying to Control it, Manage it, Control her, Control her drinking, Change her, and so on. If you feel you "haven't let him hit rock bottom" -- and I felt that too -- then look at you. Look at your role. Look at your contribution to the situation. Me, I "perpetuated" a lot of what was going on. How? By trying to control her, control her drinking, cure her, and so on. Now, remember -- in your case -- his rock bottom is HIS. You can try to stop him from hitting it -- but many call that enabling. However, if you allow it, allow him to hit his rock bottom...it assures nothing. It certainly doesn't assure us that we will get what we want or that things will work out the way we want them to.

I find it ironic when a professional talks to an alcoholic or addict about "getting sober" and the consequences if they don't. I get it. Leave no stone unturned. An objective voice. A voice of authority. A qualified voice. Sure, I get it. In my experience, it still comes down to...it is the alcoholic's decision...it is up to them. Do we hope the professional can "convince" them? I guess so. Do we "believe" the professional can "convince" them? Maybe. Many call that denial. Me, I had hoped, but I stayed away from believe. The professional in my case, told me, she (my wife) simply doesn't want to quit. She enjoys drinking. She wants to drink. She does not want to and she will not quit. I got it.

When I went through the "last" 12 months of trying to save my marriage, and a lot more -- I learned one thing. When it was happening...it sounded, felt, and looked one way to me. When it was over, and I got better, got some objectivity, and really looked at my role, my contribution, my involvement, etc. -- it sounded, felt and looked very different. I had no remorse, no second thoughts, no stone unturned, etc. However, I felt good. Content. Whole. At peace.