The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was with my AB for 2 years. He was sober for 5 years when we first met. He slowly stopped going to meetings and he became verbally and emotionally abusive. I put up with it because I'm co-dependent. He finally broke up with me when he decided to get sober. I guess he was sober for a few months but started dating and partying again with a new girlfriend. Something we never did. I cut contact with him for 6 months. He contacted me after breaking up with his new girlfriend. Eventually I got back together with him knowing I shouldn't. I was stupid and thought I could help him get sober. He really wants to get sober. He knows how much better his life is when he is sober and working the program. I was helping him turn his life around and things were getting a lot better for him but he could only be sober for about a month before he would start drinking again. We finally broke up 3 weeks ago so he could work on getting sober and I could work on my codependence. I wanted to end things with him but was always afraid of what would happen to him. Found out over the weekend that he has been drinking and out with other girls. He hasn't been working on getting sober. I was talking to him almost everyday he just lied to me. He got a DUI Monday night while out with another girl. He lost his license for a year and will probably lose his job. I told him not to contact me again. I'm trying hard to let go but struggling.
Welocm MP glad that you found us and reached out. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless . You are not alone in being in such relationship- Many have attempted to save someone from this disease and have failed .
Alanon is a program for friends and family of alcoholics. Alanon offers new constructive tools to live by as well as well as a supportive network of like minded people. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.
((((mp315)))) Welcome. I am sorry for what brought you here, but I am glad you are!
I know that you are in a world of hurt right now, and I can empathize with you on this ( I am divorcing after 29 years of marriage). The hurt is only temporary. Please believe me on this. You sound like you have a pretty good grasp on your issues (co-dependency). You just need to firm up the backbone that is already there, so you don't choose another person like this - or cave and go back to him! Without awareness, us "Codies" tend to allow the same type of people into our lives, over and over.
Good for you on the NO CONTACT!!! Remember, No Contact means No New Hurts!
Work on YOU. Really delve into what YOU want out of your life.... b/c you only get one! Use this forum... read all the stickies... better yet, check out a face to face meeting. It's very hard at first, but you will find people who really understand your pain and can help you through it if you let them!
The biggest thing that helped me at first was the slogan, YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT, YOU CAN'T CURE IT. Because I kept thinking that if I loved him harder/better, and did everything perfect, that my spouse would get better. Sadly, love does NOT conquer addiction. So this slogan was key for me,
Sending you Light, Love, but most of all Peace.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((mp))) and so glad you are here. This stuff/alcohol really effects me in every area of my life. This program is teaching me how to live my life without obsessing about the A's in my life. I had to work on me. It's really a great fellowship with a lot of good shares, experiences and how Alanon has changed lives. It sure has mine! The hurt does pass. Hope you keep coming back!
Thank you ladies. It really is hard. I have been to a few different meetings but never stuck with it. I want to go back. I sometimes think that because I don't want him in my life anymore I don't need to attend Alanon. It feels good to talk about it.
Hugs, (((mp))). Its great you are reaching out for help, although I'm sorry you are struggling. I also encourage you to find and attend local Alanon meetings, or if you are unable to, there are also online meetings here on MIP. Keep coming back, you are not alone.
I left a 23 year relationship and even tho somewhere in the back of my head, I knew better......I took me with me and here I am gratefully back! My dad was an A and so were many of my relatives when I was growing up. Home was a warzone so I learned to be unhealthy in my coping skills. To walk on eggshells, to always second guess everything........uhg.....much more negative things that went with it. I became an angry woman and oh boy did it show. So glad you're here!
I was with my AB for 2 years. He was sober for 5 years when we first met. He slowly stopped going to meetings and he became verbally and emotionally abusive. I put up with it because I'm co-dependent. He finally broke up with me when he decided to get sober. I guess he was sober for a few months but started dating and partying again with a new girlfriend. Something we never did. I cut contact with him for 6 months. He contacted me after breaking up with his new girlfriend. Eventually I got back together with him knowing I shouldn't. I was stupid and thought I could help him get sober. He really wants to get sober. He knows how much better his life is when he is sober and working the program. I was helping him turn his life around and things were getting a lot better for him but he could only be sober for about a month before he would start drinking again. We finally broke up 3 weeks ago so he could work on getting sober and I could work on my codependence. I wanted to end things with him but was always afraid of what would happen to him. Found out over the weekend that he has been drinking and out with other girls. He hasn't been working on getting sober. I was talking to him almost everyday he just lied to me. He got a DUI Monday night while out with another girl. He lost his license for a year and will probably lose his job. I told him not to contact me again. I'm trying hard to let go but struggling.
mp, welcome. This is brutal. I read your post and it brought a tear to my eye. It brought me back to the 20 year relationship in my life with my ex-gf. On again off again. Broken up and back together. Co-dependence at its worst and unhealthiest. Her drinking and drug use. Other men. Everything she did -- abusive behavior, verbal abuse, lashing out, anger, name calling, accusations, me not being appreciated, me being cast aside, used, me being the butt of jokes and ridicule, me being called upon when needed and disregarded and ignored when non...and then it got really bad.
So, I will share with you my experience, what happened to me, and how I got better. Bad news -- I had to accept that all these things that happened...she wasn't doing them to me. Well, she was, but it was more a case of she was just doing it. She was doing what she was doing. Dogs bark, infants cry, and she does all of that. Frog and the scorpion so to speak. More than her doing it -- it was even more that I ALLOWED IT. I accepted unacceptable behavior. I chose to be a doormat. I allowed all of these things to happen and did not take action to stop it or prevent it. Now, I fooled myself into thinking I was and I did. I used to say "how important is it" -- and that was denial, that was permission for me to keep accepting unacceptable behavior. I used to say "it's not her, it's the disease" -- and that while it might be factually a correct statement or a true statement, it was still an excuse for me to continue being the doormat. There were hundreds of other things I said. I too said I was co-dependent. I too said, in hundreds of meetings...I know it's unhealthy, but I can't stop. I said, I know I shouldn't get back together with her, but I can't stop. I said, I know I shouldn't call her, text her, help her, give her money, and so on...but I can't help it. I can't stop. I can't, I can't, I can't. The worst news...actually I can. No one put a gun to my head and forced me. I control my thinking, actions, what I do, etc. But here, in this case, I can't, I can't, I can't...no I can! So why did I keep doing these things? Why did I keep allowing this? Why did I keep putting my hand back into the fire? Why did I keep shopping for bread in a hardware store...OK, sit down, or else this is going to knock you off your feet...why did I keep doing this...because...I want to. That was it, plain and simple. Sounds sick. Sounds unbelievable. Why would I want to keep doing something that hurt me so much? The pain doing it was not worse than the pain of not doing it.
Pain is a very powerful human emotion. Eventually, the pain of continuing to do it over and over again, will just get so bad, so unbearable, you will just not be able to take it for one second longer. Then, you will stop. Then you will change. My sponsor told me that eventually I would change. Either I would intellectually, make a conscious decision to change...or eventually the pain would break me and overcome me and I would have no choice but to change, because my mind and body couldn't take it any longer. Unfortunately, I was the latter. I had to hit my rock bottom. And I did.
Good news...I got better. Ready for this...30 days. Not 30 days the entire world was sunshine and roses, but 30 days and I was facing and moving in the right direction, the healthy direction. 30 days and I was laughing. 30 days and I was going out with friends. 30 days and I was not thinking about her any longer. 30 days and I actually could conceive dating again. I wasn't ready then, but it wasn't such a far-fetched thought. 30 days and I was able to go to a ball game. 30 days and I was healthy -- mentally, and physically. 30 days and my stomach didn't drop everything I got a text message. The "what now" became so normal. My sponsor told me that for 30 days, I had to commit, I had to be willing to scratch, claw, crawl, beg, plead, and do whatever it took to not call her. To not read her texts.
Why? She was my addiction. I was addicted to her, the relationship, everything. All of it was my drug. And she was my drug dealer. She'd offer me free drugs occasionally. The "I love you" and "I need you" and "I want you" was the little taste that kept me coming back, and back, and back, and back. I had to get clean and sober. Clean and sober. Not an occasional drink. None. Nothing. No talking, to texting, no listening to voicemails, no reading texts, nothing. I had to get completely clean and sober. It was a 30 day detox!!! Just so I could think. Clearly. Just so I could get some peace and quiet, unencumbered, untainted by the sickness, disease, drama, chaos, havoc, turmoil. For 30 days, I went to a meeting every single day. I did readings every morning, afternoon and evening, from the dailey readers and from Paths To Recovery. Most important, I had to call my sponsor. Every single time I felt weak, angst, stress, wanted to call her, text, whatever. Every time I wondered about her. Every time I got angry at her, or me, whatever, I had to call him. On day one -- I called him 14 times. He said he expected 25. My sponsor said that I had to be deprogrammed. I had to get clean and sober, and detox from all of the toxic and cancerous things that were going on in this relationship. I told him there was no way I could go 30 days without at least making sure she was OK. I argued with him. He fought back. And, he said we weren't going to do that for 30 days...he said we were going to do it...ONE DAY AT A TIME...and ONE MINUTE AT A TIME if necessary. Those first few days, we did have to do it one minute at a time. The first day, she called me 23 times. She texted me 30 times. I called my sponsor. I did the next right thing in front of me...the next right thing FOR ME.
So, that's the Reader's Digest version of my story and experience. It doesn't matter if he really wants to get sober. It doesn't matter if he knows how much better his life is when he's sober and working the program. It doesn't matter what might happen to him. It doesn't matter anything about him. Those are all the reasons why you keep doing what you are doing. You deserve better. You deserve all that life has to offer. If you get healthy, one year from now you will look back on this as a great learning experience and you will be grateful he's gone and all this is over. Three years from now, you will be an amazing relationship, celebrating an anniversary, coming back from vacation, etc., and you will see just how wonderful life is. Five years from now, this will be a forgotten memory. It all happens one day at a time.
Go to meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work now!!! You can and will get better. You can and will get healthy. You can and will be happy.
I wish you all the best...and most of all... I wish you can do today...what took me 20 years. And here's the secret...YOU CAN.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you joined right in and shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured, only arrested if one chooses some type of recovery. AA is one program and Al-Anon is for friends and family who've been affected by the disease.
The disease is too much for most of us and find support and fellowship very helpful. Beyond that, Al-Anon provides a road-map to heal/deal from the disease and how it affects us as friends and family. We attend meetings, use literature and also work the 12 steps in our way for our own recovery.
I do encourage you to seek out and attend some local meetings. If you can't find local meetings, there are meetings here twice a day - check the top left for the times/chat room. I was able to find me again by working on my own recovery, and I've grown tremendously in the program. We too are never cured - we seek progress only vs. perfection.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and as the rest have stated very glad you are here.
I remember wishing and getting caught up in the would have, could have and should have's of my XAH .. if only's as I like to call them .. if he would only stop drinking.
I remember being so caught up in the fantasy of what I wanted I couldn't see what he was actually doing .. and I rationalized that behavior by pretending it wasn't that bad .. who cares if he's cheating .. he comes home and he works hard .. who cares if he's drinking .. he's just blowing off steam (mine would binge it wasn't daily until we split). Sometimes removing the bandaid of what is hurts .. it's much less painful than what I put myself through trying to turn him into something he wasn't .. a sober husband and father.
The pain sucks and pain is pain so there is no minimizing what you are struggling with .. I just encourage you to make sure that you are taking care of you and looking at the situation realistically .. you aren't married to him .. it took me 3 years to untangle and then it's been almost 2 fighting with him about money .. that's a treat .. he hasn't seen the kids for 3 of those years almost now. July it will be 3 years. I just seriously encourage you to put the same amount of focus on yourself that you are giving to him. He's going to drink or not drink .. sometimes a drunk ass is also a sober ass .. it just is what it is. I'm certainly not going to say that he can't get sober .. you don't have that kind of power over him or anyone else. I also found out that my XAH .. it was no accident I picked him .. I came to realize that I needed Alanon long before I met my XAH. So I hope you will take some time and investment into you .. because it's just not about the A .. it's about you and getting healthy which it sounds like you need some good support around you.
Big hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you ladies. It really is hard. I have been to a few different meetings but never stuck with it. I want to go back. I sometimes think that because I don't want him in my life anymore I don't need to attend Alanon. It feels good to talk about it.
It is because you don't want him in your life anymore...is all the more reason you should be in alanon face to face meetings, working the program, etc.
Alanon is FOR YOU. About YOU. Not him. Whether he's in your life or not. YOU. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Welcome and as the rest have stated very glad you are here.
I remember wishing and getting caught up in the would have, could have and should have's of my XAH .. if only's as I like to call them .. if he would only stop drinking.
I remember being so caught up in the fantasy of what I wanted I couldn't see what he was actually doing .. and I rationalized that behavior by pretending it wasn't that bad .. who cares if he's cheating .. he comes home and he works hard .. who cares if he's drinking .. he's just blowing off steam (mine would binge it wasn't daily until we split). Sometimes removing the bandaid of what is hurts .. it's much less painful than what I put myself through trying to turn him into something he wasn't .. a sober husband and father.
The pain sucks and pain is pain so there is no minimizing what you are struggling with .. I just encourage you to make sure that you are taking care of you and looking at the situation realistically .. you aren't married to him .. it took me 3 years to untangle and then it's been almost 2 fighting with him about money .. that's a treat .. he hasn't seen the kids for 3 of those years almost now. July it will be 3 years. I just seriously encourage you to put the same amount of focus on yourself that you are giving to him. He's going to drink or not drink .. sometimes a drunk ass is also a sober ass .. it just is what it is. I'm certainly not going to say that he can't get sober .. you don't have that kind of power over him or anyone else. I also found out that my XAH .. it was no accident I picked him .. I came to realize that I needed Alanon long before I met my XAH. So I hope you will take some time and investment into you .. because it's just not about the A .. it's about you and getting healthy which it sounds like you need some good support around you.
Big hugs :)
Excellent post. Thank you very much.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you Serenity. I'm sorry you went through that and I'm glad you're doing so much better. I have to kids from a previous marriage and I would never want them to live a life with an alcoholic. I hid most of my dysfunctional relationship with my ex AB from my kids but they knew something wasn't right.
