The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Just checking in with an update and wanting ESH. My AH went to detox and a 30 day inpatient rehab during the month of April. I'm grateful that he was able to get the courage to ask for help and then get the help he needed. Our kids were also thrilled and proud of him. I'm doing the best I can to be encouraging and supportive of him as he goes through his recovery. He's in an IOP for 3 nights a week and goes to therapy and 1 meeting. That leaves him with only 2 nights home. Thankfully, I also have my own recovery in AlAnon. In the 6 months since coming to AlAnon, I've learned quite a bit. I have also secured a "returnship" which is like a mid-career internship for 12 weeks with the expectation (of both the employer & myself) that I will go full-time. YAY! I'm looking forward to getting back out into the work world and having my own life. I'm also working the steps but will just be starting step 4 which I'm actually looking forward to accomplishing as I believe it will help me move forward.
Here's my question for you all: I would love to hear your ESH about the days after rehab. I'm doing my best to stay out of the way. I guess what is getting me is that I so thoroughly enjoyed the month that RAH was gone that it's hard to have him back. The house was peaceful and I didn't have to listen to negative talk. He's currently out of the house quite a bit because of work and IOP. However, he's still an angry person (as he's come to be over the past 8 yrs. of our 18 yr. marriage) I know it takes time for change to happen. I'm also trying to live one day at a time because that's really all we can do - right? Here's my difficulty: I know that my RAH is jealous of my past history (actually dating other people before we met - yes, archaic, weird thoughts but it is what it is) in addition to just jealous of other men. I realize this is his own character flaw and I hope he can deal with it. However, I'm feeling my emotions about it and I just don't want to continue to live with it if he can't change his thoughts and behaviors towards me. I've heard that it takes alcoholics about 6 months to a year to really dry out or come back to their senses. Also, I don't feel the need to have to make a decision about anything right now. I'm just uncomfortable with the negativity and knowing that I so enjoyed what I had when he wasn't living here that I want that again. Since coming to AlAnon and working with my therapist, I'm learning to come out of the 'denial' I had about everything including the verbal and emotional abuse that has occurred in my marriage. This includes the stonewalling that continues on today.
In the end, I know that I will be ok. I know that I have choices. I may be just uncomfortable with my feelings as I feel bad or almost guilty know I so enjoyed living a month in a peaceful home without my RAH here. Any words of wisdom?
((Jpickle) I increased my meetings to one a day when hubby returned from rehab. the first step and being powerless, slogans, detachment and acceptance were my constant tools as i attempted (sometimes unsuccessfully) to use my tools as we interacted . I know this is a difficult time so that more meeting helped. I also read my daily readers continually and tried to lead by example.
. It is a process please do keep coming back.
Hi jtpickle-Keep on keeping on! You seem to know how to apply Alanon to your life and are doing a good job. I agree with Betty to try daily meetings. You can do some online if you can't physically go. I also would suggest you work with a sponsor besides your therapist. I have both! The guidance from someone who knows exactly what you are dealing with, is especially helpful. All the best, Lyne
Good to see you jtpickle and congrats. on your employment opportunities! Kudos to you for working the program and leaning in. I was much like Betty - I went OT on any/all program tools I could find to use that would help me keep the focus on me. It's hard and it's not always comfortable, but I did find that when I paused long enough to not react or respond, the negativity dulled out over time. It can take a long while as you've written and going One Day at a Time helped bunches too.
I am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer and used that many times each day as well as my abbreviated version - Bless Them, Change Me. I also carried a Q-Tip in my pocket to help me be reminded to Quit Taking It Personally. As we always say, this too shall pass...
Keep doing you and trust the process and program. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you all - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great and inspiring program work! Congratulations with work - I find that having an independent source of income is not only helpful to pay the bills, but a great boost to my self-esteem. I remember the great sense of relief when my then AH was away in rehab that was accompanied by guilt; I think this is normal, given the insanity of the whole circumstance. I have difficulty sitting still in the presence of uncomfortable feelings; this is when I'm tempted to do anything to not have to feel badly, even when I know that feelings will pass. When I get a bit off balance, I up my f-2-f meetings or do 90 in 90, read literature, call people on the phone list.
I found it really hard to see/ have my recovering husband back drom rehab. He is also a very angry person which has led to 2 lapses. My husband came out half February after 3 weeks of rehab and he didn't knoe himself anymore. Was a shell of who he was and not a clue on howntondoblife/himself or us amd had to live with the statement that he didn't know whether he wanted to be with me or not.
That aside, my therapy really helped and when my husband started to hang out at our house but really interacting with our 3 girls I put the boundary that he could come back when ready to rebuild relationships. Ofcourse he got angry about thwt as I orecented him from seeing his young children but it was necessary to protect all the good things me and the girls built up while he was gone.
He spent months in limbo about himself and life and still finds emotions difficult and worl difficult and life in general. After the last lapse he suddebly became much more open (I had a stern talking to with him shortly before as he was so angry and depressed about sobriety he wanted to end life. I told he had choices, things to live for if he wanted to and left it at that, the thread about is on this forum) and started phoning me every evening to check in, stays over at the weekend and he is a proper parent and things are being rebuild. Still, this week, he's had it difficult at work, he still lives at his mums mostly and she left for holiday whilst leaving him to deal withbher builders and 2 non working bathrooms . This means he goes quiet again. I don't like thwt but it's clear he still hasn't got his emotions under control. He is a bit clearer about what he wants (us) and from his life but dealing with actual emotions without the escape of alcohol is very difficult for him.
I've learned to enjoy the tikes that he is here and really trying but also cherishing the times when he is not and the girls and I are really enjoying our routine and relationship the 4 of us have built outside of my husband. I am eager to protect that happiness and calmness we haven't had for so long.
Now I need to learn to not think about my husband, worry about my husband or get annoyed when he goes quiet for days. It's a work in progress. Everyone is.
(((Hugs)))
