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Post Info TOPIC: Anger


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 198
Date:
Anger


Today my overwhelming emotion is anger. I want to throw thing. I want to break things. ABF has been off alcohol a week now with the help of medication. And in that week, he just wants to brush everything that happened, all the hurts he's caused under the rug like it never happened. THis is his usual default. He's able to interact with the dog. He's able to interact with wrok (they don't know the real reason he's off sick). And me, who has had to put up with all his sh*t over the past 7 months, I just get brushed under the carpet like everything else he doesn't want to deal with. Forget it happened. Forget I'm a person with feelings and needs. His other default is to run away. So instead of asking me what's wrong or talking about anything, he's gone out. I'm SO angry with his immature coping mechanisms. I'm the only one who every has a problem and it's always my job to make the first move to resolve it. I've talked to him over and over about this but nothing changes. So I guess it's up to me to change it. 

I've got a meeting with a counsellor next week. I'm hoping that will help me start deal with some of this anger and in the mean time, I'm just focusing on resisting the urge to break things. 



__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 262
Date:

(((Mizz))) I just went thru these emotions this week. From my understanding and experience, the most difficult challenge is to not lash out. I had a wonderful person on this forum tell me to look at my part. As I did and kept reading the literature, working the steps, put music on......I realized there is nothing I can say that will ever change the alcoholic. It's a disease and I can become my own worst enemy if I forget this. I did set a boundary for myself but most of all ........really being kind to myself. Those words hurt, the actions hurt and caring for ourselves is learning to keep treading water above it all thru this program. It is SO EASY to forget all this.......especially when it's a new wound/hurt/event/drunken escapade......Be good to you. You're worth it!!!

Hugs!!

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 198
Date:

Thank you Tude. Sundays are especially hard for me as I have to do prep work for the week which I really resent and I've got a really stressful week next week (running interviews and feeling unprepared about that and 3 exams for my students). I know I"m completely passive aggressive and expect him to be able to read my mind about what's wrong - I feel that after talking to him so many times about what are the problems in our 'relationship' that he shouldn't be oblivious to the fact that something for me are a struggle but I always underestimate his lack of wanting to do anything to address is. I also know that while he's on withdrawal medication, he probably has less ability to deal with things. It just massively frustrates me that he can function for work but completely ignore anything in the relationship. I also want to be angry. I feel validated in anger and I spend so much of the time analysing my emotions and being patient and detaching that I want to feel the anger I'm feeling now. I don't want to detach from this because I have a right to be angry about everything that has hurt me so much. Anyway, I'm going to take my dog for a walk now to try and rid my body of some of the anger adrenaline that is currently making me shake with fury. I'll go back to the literature and do some reading as well once I'm prepped for next week.

__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 262
Date:

At this point I don't know if anger can be good? I do know most anger is very destructive. There was an anger that I felt that actually motivated me into good actions and it was then easier to start letting things go. Again, I don't know enough about this type of anger because it was so different for me. I don't have it now. I wonder if anyone could add to the if there's a good anger............

When in the moment(s) of it all tho.......a walk is the best thing I could think of or outside chores. Amazing the things I got done....hugs again

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 8454
Date:

MizzB - so sorry that anger has come forward as the 'response' for the moment. My best tools to help me calm down are the Serenity Prayer and my abbreviated version - Bless Them, Change Me. I can relate to what you are feeling and Tude's response is spot on - not a darn thing I can do will ever change another - I can only change me.

It took actively working this program to stop giving my power away to others and this disease. I still have my moments and I have to get out all the tools and find those which will get me through what I am feeling at the moment. Feelings are real, and I need to process them but I have learned in recovery that they are not facts.

Be gentle with you - you are worth it....keep coming back and I'm sending you some positive thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs))) too!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 198
Date:

Thank you. I calmed down enough to talk to him. We both agreed that we were unhappy with how things are and he's left for a few days. After that we will reset and maybe talk to someone as we both communicate badly. If it doesn't get better then we will call it a day. And if he drinks during that time then it's time to call it a day. I can't really see it getting better right now but I did something to change the script and I feel a little less angry now.

__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 581
Date:

Yes, I get it. Been there, done that, had a cup of coffee and came home, LOL. My ex did the exact same thing. No matter how bad the incident, police, drunken tirade and attack...no matter what...she pretended like nothing happened. Not only that, it was even worse, she pretended like nothing happened and in a matter of a few days, she was almost hinting at all was fine, because she wasn't drinking!!! Omg!!! And then after a week of not drinking, came the hints of "OK, this is good enough, I haven't drank for a week, all is fine, I proved it, see, no problem, etc." -- and then it's the permission that she can drink again.

How demented and distorted the person, their thinking, their compass, their everything, can become because of this disease.

And the collateral damage...HELLO!!! LOL. The anger was the fastest growing and most powerful cancer I felt. But, that is part of who she was -- part of her disease, part of what she did because she had to. This is what she did. What she does. She doesn't do it to me. She just does it. Dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics do what alcoholics do. Was it only this? No, there was more. The 'ism's and all of the fallout that came from her drinking, behavior, etc. If this continued, then it was on me!!! Unacceptable behavior? Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, in the end, it might be...is this the life I want to live?

I went right back to Step One...acceptance...not about the alcoholic, alcohol, etc. -- but about how I felt!!! Acceptance. I accepted it, stopped fighting it, embraced it, and then surrendered to it. Then I was able to let it go and get past the anger. For me, after so many years in the rooms, it was that easy for me. As soon as my sponsor taught me. I apply Step One to all of the feelings, fears, difficulties, etc., that I face...and it works! Most people don't see how Step One might apply to _____________ fill in the blank. Powerless. Powerlessness. Acceptance. Surrender. Letting Go.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 583
Date:

Hugs, ((((MizzB)))). I'm glad you are feeling a bit better... Take care of yourself and keep working the program... Positive thoughts your way

__________________
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 581
Date:

Also, for me, upon further reflection, part of my problem was the anger vs. the relationship. That was tough for me. I was angry about a lot of things, but it was the relationship and not working on that -- and that made me even angrier. So, it was about me. I had to allow the relationship and working on that to be on hold, for the focal point to be her sobriety...and me...and getting past the anger.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 8454
Date:

I too am sending (((Hugs))) MizzB - and am glad you found an action step to take that allows some peace and resets. We truly don't know what tomorrow will bring but it sounds like you're working through it - progress always...keep doing you!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 581
Date:

By the way MizzB...why not take the "program" approach to this. What's the program approach? Al-anon. LOL.

I take a different perspective. Feelings may not be fact, but they are feelings. They may be intangible or unquantifiable, or the like -- but they are feelings. They are real vis a vis substance to and behind the emotion. So, forget about the tools, forget about the serenity prayer, readings, forget, forget, forget. Here and now, I take a different approach.

Start at the beginning. Step One. Right from the beginning. Step one, you are powerless. Feel it, recognize it. Anger. Don't fight it. Embrace it and stop fighting it...and when you can do that, that it acceptance. For me, I accept that I feel angry. I accept it and I stop trying to fight it. When I have that, that awareness, now I can feel it and not let it consume me. I can feel it and not let it become a cancer. I am powerless of that feeling, but I am not powerless of what that feeling does to me!!! That is critical. To me, that always worked better than reciting some words. Once I have that acceptance...then I can surrender to it...and then...the best part...I can let it go.

Letting go. How freeing. How empowering. How enlightening. I remember hearing a famous psychologist, world famous, give a presentation once, and when someone asked about getting past dealing with, etc., anger, resentment, and the like...this psychologist said, and I quote, "let's take the 12-step approach to this" -- and went on. The remainder of the presentation was about Step One, Step Two and Step Three and applying the concepts and methodologies behind those steps to any problem we had inside of us, especially when we felt it was caused by or from another. I found it amazing.

The other benefit this provides me is that is gets me to focus on me. I put down the magnifying glass...and I look in the mirror. Most people run away from that.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to it's me.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

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