The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive had a call from ABFās mum. I onow he was heading for a crisis and this appears to be it. Shes had the police involved as he mentioned suicide, drew put a lot of money and then disappeared. We know where he is now.
Now, i know enough to let the police and the doctors do their job. He is seeing the consequences now of non stop drinking for 7 months. It is his consequences to live with. My big worry is my little dog. He has left the door open before and shes run away. She came back home but my heart died for that time she was missing. I am currently on my bus home and i cant do anything to speed up getting home to make sure shes ok. This 45 minute bus trip has never been so long. And always so much more traffic (it seems) when i need it to be quick. Totally regretting not taking a different route home which tends to be a couple of minutes quicker. Anyway, typing this message has taken up a few of those minutes.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Oh MizzB I am so sorry! There are 2 positive things I see though.....your boyfriend has to deal with himself and the consequences of what he has been doing one way or the other (you can leave it on other peoples hands now) and your little dog is home and I am sure she will be ok. Probably very scared but very very very happy to see you when walk through the door. That's a relationship to cherish. I've always had pets and they help when I'm happy but they definitely help me when I am not happy.
Thanks Duchy. Heās apparently been sent to hospital for āassessmentā which might mean detox or might mean a section. Heās mum is going crazy with worry. I feel callus in really not caring about him and only caring about my little dog. But Iām going to indulge feeling callus right now. Iāll let you know that sheās ok. Gotta trust my HP is looking out for her too.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Always here whenever you need us! I'm glad she's ok! Let things be (I feel things are out of your hands for now) and just enjoy being with her and the peace in the house...just a suggestion (((hugs)))
Yes, I've just had a lovely hot shower, walked her and now I"m going to reflect on my feelings about everything. (and mark the pile of assessments that have been the bane of my life all week so far!). He is in hospital and I'm hoping he gets kept in for a few days or they find him a rehab place near his parents. I need a break to get my life back in some sort of normality.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I'm afraid I don't remember your situation, but it sounds like it would be a good idea to find a way not to have the dog be in his care. I know from sad experience that even the best intentions fall to pieces in front of the bottle.
Hi Mattie,
Unfortunately we live together (at the moment) and I have to leave for work first. Usually that's when he's sober if he has been drinking so it's ok. It's evenings that are ropey. I'm usually home first but sometimes I have meetings or parents evenings and he's back first. One night I went to my book club, had a bad feeling so came back early - just to see him screaming for the dogs as he's been drunk, said he'd be at home with them but was drinking so they were so desperate for a wee when he came back they pushed past him. Luckily my little girl came back and the boy was caught close by. I haven't been to book club since. I would love to get him out of the flat before I left and then just lock the door on the dog. But that isn't possible. TO be fair I'm putting into place strategies to end the relationship as these last 7 months have been horrendous, but the safety of my remaining dog (the other one died of kidney failure) is always my priority and until I get her used to a dog walker, I wouldn't be able to fulfill some of the requirements of my job. Luckily, while being a very scardy dog, she is also a bit old now and loves her bed so I would hope she'd just sit outside, growling at my neighbour so he couldn't get in his flat! But then she was a stray so she's know the life of scavenging. I think I'm going to get a dog tracker so if the worse does happen before I end the relationship then I can find her.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Coming in late to this, but glad to hear your beloved dog is safe, and you have a moment of respite from his crazy.
Plz do NOT feel callous for worrying about your dog, over him. You are already in your mind out of this relationship... don't let the guilt trap you!
Peace to you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
THanks Posies, I don't feel bad in baing callus. I know that he has brought this on himself and that these are his consequences to deal with. He is safe in hospital (with lots of police apparently - I don't know what's going on, I'm not interested enough to ask) and his parents are coming down to deal with him. I think it's a sad reflection of how badly this relationship has gone that I worry more about the dog than I do about him. I think this is a true indication that "we" are too far gone now and too much hurt has happened to save now.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I messed up by not joining a support group years ago. My wife and I have been arguing about her drinking for 3+ years. She works Midnight's so I wake up before she gets home. She comes home and gets hammered, every day. The final straw was her belittling me because I can't work. (I have MS) I told her our marriage was over, on a rant. Now she's went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. Shes not even considering marriage counseling. It's like she was just waiting for me to lose my cool and lash out. It worked. At least I have the pleasure of knowing I never raised a hand to her. But wow, 29 years of marriage and 58 years old. And starting all over. I sure hope the pain doesn't get any worse. I'm not sure I could handle that. It's bad enough I already have no one, and I mean absolutely nobody in my life to talk/vent to. Excapt for my new friends here...J/K...sorry for the long rant.
Dalbert You have the best person in your life to care for you and I mean you. When I first heard that in Al-Anon I considered it sarcasm but kept coming back and listening with an open mind and the people who told me that finally got me to understand that when I started caring for myself like I focused on and cared for the alcoholic/addict wife I would get better. Its called working the program...steps, traditions, slogans, literature, meetings, sponsorship, Higher Power and more. Yes for me it was a full time job including getting away from all of the addicted/affected sick people in my life. I was born into this disease so on both sides of my family here was much disease to recover from. I stayed and took the suggestions and followed the steps and sponsorship and didn't give my life back to the alcoholic/addict and the disease. I love my life now and continue with the program.
Dalbery, donāt apologies for ārankings
Itās what we are here for. The program wil help you heal, itās helping me.
Last night I thought I was having a free few days from it all. But no, he comes home at half eleven and all
I could think is āI donāt want you hereā. I couldnāt even ask how he was or find any vaguely human thing to say so I didnāt say anything. I donāt know what the hospital said, whether heās referred for rehab or anything other than āthey gave me more Valiumā so he gets to sleep well while my unmedicated sleep is awful. . Iām
Doing fine on my
Own and the minute he comes back I feel my stress levels increase. If heās not there, i donāt have that (other than when I worry about my little dog). Alanon says to make a relationship with the person behind the alcohol but itās been so long since I saw that person that o am struggling with that. My emotional needs are met by friends. My intimacy needs are not being met at all- basically I donāt feel heās adding anything positive to my life but Iām not using a crisis to speed up the timeline I have in my head although I may ask him to go to a hotel for a bit as I need time
To get over this latest alcohol-related behaviour and leave how to talk to him again.
Iāve asked his mum to come down because I canāt cope on my own but she hasnāt replied as it was a late message so I donāt know if she is. My mum is coming over today to look after my dog as I have a late night tomorrow so itās going to be majorly awkward in my life for a day or so. Three people in a one bed flat- my mum wants me to end it with him, i Just canāt bring myself to talk to him and then him. And right now Iām on a bus to work, I have a full day of classes. I have one unprepared as I couldnāt face doing it last night. Iām actively being kind on myself though and Iāll be ok. I am ok. My life is unmanageable but Iām ok.
Dalbert,
Try to get to a face to face meeting and get some phone numbers. Todayās reflection talks about reaching out and how it helps both the person calling and the person receiving the call. I wish you well, keep coming back. This site is a life saver.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
My wife now agrees to marriage counseling. I'm hoping it works but reading the success rate for substance abuse and relationships isn't very encouraging. I'll give it a shot to try and save 29 married years. But my eyes will be wide open. I will NOT allow her to verbally abuse me, ever again. Therapy, face to face meetings at Al Anon and online. That sounds like a game plan!
-- Edited by Dalbert on Wednesday 25th of April 2018 02:58:31 PM
Hey Dalbert - it sound like a great plan.....sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sending prayers up for you and your wife Dalbert. HP being asked to abide with you both while you are in counseling and more. Practice peace. (((hugs)))
Welcome Dalbert...when you go to face to face alanon meetings, you will hear people say "you're in the right place" -- and you are! I often hear family members, friends, loved ones, debate whether or not the person is an alcoholic. Of course the alcoholic debates this as well. Bottom line -- it doesn't matter!!! When you go to face to face alanon meetings, you will hear that the only requirement for you to be there is if someone's drinking bothers you. Period. No analysis, testing, nothing. In my experience, the more I tried to figure all of this out -- her drinking, why she drank, why she was behaving the way she did, why she was lashing out at me, whether or not she was an alcoholic, and so on and so on -- the more I drove myself crazy! You cannot apply logic to an illogical disease, person or situation. Period.
That said, yes, make a commitment and go to face to face alanon meetings. As many as you can. Start focusing on YOU...what is best for you, what you need to do to take care of you, what you need to do to get better, to get healthy. There are many tools in alanon -- and it takes time to learn how to use those tools. Some of it is experience, trial and error, some is behavioral, and some of it takes time because it involves change -- change in you -- in your thinking, mindset, behavior, actions, reactions, etc. You are brand new to alanon, so some of the tools may seem foreign to you. They may seem counterintuitive to what you have been doing, thinking, etc. That's OK.
One of the tools, resources, that is absolutely, positively, designed for newcomers like yourself is sponsorship. When you go to your first face to face meeting, ask for the pamphlet on sponsorship. Ask some of the seasoned members about it as well. And, find a sponsor. Start talking to him/her, start working with him/her. Your sponsor will no what to do, LOL.
You have a lot going on right now, and again, you are new to all of this. That doesn't make this entire situation easier. Time takes time. Focus on you. Little by slowly you will start to absorb, and learn, what alanon can do for you. You will also learn what it can't do for you. Alanon is not a program that teaches you how to accept unacceptable behavior or treatment. So, don't do that. Alanon is not designed to tolerate the intolerable. So, don't do that either. Alanon won't tell you to leave or stay. It won't tell you how to make the unbearable bearable.
As far as the marriage counseling, the success rate for substance abuse, marriages, etc., and it not being very encouraging. Here's why...the alcoholic/drug addict will not stop drinking/using drugs UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and there is nothing you can do about that. There is nothing you can do to get them to stop. When and if the day comes that the addict/alcoholic makes a decision to stop, that will be the day...and there is nothing you can do to make that happen sooner or make it happen at all. That's very sad, upsetting, and some may think negative news. It may sound like a negative outlook. But, again, you are new, and this may sound strange, but that is acceptance. We have to accept that we our powerless -- over alcohol, the alcoholic, and alcoholism. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it (the three C's). We have to learn to accept these things...and when we do...that's when we start to get better.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
