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I did a search here and read old posts about QTIP.Instead of bumping one of them up and digging up old "dirt" from years ago,I decided to start a new thread.


Last night,someone blamed me for something that I didn't do,something that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all.Actually,it was such a petty,ridiculous accusation that really wasn't a big deal that I am not even going to say what it was.My reaction was a big deal though and way over the top.I lashed out,ranted and raved,yelled and screamed,cried and cussed and acted like a crazy person.


Today though,after thinking about it,I know that my reaction wasn't even really about what I was accused of at all.My reaction was coming from the past,coming from my childhood and always being the scapegoat.Everything and anything that happened was my fault.So much so that I started taking the blame to get it over with faster.  It was easier to accept blame,even for things that had absolutely nothing to do with me than it was to have others blame me,call me a liar,degrade me and then be punished.Much easier to skip all of that and go straight to the punishment.So,being an adult,I refuse to accept blame for things I have not done.Last night my reaction may have been coming out of an adults mouth but the feelings were definitely coming from that child.


It's very hard to not take things personally.And I know it's something I need to work on.I wish I had just said no,it's not my fault last night and had been done with it instead of reacting.All it did was make me lose sleep and feel like an idiot all night.


I know the one that blamed me does this as a way to avoid responsibility for anything. It was about them,not me,yet I still took it personally,just like I do most things.


What tools are helpful with this?


-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 13th of February 2018 10:07:00 AM

-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 13th of February 2018 10:08:28 AM


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 16288

Hello SS I found that by working the 4th, 5th an 6th Step on these "OLD" issues reduced them in size and then finally the 7h step lifted them from my automatic reactiions. Be gentle with yourself, make this learning experience and move forward.




~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 898

Hi ss-my sponsor taught me about always carrying a QTIP and much of the time I can do it. The Serenity prayer also helps me put things in perspective . Having great awareness helps me practice the tools I need. Keep coming back. Help is here, Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3136

Hugs SS,

I had one of those moments Friday night and it really boils down to my past crashing into my present and affecting my future.

This is a great sponsor deal because this is where I am reminded the 3 P's .. I can say let me get back to you (pause), think about how I want to respond (pray), and move forward (proceed). I am not required to have an answer that second.

What great awareness on your part and like I have posted recently .. it's always shocking to realize when my behavior isn't as pristine as I "think" it is and I go in a different route and beat myself up. Wasted energy .. I'm not perfect and if I am going to give grace to others then I deserve the same grace for myself. As I am more gentle with myself I find my patience is better with others.

One thing that this year is really reinforcing and we are only in Feb .. LOL .. is the past is really the past and I have some choices in how I choose to deal with it .. I can't go back and change anything I have done .. I can make better choices moving forward. (I think about my kids and sending them out the door .. the joke is have a great day .. make good choices .. lol .. I love you!). I also can't make anyone else go back and rewrite history to give me a currently different outcome. Not going to happen, so what do I do right? I actually have a LOT of options to pick from. I also can't control how someone else reacts to a situation, especially if it's a hard conversation.

If you have done the best you can, you have awareness, acceptance and action .. there is no perfect. I think people get confused and think they will have this cosmic monk like peace all of the time and at least in my life that's not my reality .. what I get is moments of cosmic monk like peace and it motivates me to create more space like that .. I did not get here over night and things are not going to magically fix over night. I hope you are able to forgive yourself first and foremost, make your amends to whomever you blew at and move forward in a productive way. WHEN this situation comes again the tools you have will guide you through the rocky waves of reactions.

Big hugs,

S :)


"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 8827

SS - I too carried a Q-Tip in my pocket for a long, long while. I also agree that the steps helped me better see 'me' - what makes me tick, what makes me react, what makes me at peace, happy, etc. - the good and the 'to work on' were revealed. Working the steps helped me see that in the heat of the moment, fear cops in (from past events or projection or something else) and I just need to pause long enough to recognize my first and often second thoughts are probably a bit insane and immature.

My best go-to when someone is escalating at me or about me or .... is the abbreviated serenity prayer - Bless Them, Change Me. I repeat it over and over until my mind settles. It is my responsibility to learn through whatever tools available to respond in a healthy way. I still at times really want to 'go there instead' but know that I no longer care about being right, I choose to be happy.

You have good awareness which is awesome growth. Like you, when I was learning how best to use the tools and respond instead of react, after an episode, I felt badly about what I said and how I did. Just like coming to recovery, when the pain outweighs the good, we change the behavior. I no longer allow my past to influence my present - it's just not fair to me, them or others. I can relate to the scapegoat statement - I was a rebel from birth and certainly was the scapegoat in my immediate family and then even the extended family. It's taken almost 30 years to get a small 'promotion' and that only came about because 2 of my cousins are actively self-destructing from this disease as well as offspring that are NOT mine...

I practice JADE - not justifying, arguing, defending or explaining. Instead, in a situation like this were I am reacting to the 'scolding' or 'accusations', I'm very inclined to say, "You sound really upset about this. Can we talk about it when you are more calm?" I go out of my way to not own other people's drama/chaos. It never fits well and really doesn't look good on me!



Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 639

You have good awareness of the situation, SS, that's good already... Thank you for your share, a good reminder for me as well. I got a Q-tip to carry around just now, I've never done it before, will try. (((Hugs))) and keep coming back, you are doing great!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13719



Soggy remembering my inventories about taking it personal and the reaction and then the consequences are most enough for me,  If I don't like how it is going at first, in a few seconds I can make it much much worse and pay a horrible price causing victims to take me personal and then????  I rather hand it over to my HP and wait to see if there is something my HP wants me to do about it.   ((((hugs))))smile

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