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Hi, I am new to forums and have only attended a handful of Al-Anon meeting in the past, but I need help and I don't know where else to turn.
My husband started drinking again in June after being sober for over 2 years. I was very resistant to the idea of him drinking, but he assured me that it would only be a few beers here and there. I trusted him (stupidly) and agreed to him drinking beer on occasion. It has now been less than 6 months and I just caught him with a bottle of vodka hidden in the garage. I already had the idea that he was hiding hard alcohol from me because after being with this man for 10 years, I can tell by his behavior if he has had hard alcohol or just beer; there is a night-and-day difference in his demeanor. I finally confronted him today and he admitted that he had a bottle of vodka in the garage. I lost my mind and broke the bottle on the garage floor. I felt so much anger, frustration, fear, sadness, disappointment and many other emotions flood my body at once and I didn't know what to do. I am at the point where I just want to give up on him and our marriage, but breaking up my family is also the last thing I want to do. We have three kids and they love their dad dearly, but no one likes him when he is drunk.
I need someone to talk to who understands what I am going through and give me some advice on what to do from here. My husband is such a closed off person and will not talk to me about his feelings, which is why I think he drinks, so I don't even know where to begin as far as talking to him. Do I give him an ultimatum? Do I kick him out immediately? All I want to do is protect myself from being hurt again (emotionally) and for my children to not ever see their dad drunk. Please help me.
Welcome lilkbkk . You are not alone. Alcoholism is a progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. I am truly sorry that your partner has relapsed and so understand your pain and frustration, as both my husband and son followed the same path.
Alanon is a recovery program developed to help families of alcoholics recover from the negative effects that you are experiencing. Living with the insanity of the disease of alcoholism causes many to develop negative coping tools from which we need a program of recovery. Alanon is that program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please search out the meetings and attend. Please do keep coming back here as well -- there is hope.
awww I am so sorry....I always tell my older girl, she has been sober 6 years now, as of Saturday and she KNOWS, she is sober one day at a time....meetings meetings..steps steps..oh yea, let up and the devil sneaks in...
You can't do anything about him, but you can get you into meetings, step work, get a sponsor or recovery mate, (face to face meets are great because you can "hang out" after meet and make some healthy friends and allies in the hard days ahead) but yea, it sucks but its the addict mind set and it never goes away....management, keeping it in remission is it and it takes dedication to a strong program for the addict to stay sober...if they try to "get it together" on their own?? without strong support with AA, most likely they wont' stay sober, but there again , this is his choice, his life, or death if he keeps this up but you can save you and keep you together for those kids who need at least ONE reliable, stable parent.....so sorry this happened...when they start sneaking the hard stuff, its bad...been there done that and I left it....It really sucks to be in this situation...My heart goes out to you.......please keep coming back.......
Aloha Katie and welcome to the family...I'm the brother in Hawaii and I did a knee jerk reaction when you mentioned that nasty "relapse" word. Besides being born and raised in this disease and marrying alcoholics and addicts I've done a ton of formal education regarding alcoholism and drug addiction. The subject of relapse was even more intense because it showed me about what goes on when the alcoholic returns to alcohol; the before, during and after process of it.
In AA you will often hear the old timers repeat "Once and alcoholic...always an alcoholic" I have found that to be true and no longer question it. The definition of alcoholism is partly that it is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body...the compulsion keeps bringing her back and the allergy sets her up to deny it really is that bad...and it is. Alcoholism is a nasty progressive disease of the mind, the body, the spirit and the emotions which can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. That is in part the AMA (American Medical Association)s definition which I came to test as the husband of an alcoholic/addict and then later on as a Behavioral Health Therapist in a large Rehab.
Your husband has been recaptured by the disease and is back in retraining from it. Sadly so are you because alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with. When I came to understand just a little part of that I gent out after everything I could to help me understand what I was getting into and what was revealed to me was totally astounding.
Bless him for his two years sober...good job!! Now Katie is starting here own sober/Sane time and she had a world of others who have done it to help her also do it. Keep coming back ...this works when you work it. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for AL-ANON...call that number to find out where and when we get together in your town and come out to sit with us. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
I'm in a similar situation and understand your heartbreak and the dilemma of being caught in the midst of such conflict. Someone once pointed out to me that my husband already knows my feelings about his drinking so I don't need to tell him anything more in that regard.
Al Anon has taught me to keep the focus on me, what I CAN do. It has taught me to be my own best counsel and it has provided a place where I can test out ideas without judgement. I rarely think of myself but it has really helped me to speak my truth rather than just react to others. Going to Al Anon and reading here helps me to stay true to myself and to resist the manipulations of this disease.
It seems very natural to me to want to protect oneself and one's children. Sending (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 21st of November 2017 07:05:07 AM
lilkbbk - I too send you a welcome - glad you found us at MIP and glad that you joined right in. I am sorry for the pain this disease has brought you and your family - it is a powerful, baffling disease. Unfortunately, there is no cure - but there is recovery if/when one wants it.
For all that you are processing currently, my best suggestion is Al-Anon meetings. That is where I found others who truly understood what I felt and were able to share their Experience, Strength and Hope. I felt welcome and heard and did not have to be concerned with judgement or advice.
In my experience, nothing I said, yelled, cried or begged for changed the flow of the disease. Sad, but true. I had to learn that the three C(s) matter - I did not Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. Al-anon gave me a safe place to deal with the disease and heal as best I could and continue to do so.
Please know there is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. It makes me feel so good knowing that I have support out there. I am planning on attending Al-anon meetings again and I trust everyone's advice about me not having control of his drinking, but even if he decides to go back to treatment (he has already done a 30-day stint in California back in 2014), I don't know if I WANT to go through all of it again. I feel like I'm replaying this over and over again and all I'm doing is getting older. I promised myself after the last time he quit that if he started again, I would leave him. Well, here we are and once again I don't have the heart to tell him it's over. All I keep thinking of is how my kids will be heartbroken if he leaves or my WORST fear...HIM DRINKING AND DRIVING WITH MY KIDS WHEN HE HAS VISITATION. He is the type who has no idea how drunk he is when he drinks. He thinks he is fine, thus his history of 3 DUIs.
You already know that your life is the only one you get, but that Al Anon and working the steps will help you find clarity and the answers you need to help you decide if you want to go through this again with him. My XAH was dry for 15 years before he picked up drinking again. There are no guarantees in life and that's why it's so important that we take care of us, our children, and that we stay mentally and spiritually sound using program tools.
I went through the same emotions as you did regarding the children. I guess we were lucky because he did wind up getting a DUI and he didn't have our son in the car with him. The state required him to have the breathalyzer on for 2 years (well it was 18 months but he screwed it up by trying to start the car while being drunk TWICE and the state slapped on another 6 months) and that actually gave me more peace of mind. Please go back to program, work with a sponsor, and remember to just take things one day at a time!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hi Again L-- Alanon suggests that we make no major decisions until we have been in program for at least 6 months. I do hear your fears and understand .The tools that I received in alanon, as well the emotional support from like minded people helped me to make decisions that were acceptable to my life and everyone in the family. Please do keep coming back you are not alone.
I am guilty of picking unavailable men who usually wound up being A's of some kind.
Ironically I have found out through the program that as unavailable as I thought they were .. I was just as emotionally unavailable. It has helped working on me to find out how to heal on that level so I stop the pattern.
I have had two failed marriages and the common denominator was me, regardless of their faults and short comings, so starting with me to heal was the right step in order to move forward in a positive direction.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm really sorry this has happened to your family. I can relate to how distressing it all is. The shock and the uncertainty, concern for well-being of my children and to top it all off still loving the A. It's a mess and feels like an impossible situation. I'm currently in the beginning of divorce, taking care of three young children. I would never have thought I could do this. With the support of my Al-Anon meetings, sponsor and this forum I've not only survived but am learning new lessons daily.
The thing that worked for me in the beginning was the Serenity Prayer. It was my mantra. I said it everywhere. Home, work, in the car and at the store. When my world got turned upside down a few weeks ago and I was nearly insane with grief and fear that prayer was an anchor.
