The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i began to post wondering if i was looking for self pity .. nope .. already found that one all by myself lol .. i am just looking to be in a fellowship with others who understand or have felt what i have .. feelings can still be so large for me sometimes .. course i'm an adult child of alcoholism so .. everything can feel big sometimes to the kids still growing up ..
Came into the board because i am feeling somewhat empty tonight .. restless and back to wanting to jump out of my skin sometimes .. but do i really want to jump into someone else's ? well .. that never really has gotten 'me very far inside me .. repeat abandonment over and over so here i am .. in my own skin ..
i was checking my email lately and came across some piece of spam that actually caught my attention though .. it was a list of words and their meanings .. some sort of therapy read that mentioned Unfeeling feelings .. it gave the definition for Emptiness sort of as follows ..
Emptiness .. the Unfeeling of an Absent feeling ..
well tonight i came in because that is Exactly what my own emptiness is tonight .. why i want to jump out of my skin and into someone else's who is feeling something .. different ? i used to jump into the alcoholic slash addicts (enmeshment) and that was even worse for me than if i had stayed on my own side of the street .. etc .. even more chaotic .. course at that time with no alanon at least i was feeling 'something .. spoze that was better than feeling my own emptiness .. 'emptymess ?..
so i am feeling empty tonight because i am feeling the absence of hope .. love .. serenity .. inside me .. yep .. not at all feeling it but feeling better already for posting i think .. ''reaching 'out instead of 'into the emptiness .. glad i jumped in here instead of somewhere else this time .. .. finally realising how and why i waited for so many years for what i never knew .. hit me that of course that was codependency .. for someone 'else to come and caretake me .. understand me etc .. well i get those pieces in alanon but it's never in the same codependent way because all of our recovery's 'depend on One higher power that or who isn't dependent on us for love serenity hope and more .. but that or who is those things ... and just expressing through our group's consciences .. (esh) ..
So .. guessing jumping into an atmosphere with a higher power in the center isn't such a bad place to jump .. it's like jumping off a diving board .. i can continue to jump into the pool that has no water or choose the one that does .. .. thanks for baring with my share tonight .. ugh hoping this passes soon .. i'm grieving the emptiness tonight .. loss of feeling good ..
Hey there Metwo2 - powerful share. What it did for me was to validate that my feelings are valid and important even when I doubt them/that. We've had a bit of chaos lately and I felt a bit overwhelmed with it all. I wrote about it, shared about it and am in the prayer/meditation phase. I don't enjoy feeling sad, mad, lonely, etc. yet the 'adult' in me understands it's OK and real.
I've had to step back a bit, be gentle with me and do some work that apparently was necessary for learning/growth. I'm not 100% healed but feel less lonely each day I practice what this program shares with us.
Know that you aren't alone and I thank you for your honesty!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for sharing, it took me a bit of time to read through your share here because I felt it contained real meaning for me. I also understand that emptiness and the wanting to jump into something or someone and fill up that space. I also chose an alcoholic because lets face it, they fill us right up to the brim and then there is no space for us. Its a chaotic, noisy, scary space but its anything but empty.
What is it that's so awful about emptiness? I'm not sure why we feel that discontent way when there is space in our heads. For me, I go outside to fill it with anything, food at times, exercise at times, relationships at times, work anything. It only serves to distract me from the emptiness. The emptiness only goes when I reach out to a power greater than me, God, nature, one in the same for me, Alanon.
Why does it take me so long to go to where I need to go? Sometimes I enjoy the flutter of fulfillness in the distractions, they seem easier at times and yet they prolong it all and aren't good for me, not in the long run.
I hope you got some of your serenity from the right place tonight.
Thanks el-cee for the reminder i jumped into the right place .. so.. so much for them to fill us up with .. (ty for sharing that too) growing the emptiness even larger feeling less an less hope love etc .. as we go .. an then feeling like we will never get out of that pit .. ruts in the mud .. cars generally can't get out without a push or a pull .. so i definitely need to ask the right people to help me get outta that place inside me .. pretty much like calling on triple A or emergency roadside assistance .. which i definitely need .. it's really taken me many years to be able to admit .. nope i cannot do it alone .. not sure i even want to anymore at times .. guessing that's progress too ..
funny but as i get in touch with the kid .. i am slowly realising that reading in hope42day i think it is that mentions as a child i was shamed for acting like a child .. i used to think when i first read that, that, that was more about moments of behaviors .. ya know making jokes at inappropriate times or in inappropriate ways .. well today as i recognize this kid having somewhat of a no wonder moment moving in .. no wonder i've had so many fears worries doubts .. worried about what others think more .. frozen in groups on the inside as in hidden my voice, thoughts, opinions .. etc .. realising all children have insecurities (areas they feel unsafe in .. not insecurities as in weakness .. that was confusion in the 'meaning of that word) .. so any time i was angry fearful worried inappropriate at times pushy all knowing (as children sometimes were or are) .. i was shamed .. then again i have unrealistic expectations that people sometimes (family) should have been able to treat me or love me as only a higher power could would etc .. well there was so much God talk i thought for sure they could should be able to do that much .. save me ? no dissing them or the god talk .. i think their hearts were in the right place .. just their minds needed to be cleared .. so much confusion passed around the rooms .. hmm anyway .. glad to be here .. thanks for helping me and being here ..
it takes me so long to go where i need too .. sometimes for me it's the shame that slows me .. sometimes i'm not convinced i can't change something but whatever it is .. know i need to bring it somewhere there's more hope than what i have in me in the moment ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 14th of October 2017 02:02:04 PM
but feeling better already for posting i think .. ''reaching 'out instead of 'into the emptiness .. 
glad i jumped in here instead of somewhere else this time .. .. finally realising how and why i waited for so many years for what i never knew .. hit me that of course that was codependency .. for someone 'else to come and caretake me .. understand me etc .. well i get those pieces in alanon but it's never in the same codependent way because all of our recovery's 'depend on One higher power that or who isn't dependent on us for love serenity hope and more .. but that or who is those things ... and just expressing through our group's consciences .. (esh) ..
.. thanks for baring with my share tonight .. ugh hoping this passes soon .. i'm grieving the emptiness tonight .. loss of feeling good ..