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Post Info TOPIC: butting in to other peoples circuses


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 458
Date:
butting in to other peoples circuses


i always been a very helpful person. however,even after detaching and leaving my ex 2 yrs ago and getting out of his circus i find myself ireistably drawn into other people's circuses..my boyfriend's circus and now his smart but not practical savy nieces.i keep allowing myself to be sucked up in her problems. Lets make it clear, she hasnt asked for my help nor is she incapable of managing her own life..?? lol

i want to detach with love so i can stay focused on what i want to do with the rest of my life.. Help?

a



__________________
ALYCE R KINIKIN


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 43
Date:

Love is no more necessary to learn to detach than it is to learn to swim.
Detachment..is the separation of emotion from situations.
It is an acquirable skill that is used in many high stressed professions (Military, Medical, Law Enforcement) on a regular basis.
As per the CAL pamphlet It "is neither kind nor unkind". There fore it is neutral. (Love is kind and can be a perk..but it is not required to effect the process of detachment)

Detachment is the:
Process by which we stop taking on emotions/responsibilities that do not belong to us. There is a difference between compassion or empathy & actually taking on anothers emotions. If you are angry or hungry I do not have to be angry or go hungry as well . The same is true for pain, depression or grief.

Detachment is the Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
It involves:
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

I learned to answer a question with a question (a technique often used by therapists or the like), this helps me not to be drawn in to drama and puts the ball bk in the other person's court and allows me opportunity to re-direct a conversation away from a requests that might draw me from "my side of the street". Example
Them: "Do Me a Favor"
Me (Smiling but interrupting the conversation right there) "Do I owe you a favor?"
Them "Well no, but"...(Me interrupting again..still smiling).. "Good I'm glad we got that settled" then redirect quickly with "Did you try that recipe for cheese grits, we talked about?"

I learned to have canned neutral responses to stories of woe or attempts at pulling at my heartstrings. Example "I have every confidence that you will decide what is the best action for you to take" "or that God will lead you where you need to go" "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "You may be right", "I'll have to think about that and get back to you"
I learned that No is a complete sentence and that I need not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend nor Explain) my action or inaction. Sometimes I will say "I'm not going to be able to get involved with that, things like that interfere with my serenity, I'm sure you'll come to understand that, when you've had time to process things".

Realizing that people get a right to live their own lives (even when they don't do it to my liking) helps me practice detachment Realizing that God is God and I am NOT helps. (Seeking guidance from God does help). Not being a doormat helps. Cultivating an attitude Gratitude helps. Setting boundaries for myself and others helps.
The slogan First things First helps. (My serenity is first and getting outside my hoola hoop is bound to disturb it)
The slogan LIVE (emphasis on the first part) & let live is Detachment incarnate. When I focus on and get busy living my OWN life it is sooo much easier to let others do the same. In fact, it almost becomes and automated response.




__________________

IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 144
Date:

I catch myself doing that now.

I get real real real busy taking care of my own stuff.

It is a charactor trait for me to want to help. I have to work on curbing it all the time.

Some people lash back when you try to help them.

I have limits these days, lots and lots of limits.

I have my own goals, my own objectives and my own self to take care of.

I deserve to take care of myself

Maresie. 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7356
Date:

Oh...(((Alyce))) - meddle is/was my middle name. I say is because when I see someone in need, a part of me still wants to jump in and 'save the day'! However, I can add was to that as this program has given me all the tools I need to pause, consider the action/consequences and then instead offer my help if they want it.

Anytime I hear, "You should....." come out of my mouth, my next statement is an apology for overstepping. Old habits do not change fast/easy. There is a reason why I love what's in my signature here - Practice the Pause. It has truly served me well in all areas of my life.

I am reminded also of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You're on the way to change!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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