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I am not sure how to feel when I have a good day. We are fresh from a crisis (2weeks) and I have been mad, crying, sad, scared and very angry. I am tired of it all. I have been going to counseling, he attended AA, I have been attending alanon, going to church, praying and it is all helping so much. My ah has not drank since the crisis. He and I have had a good couple days here and there. It is nice. Why do I feel bad that I enjoyed these happy moments? Like I am just waiting? The kids are untrusting as well. They almost seem mad at me for getting along with my ah (he is their step-dad). Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is it wrong to feel happy and hopeful? Hope that all of you are well. Thanks for the replies.
Hey Kat - I do know that in early recovery, I struggled to stay present. I had spent so, so long living in the past or projecting in the future. I did find it hard to accept the 'good' as it almost seemed it could be the 'calm before the storm'...
It took time to realize that good is what I deserve. It's what we all deserve. I now believe that I can be grateful for what is working well, just for today and focus my energy there vs. what's not working well. The ODaT concept really helps me as does my daily routine. I do pray in the AM asking for God's will to lead me and I also pray at the end of the day with gratitude for what's working. This seems to help me better focus on just today as well as taking note of the 'good'. Before recovery, I was always focused on what was broken.
HTH - (((Hugs))) - glad you all are having some better days!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good question. When I have a good day or two I start to get stressed!! I'm getting better at it though and put the stress down to the fact that I have grown so used to having crisis in my life that I start to question my usefulness when all is calm - and yes, I can see that this is very silly!! These days when I feel stressed for no reason I ask myself what is going wrong and when I realise that there is nothing that I need to be dealing with I celebrate by doing something that I enjoy or that is useful to me - my next best step I suppose.
I remember the first morning that I woke up feeling optimistic and healthy after a long stretch of days when I thought I couldn't cope and I remind myself of that warm feeling from time to time. I think my brain is used to worrying and it is my job to remind it to take a holiday and explore ways to relax.
Aloha Kat and great post. The question "Now what do I feel and what do I do"? was also a huge concern for me because I didn't know the solution to it. Being born and raised in the disease meant that I was conditioned to a different "normal" than many others. My normal was as a child of and spouse of an addict and alcoholic and learning how to live that way became normal...and I just didn't think life was different...It was supposed to be that way and it became my insanity..."Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".
I went after solutions to it like you have here. Listen to others express how it is for them and ask them how they got what they had especially the condition of happiness and confidence and such. I asked all the time and I listened and took notes and then I did what I learned was very necessary...I had to do what I learned not just memorize it. I had to practice, practice, practice until the new thoughts and behaviors became natural and normal and habitual for me. I had to become remade and the Al-Anon program helped that to happen so that I became a different person.
I had a sponsor who taught me how to see and do the "opposites" which means if I was having trouble and anger and sadness doing a certain thing then I was to do the opposite of that thing and earn the opposite outcomes. The opposite of anger is acceptance and when I do acceptance I get the freedom from being angry and resentful and such. I am peaceful. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness which took a bit longer and more practice and then it is great not to hold resentments and not be judgmental and critical and condemning (yes it is difficult and not impossible). I learned a new definition for love taught to me by another Al-Anon female, "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are (that is a principle condition of my character) and it doesn't even mention alcoholic.
So much more has happened to bring me peace of mind and serenity so that when I have a good day it is a normal day and I feel blessed. YAY!!
Keep on keeping on with peace of mind and serenity as you goals and practice. (((((hugs)))))
Hi, Kat, I have felt just as you do, waiting for the bomb to drop. Gradually I understood the very important concept of One day at a time (took my a good while), and I try to live it each day now to the best of my ability. Something I heard at a meeting also helped - having my head and my legs at the same place. It suggests that I should try to physically get to where/when I'm thinking of or else get my head back to where I am at this moment :) Oh, I'd forgotten this piece of advice, I'm so glad your post reminded me of it! Another thing that helped/s me enjoy good days is to have expectations that are realistic, especially regarding my A. "High hopes and low expectations". Alcoholics are not consistent or reliable so it is healthy for me to expect inconsistent and unreliable behavior. I'm still learning, but I've gotten n better, and in turn I don't get let down much anymore. Progress not perfection... You are doing great, keep coming back! Hugs :)
Hello Kat, I handle a good day with prayer and a great deal of gratitude. Living one day at a time, trusting HP to provide the courage and wisdom that I need to live life on life's terms has helped in this process.
Thank you all for the responses and encouragement. I feel much better about enjoying the good. I was feeling guilty for enjoying the happy and maybe a little scared of the "storm" that comes so often. I will keep on taking one day at a time and I am praying for God to lead me and thanking him at the end of the day for getting me through. I am so grateful for the advice and acceptance that I have found here. Have a blessed day.
I can certainly enjoy the "good" around an alcoholic.
Nevertheless I watch my boundaries like a hawk.
I also know that I have to really really watch my expectations.
My expectations can be way off.
Only this past week, one of my coworkers did something that was damaging to me. Here was I thinking I was at last working somewhere drama free.
Oops
These days when my expectations get dashed I can regroup pretty fast. Before my expectations were on a out of this world variety.
Certainly it is also all right for children to be mad at an alcoholic. That is a healthy thing.
I imagine it must be very very hard for children to embrace what it means to try to function around crazy behavior. Nevertheless having sane, healthy, boundaried behavior modelled to them is a very very healthy thing.
I grew up in total chaos. I know that uncertainty followed me into adulthood and was very very detrimental.
Boundaries are hard because they go against all that people pleasing and bending over backwards for everything we are so used to.
I know where that got me.
Being boundaried is essential for me. I gain a lot of disapproval over that. Nevertheless I know it is so much better than being permanently and catastrophically emotionally exhausted.
Thank you for your reply. It describes very much how I am feeling. I am trying to set those boundaries and it is not easy at all. I have been people pleasing for so long. Those around me seem mad that they can't get me to bend over backwards for their needs anymore. I have always wanted to say "no" or that is enough, but for whatever reason I feared rejection. I am realizing that I have a lot of relationships in my life that are serving others and I am getting little in return. I hope that in time I can set and keep healthy boundaries with my ah, children, other family members and friends. I am currently working on step 3. Thank you for your advice.
(((Kathy))) thank you for sharing your journey with your MIP family, it's inspiring for me and cheers to good days. It took time for me to set boundaries, at first I didn't even know that setting boundaries was about me and not about the A's or others in my life. I'm always working on improving and changing my boundaries because I'm constantly getting to really know myself, for me it's about progress and not perfection. Sending positive energy your way, step 3 was a game changer for me :)
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
