The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Al anon has given me the opportunity to develop some wonderful new perspectives on things that once seemed very black and white. One of these is the ability to enjoy the wonderful qualities people have, even when they might also be someone that I need to detach from in other ways. I see this as a great gift- the discovery that it is OK to love or appreciate someone and protect myself from what I consider to be their dysfunctional or harmful behaviors at the same time. I don't always have to throw the baby out with the bath-water.
It's no secret that I have a difficult relationship with my mother and I generally need to practice a level of detachment to maintain my serenity. Otherwise, I can drive myself insane trying to analyse her intentions and so on. However, today, I'd like to take the time to appreciate something about her.
She has always made a big effort to be a grandmother to my daughter, and as my daughter matures, she is discovering that she really quite likes grandma. They have similar tastes and enjoy shopping, and making things look "just so" and manicured nails and fashion magazines and...well, you get the picture. So daughter has started visiting her during her school holidays, and the two of them shop and cook and daughter returns with lovely hair and nails and bags of lovely new designer clothing...lucky sod, lol. It's nice, anyway. They both enjoy it and I like knowing that daughter has some extended family that she feels close to.
Anyway, she has been there this past week and my mother has called/messaged me several times with questions like "Is it Ok for me to buy her this skin-care product? The ingredients are xyz..." or "Can she have her hair cut to this length", or, the other night, "Is it OK for her to watch this tv show with me? It has some sex in it. But it's all historically accurate and tasteful" (I'm still giggling about that).
So, daughter returned home yesterday morning and complained that "Grandma wouldn't let me do anything without asking "does your mother like you eating that/watching that/doing that?" And I thought, wow. I'm lucky really, because I know that soooo many people have parents that ignore or even deliberately go against their wishes when in charge of their children. Mine has always been very respectful in that way.
It's a little thing, but I appreciate it. It's nice. And I appreciate that I am now able to see and appreciate these kinds of things. It enriches my world a lot. I'm grateful for gratitude I guess, lol
Hi Ms.M thank you for your insightful share. I too have found that when i practice "detachment", I am able to appreciate the many positive attributes of others, that I often overlooked because i was too focused on the negative. Love how having an "attitude of gratitude " effects my day in a positive manner. Glad your daughter is back home.
And I appreciate that I am now able to see and appreciate these kinds of things. It enriches my world a lot. I'm grateful for gratitude I guess,
***********************************************
I had a very very rocky relationship with my now dying sister who still clings to life, but is slowly drifting away...She attacked my recovery..blamed me for the abuse...came against me when I did my legal name change, even said I should renounce the paltry little bit of money offender left us...oh yea, she tested my patience BEYOND the pale
2 years ago when I had this "inkling" that she was not going to ever go into remission and heaven knows how long she has, I decided to reach out to her and basically "lets make our peace and not let the darkness win..how about we let LOVE win???"
She jumped on that..was eager to have a relationship with me....since that olive branch i gave to her, she has made amends to me re: the abuse and told me "she will go down in flames b4 she really apologizes or takes responsibility for her actions" BUT----she DID say that I was never to blame because I was an innocent child and that she was really proud of me, the way I am "turning out" She had some nice stuff to say about me..."worked my inventory" in a most PLEASENT way, I must add, LOL
Not very long ago, I would have let old grudges, old "she owes me" thinking, old resentments get in the way of a possible new beginning...a reconciliation....
for that I am grateful...I was telling my beloved cousin last night when we had a sleep over and really chatted and shared..she is my other best friend in my whole life....I had to be brutally honest with her and I told her point blank that I was glad SHE was OK and that we needed each other and lets "stick together" and hang out more with each other because life is so tentative..temporary....then we talked about my sister and "R" told me that she was proud of me for reconciling with a woman who was so absolutely cruel to me...I told "R" that forgiveness on my part was a gift to me...it was TIME to bury the past old hurts and the darkness needs to be put to rest, sent back to its source, I don't want it, but if I ambrutally honest with myself, I CARE about this sister..I am grateful that we are on nice terms....I empathize with her illness and suffering and I care about her, but really??? I don't love her like I do "R" or my best girlfriend....To me, love is an accumulation of experiences...good ones...DNA is not a Carte Blanche on my heart....CARE about her, Yes...Truly love her, No!!! I sorta "love with a lot of detachment" I hate to see her suffer, I hate for ANY living thing to suffer....but I was thinking outloud last night with my "Cuzzie" and I had to admit: I just don't love her like a real sister...That said, I am grateful for this program, making me a better, kinder, "door is open" type person who is not so black and white anymore and I can and did forgive her...I don't , to this day, want to get REAL close to her....Its a protection thingy for me and also I am being true to my feelings...I NEVER in this past two years talked about my recovery or my triggers or my down times with her...this past two years has been great because: I had boundaries on our relationship and topics for discussion and I stood to them and did it being KIND
Beautiful I'm grateful you shared that. I'm also so grateful to be awake enough like you to see and feel gratitude. I think it's unconditional love. Such a gift x
Great post and one that I love reading and comparing to my life and program today. gratitude even for the mushy parts and things that happen because the program and MIP have invited me to learn how to accept it all for exactly who or what it is and then when I can I should celebrate the loss of resentments and anger and judgements I use to carry with me...what a diet!! loss hundreds of fat ugly pounds. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks folks. Glad it resonated I see it as, before, for some reason I had taped up half of my glasses so that I could only see the negative stuff. I guess so I could be wary of it...and that's sensible when there are many things to be wary of but somehow it became a default setting. I missed out on so much when I could only see the negative! And it is literally me that suffers for it, not the people I feel negatively towards. Now, I have to go and have a meeting with someone I really dislike this morning. Ha. Can I carry this attitude of gratitude into the meeting???? Wish me luck lol
Well thank you. The meeting was not awful after all....the lady I don't like was out sick and instead I saw a very nice chick that i enjoy talking to. She pulled a few strings for me too and organised something cool for me that I couldn't have done alone. Basically, BIG SUCCESS!!! Yay!!
It's been a good day so far
My gratitude in general is fairly strong and practiced regularly . My trouble arises with my A, who does tons of helpful and unselfish things for me. I appreciate all of that. But now she is resuming a relationship with an A couple, who nearly destroyed our marriage 12 years ago. This couple provided lots of drinking opportunities and my spouse acted in ways she never had before-lying, not coming home, drinking and driving, etc.
I am immediately in detached mode-this just happened last night. The detachment with love is not happening today-I feel sickened by the entire thing. However, gratitude must be firmly implanted because I am not anxious or depressed. I've been accustomed to my A's sick behavior and I hope I am changing my reactions.
I will try my best to be grateful for the good she does, and detached from the self-destruction she does. I am no longer going to destroy myself over it. Thanks for the topic today. It's just what I needed, Lyne
lol