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Post Info TOPIC: Put the Focus on Me


Veteran Member

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Posts: 94
Date:
Put the Focus on Me


Reading through some of the posts this morning on break and those are the words that keep popping out at me repeatedly. I appreciate this about Al Anon. That the program recognizes that I need this. That I should be focusing on myself and the shortcomings I can work on. Also, that I can stop the way I typically place focus on myself which is to worry, fear, self-berate, and just overall give too much attention to the negatives or things that haven't happened yet. 

As things with my AW seem to be slowly worsening I think changing my focus is more important than ever. I already have been catching myself wanting to confront her about stopping her meetings, our relationship, whether she's drinking in secret, etc. But so far I've been able to keep in mind to keep the focus on me without falling into my usual anxiety/self-pity traps. I can't force our marriage to be better. All I can do is work on me. 

This is easier said than done sometimes. 



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Senior Member

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Posts: 148
Date:

Hi, WestMan, this is a great topic. This was a really hard nut to crack for me, I'd been so immersed in what my x-abf was doing for so long, I thought what I was doing was normal... But these are not normal situations and my automatic reaction is not normal either... I know I REALLY begun to focus on myself a month or so after moving out of his flat, very very recently. I begin to see the absurdity of the way I'd been living for years in the madness, focusing on him unreasonably, unproportionally more than on my own life... I'm thinking in the last couple of days I'm not sure what normal, healthy relationship might be like, actually. I mean, I think I and my x-abf were a normal teenage couple at some point, but I'm an adult now, that's bound to be different... Congrats on making progress with your recovery!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 14806
Date:

You are right Westman-- program talks easy but walks hard. I found that I had to pause, and replace my negative voices with positive ones, such as the slogans or the serenity prayer anytime I was tempted to react. I had to fill the void with positive reinforcement
You are doing great.   Keep on keeping on



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 521
Date:

Westman, You sound just like me talking to myself! One day someone posted on the board: If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. This makes so much sense to me, and it is so hard to do. Some days I've have down pat, and other days, I have to ask. The best logical step here, is to focus and take care of me. And it's not that it all works smoothly, but over time, I am making progress that I can look back on and see. You are doing that too, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 6782
Date:

Great topic and great shares.....you are doing good Westman - just posting here and realizing that your patterns are still 'there' and you want to be/do different is growth. I had a hard time seeing/feeling any growth for a long while and then literally one day, I realized I had done things for me and gotten to bed time, and hadn't fretted, freaked or obsessed. It was almost magical!

You're doing awesome and I agree with Betty - when the negative thoughts fly in, do something different to see if you can send them flying right back out. The Serenity Prayer was a great tool for me and the slogans and even just excusing myself to go to the restroom for a quick prayer was a gift.

(((Hugs))) - one day at a time, one moment at a time.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

WestMan wrote:

 That I should be focusing on myself and the shortcomings I can work on. Also, that I can stop the way I typically place focus on myself which is to worry, fear, self-berate, and just overall give too much attention to the negatives or things that haven't happened yet. 

As things with my AW seem to be slowly worsening I think changing my focus is more important than ever. I already have been catching myself wanting to confront her about stopping her meetings, our relationship, whether she's drinking in secret, etc. But so far I've been able to keep in mind to keep the focus on me without falling into my usual anxiety/self-pity traps. I can't force our marriage to be better. All I can do is work on me. 

This is easier said than done sometimes. 


 dear WestMan, this is such a powerful, healthy post...YOu got a good program, to see what you gotta do to take care of/ work on you....so right!!  "All I can do is work on me"  whatever happens outside of the circle I drew around my own two feet is not my business, not in my realm of control, not anything i can control....I can only take care of my side of the street...my yard.....



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2432
Date:

Hugs Westman .. it so shows that you are doing the best you can given the situation and that is such a positive thing. Taking care of self first. I am often reminded of a reading that I think is in C2C that talks about putting on our air mask first and then assisting others. I know this sounds so weird because I remember how personal I took my marriage and someone told me that what my XAH did was none of my business .. I do shorten that to .. provided it wasn't putting my health at risk .. when it negatively impacted me where my physical health was being jeopardized and this was in regards to him having affair/s.

Keep working your program, keep moving forward, because regardless of what the A is doing or not doing .. you have the right to be happy and have serenity.

Hugs S :)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 391
Date:

Westman sending you a big hug. I can completely relate to your post. I fall into those traps too. The part that really stood out to me was "I can't force our marriage to be better" It's true yet for me it's so hard to accept that. The longer I am in the program the more I can tolerate and sometimes even be comfortable in the space of not knowing what the future holds for me. I can work on making myself happy and it helps a lot. Keep on keeping the focus on you.

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Kmt


Member

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Posts: 8
Date:

Hi I can relate as well. Unfortunately tonight I fell into the trap. I allowed my AH to send me over the top because of his threats if I didn't give him money. Promising he would stop his addiction if only I would pay this debit. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that before. Tonight though I allowed myself to get angry screaming acting out. I had just had enough disrespect in my house. He doesn't work he just parties and hangs out the only time he is home is when he wants money from me. Now he is bullying me to get it. I have to stop the insanity. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have been postponing a decision because my AH has a court date in 1 month that I have to go to and put up the bond money for. I forgot my tools for a few minutes but have regained my composure. I just needed to vent. I am trying to change me I am not perfect. I guess I gave the neighbors a laugh.

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Kathleen Taylor


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 6782
Date:

(((KMT))) - I got a chuckle out of your last sentence....I can recall many times here where there was chaos/drama, and I am quite certain we too gave the neighbors some great shows!!!

Thanks for the share - sending you supportive (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers! I've been there and done that!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 422
Date:

This post reminds me that sometimes life is like a saving bond, if you work at it over time you will have a great reward.

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Sharon 



Senior Member

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Posts: 242
Date:

Iamhere wrote:

(((KMT))) - I got a chuckle out of your last sentence....I can recall many times here where there was chaos/drama, and I am quite certain we too gave the neighbors some great shows!!!

Thanks for the share - sending you supportive (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers! I've been there and done that!!


 OMG...AH#1 shoved me against his mother's kitchen sink....I grabbed his dad's bayonette that he got in WWII and I chased my Ex out of the house--down the street--and the neighbors had to catch me and "disarm" me...they also liked me a lot and felt sorry for me...they threatened Ex AH#1 that if he EVER puts his hands on me, hes toast.....oh yea, we gave them a show all right...i used to feel shame about it, but ya know?? I was just a sick little CoDa married to an abusive alcoholic but nevertheless, messed up.....THANK YOU UNIVERSE that I am not in that place again...



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***

Kmt


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

Hi Thanks for the support. I am struggling right now trying to focus on my HP. My AH just left the house middle of the night, threatening to do something to me if I don't give him money I don't have and a divorce. He looks at my bank account sees I am overdrawn and accuses me have hiding money from him. I wish I had. Also accuses me of having a boyfriend, when he is the one that cheated. I am trying to give this all up to my HP but had to get it out. This disease is so awful. The paranoia and mistrust, the way it warps people's thinking. I was stronger tonight and didn't yell or cry. Kept trying to stay focused on me and what I need to do for my own sanity. I am waiting for him to come back and get his stuff tonight, he has instilled that fear of not knowing when or if plus what his actions really are going to be ,that it is hard to go to sleep. Have to be up in 4.5 hrs to go to work. This sucks! Thanks for listening.

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Kathleen Taylor


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 148
Date:

Hi, Kmt, just wanted to say I can SO relate - my x-abf also has accused me of not giving him money I didn't have and of having a new lover since I've moved out. I'm so sorry you're going through this stuff, but I'm also relieved I'm not alone in this, I hope you know what I mean... One day at a time, the best way to go, not so easy though. I hope you get some good rest before work, you are totally not alone! ((((Hugs))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 6782
Date:

(((KMT))) - sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. You are not alone - keep coming back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Kmt


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

Thanks for your support. He came in this morning right before I am leaving for work like nothing happened, like he didn't say what he said. Today I am just focusing on me and what I need to do for me. One day at a time. Right. Easy does it. I am leaving him in his mess and guilt for the day and going to have a great day at work. Keep working my program.. Let him work or not work his. That is his choice. Have a great day I give thanks everyday I have this forum to read and participate in to help regain my sanity.

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Kathleen Taylor


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6782
Date:

Continued positive thoughts and prayers headed your way Kmt - love your plan for the day - I second it for myself!!! (((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

No kidding! I know when I am heading for trouble when my AH pops into my head and it brings me to a very dark place. I know I need to immediately change the channel and ask myself what am I going to do today. Today I get another phone call for Jeff who must be in big trouble to get rid of his phone number and lucky me got it. I answer very kind to say " no Jeff is not here" and it is his brother Scott. I said I guess you don't know your brother that well and he said he just got out. Me , I didn't take that further, but he said I must be a kind person because I have a sense of humor about getting Jeff's calls. I said I hope you find Jeff. If I just slow down and not get so anxious about everything I can have a little fun in my life. At least, this occupied my thoughts. I want to try to find joy in my day. That is my new mission! If I have to make myself do it. Now this takes work but I know it will be healthy for me. What would I be if I didn't have alnon to turn my thoughts around.

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