Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Mother of Poodles · Newbie

Still In Love With My Alcoholic Ex

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Welcome, Living with the disease of alcoholism causes many to develop un- healthy coping tools in order to survive the insanity. Alanon face to face meetings which are held in most communities will help you to process your feelings,give you new tools to live by and offer a safe environment in which to make healthy choices.

Keep coming back here as well.

Mother of Poodles · Newbie

Thank you. I attended a few Al Anon meetings years ago after the break up. I thought I was over this. You are right, I should revisit those meetings. I have a very codependent nature, especially towards my ex alcoholic but really believed I had moved on. I just get confused and don't know if it's love, or codependency. It's almost like an addiction I have to him.

shrnp · Senior Member

Welcome Mother,

Alcoholism changes everyone it touches. You said your ex has been sober for six months which is nice but not very long. It is not uncommon for someone to get sober and reach out to an old partner. Time can stand still for people that have been drinking for years. Reaching out to an Alanon group is a good idea because there will be people that have things in common with you and your situation. I have a couple of Ex-As and the break ups were for more reasons then alcoholism. I have fond memories but it is like fate for me, there is a reason for everything. You have come to a good place, good luck with your journey.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha K and welcome to the board. You will be responded to by tons of Experience, Strengths and Hopes from this fellowship and to the degree that you follow suggestions you will get help. One thing I learned when I found Al-Anon was to review how I thought, felt and acted with my alcoholic/addict to how she thought, felt and acted with the chemicals and sure enough I was as addicted as she was and the drug was slightly different. I was obsessed with her as much or more as she was with the alcohol and drugs she used and behaved with. The obsession is intense and it owned me even when I could admit that sane people wouldn't behave that way and so....I wasn't sane. I found the 2nd step very knowledgeable and admitted I had never known sanity...I was born and raised with in the disease of addiction and that is what I knew and I married the women I drank with....so there!!

You sound like and addict or alcoholic who is going thru withdrawals and as a former therapist within a large rehab I've seen many and we are often duplicated. I suggest finding an old timer or experienced program person to go over the steps with you and tell you how they see it and relate and then look at this again yourself.

Withdrawals took me out of myself and often I imagined the addicted alcoholic/addict would save me. NOT.

Glad you are here and in support...keep coming back often ((((hugs))))_ confuse

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Mother of Poodles wrote:
My ex fiance and I were together for 5 years, then broke up for a year, then got back together for 6 month, then I finally called it quits. What ended the relationship after all that time and everything he put me through, was that while we broke up for a year (and yes I did date someone else during that time), he slept with this girl his brother was seeing and ended up getting her pregnant. He and his 2 brothers are alcoholics and they had to do a perternaty test to find out which of the brother's child it was. Turns out it was my ex fiance's child and that broke my heart. So, I forced myself to move one. Years passed, 6 to be exact, and he only got worse. Meanwhile, I got married in 2014. My husband is a very kind man, but younger than I am. Though I love him, I don't feel the emotional connection I felt with my alcoholic ex. My ex would still try and contact me, but my husband made me block his number. I however, still spoke to his family. About 6 months ago his father was diagnosed with cancer and he hit rock bottom. I won't go into details because we all know the story. Anyways he was forced by the court to take a substance that makes his body physically I'll to alcohol. So far he has remained sober for 6 months. His father died last week and I went to the funeral. He was contacting me regularly and talking to me on the phone saying, " I should be going through all this with you". So, of course I feel conflicted. I still love him. He was the perfect man for me when he was sober and now he is. Hopefully he will remain sober. I feel terrible that I can't stop thinking about him. It's like I'm obsessed with the thought of what could have been, or what could be now he is sober. I wait by my phone all day in hopes that he might call, or text. Advice please! I don't know what to do, or how to keep it together. I feel depressed all of the time and I'm having a hard time functioning from day to day. I feel like crap for feeling this way, especially since I am married.

Everything -- everything that is going on here -- the entire story, as nothing to do with your husband, your ex fiance, drinking, etc. Everything...has to do with...YOU. This is all about YOU. Thus, that is where you have to start and end...with YOU. Just my take, you are the addict. You are addicted to your ex, and everything going on in and around this entire situation. If you truly listen to yourself, you should be able to see and hear this. Part of you is also in denial. There is also co-dependency going on here. Your life is at a pivotal point right now -- the precipice of who knows what. I would go for professional help and go to as many face to face meetings as you can, find a sponsor and start doing the work. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck.

_bunny_ · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP ((Mother of Poodles)), I'm glad you're here. Before Al-Anon found me it was easier for me to recognize my AH's addicted behaviors, neediness and dysfunction than to see my own addictive behaviors, neediness and dysfunction. As I began to work the steps, I discovered I had been on a "high" with my attempts to manipulate him and a "low" when he was no longer there for me to control. The drama made me feel alive and I had become addicted to the love/hate cycle. It takes A LOT of faith, trust and steady program work to begin to heal and grow, but it is well worth the effort. You're not alone, keep coming back :)

-- Edited by _bunny_ on Sunday 18th of June 2017 11:24:19 AM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Glad you found us motherofpoodles and hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us. There's lots of support to be found at f2f Alanon as well. Sometimes we can visit the "if onlies." Who hasn't done that in their life huh? People in general do that not just people who have been affected by alcoholism. Who hasn't been curious about how things might have turned out had choices and actions been different.

Just speaking for myself, the great thing about working a program of recovery has been that I can identify what I'm feeling and why I might be feeling it much easier than before recovery. Just pausing to consider the source of my feelings allows me to make conscious decisions instead of reacting. In Alanon, we say "acting vs reacting" to people places and things. The 12 steps of Alanon and Alanon tools have helped to arrest that impulse behavior. I'm very grateful because such a pause and connection to my higher power helps me to look before I leap. Sometimes after waiting, I find I feel differently, sometimes I come to realizations about how my choices could affect not only me but others. As a program person I want my actions to be reflective of my higher power's will for me. If I feel uncomfortable, ill at ease, hyper, obsessive, resistant, anything negative I usually don't keep pushing forward in that decision. I take these feelings as evidence that this is not in my best interest, not my higher power's will for me at this time. That could change but right now the answer is "not now." In the past, I had very little regard for my own emotional well-being and was led by desperation and kept pushing to instantly get what I thought would give me happiness. The emotional fallout to myself and others was sometimes devastating.

I hope you will take good care of yourself in this situation. Meetings can be so helpful for understanding our part in relation to alcoholics, sorting things out and establishing healthy boundaries concerning ourselves and other people. I wish you the best on your Alanon journey to the answers that work for you in your life. Keep coming back (((hugs))) TT

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us. You sound as if you have a lot of awareness about your situation. I bet most if not all of us know that situation where we think, "Why are my feelings so strong, in view of everything? Why are they so overwhelming?" I've thought long and hard about this and I have some suggestions. Because otherwise it's overwhelming and baffling, in my experience.

One is that relationships with alcoholics are full of intensity. We want their love and it's never quite available. That's a very intense, absorbing experience. It causes craving. Intensity feels good for those of us who might have some depression, or some lack of love in our backgrounds. It's very distracting. It sort of takes the place of a quieter love. With a quieter love, our background depression tends to break through. The trouble is that the intensity doesn't actually heal our wounds from the past. It just distracts us from them. It's like taking a painkiller instead of letting a broken leg heal. You have to keep taking the painkiller because you're not healing the leg. But having the pain gone feels so good. However, ultimately we don't get anywhere just keeping on killing the pain.

Another thing is that because the alcoholic is never fully available, the thrill part of it never wears off. We can always imagine how perfect it would be "if only." We've probably experienced a few perfect days or weeks with him, and we imagine it would be like that all the time - "if only." Before he was unavailable because he was drinking, now he's unavailable because you're married. (And my guess is that if you weren't married, he would have some other reason to be unavailable - it's a chronic thing with a certain type of person.) So the romantic-fantasy part of it keeps on hanging around.

But people who are in recovery are warned not to get into romantic-type relationships - even just emotional ones like he's kinda-sorta starting with you - for the first year. The fact that he's leaning to you like this suggests to me that his recovery is not very great. That doesn't bode well for what it would be like in the long term. The wise way of getting involved with an alcoholic in recovery is to wait the 1-2 years until his recovery is good and strong. But actually for people like me, the wise way is not to get involved with an addict in recovery, even if he's been recovered 20 years. Because I know that I have such codependent tendencies that if he relapsed, there's a real danger I wouldn't protect myself properly, and I'd be swept into the whole chaotic merry-go-round again. People who don't have a codependent history may be less vulnerable. Many of them could probably respond healthily to being with an addict in recovery. For me, it's like an alcoholic walking into a bar - not advised. So that could apply to you as well.

Last, I remember the saying "Passion is the expectation of some vital fulfillment." I'd suggest that a reason that you're thinking of him so much and having that craving many of us know is that something is missing from your life. That doesn't mean that he's the one who can fulfill it. Maybe it's your husband who can fulfill it, maybe it's your friends, maybe it's changing many things about your life, maybe it's you, maybe it's your Higher Power, maybe it's a big combination of those things. It's generally unlikely that it's only one person. But when one person reminds us of that thing (which we may not even have identified to ourselves), that yearning often kicks in. It's an important yearning to pay attention to. But it's also important to realize that it comes from you, not him, and that he may look like the answer, but he isn't really the answer.

Take good care of yourself. Hugs.

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Mother - Welcome, glad to have you with us; it sounds like you have your hands full, so glad to hear that you have been to meetings and plan to get back. AlAnon meetings and reading helped me out of some pretty desperate, overwhelming times and continue to help me reduce my insanity and boost my serenity. You are not alone, hang in there

Bo - I havent spoken with you before but appreciate your obvious knowledge of the program and experience in dealing with the effects of the disease.

One of the things that led me to the program is that my desire to help others often took the form of giving direction and feeling that I knew what others should be doing and needed to do in order to improve their circumstances. I often felt it was my duty and obligation because they didnt seem to see it for themselves.

AlAnon helps me see that is not my duty or my right, and when I try to direct others I am taking over gods responsibility. With the help and guidance of the program I am working to make progress in this area and keeping more focus on my story and what I need to do to improve my situation; less directing others and more focus on minding me, less criticism, more support.

I still wrestle mightily with this area when dealing with others, including on this board. The program readings under the topic Advice were of great help to me, particularly these pages ODAT: 57, 221, 256, 306, 331, and C2C: 6, 106. I realized that using the phrase take what you like and leave the rest does not absolve me of my responsibility to show others the respect they deserve by not telling them what I think they should be doing.

With your experience in the program, I am certain these passages are not new to you. I find, however, that no matter how many times Ive read program material I always come away with a new point or perspective when I give it a fresh read.

Hope you are having a great weekend and a Happy Fathers Day if it applies! Grateful for your willingness to share and help others with your experience, strength and hope

Kmt · Member

Hi Thanks for your posts. It helps me to see the world differently. I am so thankful for this forum. There are no Al Anon meeting close by where I live. The closest is 45 miles. Thanks for your sharing.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Mother - glad you found us and glad that you shared! Love the babies in your avatar! This darn disease is powerful and progressive, and it reaches well beyond the drinker to affect those who live with or love them. I am sorry for your pain, confusion, etc. - there is no shame at all in loving alcoholic - it is when we loose ourselves that we find a 'bottom' of sorts that pushes us to recovery.

The best part of recovery in Al-Anon for me has been the gift of 'me'. I am one who was a daughter, a mother, a wife, a niece, a cousin, a friend, etc. but I had no idea who I was or what I was as a stand alone human. The program gave me the tools to strip away much of my previous training and focus on just me - my needs, my wants, my spirit and my values. I learned that I am a person of extremes, and that seeking balance is a better way to live.

That's my basic story and it is in recovery that I found the peace and grace to be me and allow others to be who they are. Even if we aren't directly exposed to the disease actively, the affects seems to hang out and affect our lives. There is tons of support, hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!

Mother of Poodles · Newbie

I'm overwhelmed at the response! Thank you so much, I really needed that support. Mattie, I feel like you really hit the nail on the head! I work in the TV/film industry and travel for weeks on end, so going to a f2f meeting is hard when I work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. I plan on finding a f2f meeting when my current gig ends and will attend as many as I can before I leave for my next job. Thank you all SO much!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

KMT the Al-Anon Family Groups have the facility for starting new meetings whenever and where. I have done this in the past and continue to do it where there is the need. See if you can get in contact with anyone in the "Area Office" and tell them your need and see if they can and will facilitate. One of my last helps was to a mountain community 59 miles out of town which was a success. We had 7 from our local district make two trips up to introduce "How it works and do an open demo meeting to the families of the area including the alcoholics and last time I checked the meeting was still going and another had been started plus the alcoholics themselves grew in facility.

Keep coming back. ((((Hugs)))) smile

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Working 12-14 hour days, 6 days a week, absolutely can make getting to a meeting difficult. Keep trying, LOL. It's like anything worth having and wanting -- it takes effort, and it's on us, in this case, YOU. I know during a busy time of year, when I am working 12 hour days, plus, before I know it, it has been 5 days and I haven't made it to a meeting. Even before I realize it, I feel it. I know what it does and how I utilize the program in my life, how I live, practice these principles in all my affairs, etc.

Yes, there are meetings all over -- the US and the world! I've been to meetings in numerous states, and I am not embarrassed to admit that when I travel, in advance, I check out where meetings are, dates, times, etc. -- and I make them! LOL. I went to meetings in the LA, Hollywood, and surrounding areas, and they were excellent. In major metropolitan cities they have many meetings, around the clock. Where I live, in Northern NJ, there are 45 or so meetings per week, including beginners meetings, in Bergen County, NJ. The very next county, Rockland County, NY only has about 8 meetings a week throughout the whole county. Hit or miss.

But, they are out there. Keep coming back.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Mother - just a thought to add to Jerry's share....it sounds as if your industry is demanding and probably others are also short on time. It only takes 2 persons to make a meeting - it's possible that others in the trenches with you may have a similar need. Just a thought that within the crew you might be able to find some support/fellowship by following what Jerry suggests. Anonymity is a tradition that we all hold close so that would not be my worry.

I do know that if a recovering person finds themselves in a sticky situation while away from their home group, it's suggested to ask, "If there is a friend of Bill W. available." I heard this in AA meetings often when I started recovery 30 years ago and thought it was kind of strange. Low and behold, 10 years later, sitting in the airport, I heard that exact message over the airport loud speaker. Amazingly enough, several people from the sitting areas at the gates headed towards the suggested spot. We had a mini-meeting for the person who was tempted by alcohol in the airport!

Get creative - you never know what's truly around you until you get creative for a solution!!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Iamhere wrote:
Hey Mother - just a thought to add to Jerry's share....it sounds as if your industry is demanding and probably others are also short on time. It only takes 2 persons to make a meeting - it's possible that others in the trenches with you may have a similar need. Just a thought that within the crew you might be able to find some support/fellowship by following what Jerry suggests. Anonymity is a tradition that we all hold close so that would not be my worry.

I do know that if a recovering person finds themselves in a sticky situation while away from their home group, it's suggested to ask, "If there is a friend of Bill W. available." I heard this in AA meetings often when I started recovery 30 years ago and thought it was kind of strange. Low and behold, 10 years later, sitting in the airport, I heard that exact message over the airport loud speaker. Amazingly enough, several people from the sitting areas at the gates headed towards the suggested spot. We had a mini-meeting for the person who was tempted by alcohol in the airport!

Get creative - you never know what's truly around you until you get creative for a solution!!

Those are excellent points!!! Thank you!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene