The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A couple of weeks ago I posted about the worry I have with "varicies" possibly with my ah. But also I get a week to myself due to a business trip my ah is taking. (he did ask me to go but I'd rather stay home for obvious reasons) Thank you all to those who responded or read my post.
Now I have this week to myself coming up very shortly I have another worry and it's a very selfish one. My alcoholic brother is coming (he lives in a different state) the week before the 4th holiday/leaves the 4th. It keeps going through my mind that he'll show up the week I get my alone time and it has me on edge. He likes to just pop in unannounced. He already asked if he could stay with us....he's worn out his welcome at other family members homes. I told him he could. I was the only one he told he was coming 2 months ago when he called about this trip of his. He didn't want anyone else to know....my parents,other brother,friends included. But since he has told my parents. One problem is he expects everyone to drop what they're doing to keep him entertained. We work,take care of families etc and if he comes unannounced no one is going to stop what they have planned to keep him company. He mentioned him and I take a day ride. I can't,not interested,and very busy. My ah can't be away from home cuz of potty problems (still wondering how he'll do on this trip) he's caused himself and he can't go without that beer for more then a couple hours so we don't do much. So I've taken in stray animals,mostly cats that wander on to our property who need some TLC. I love my fur babies with all my heart and I'm ok with staying home and being with them. I'm not about to leave my dog in the house alone all day by himself so that will be my excuse to stay home. But still I feel like I should padlock and double bolt my doors. Bring in the extra hiding key outside and in my barn and just lock myself in my house and not answer the door or phone. My parents don't want him at their house, he doesn't really want to be at their house....no booze, and my other brother, who is an alcoholic himself always has his own things to do and lots of times when our little brother does show up he won't answer his phone calls.
I'm not on a guilt trip if he does show up a week early and expects to be invited in but I sure don't need the stress of saying NO and I will, when I'm having the most peaceful time I've had in years. I've even told my kids no babysitting no favors that week and they more then understand. I told my parents that's MY week and can't wait. My mom said it sounded like fun so unless it's an emergency they won't ask for help. I don't want to fight or make little bro feel bad but I will to save my sanity or what's left of it. I'm to the point where I can't wait until the week after the 4th so I don't have this hanging over my head even though my alone time will be past by then.
Thanks again for listening while I vent. It does help.
Pixie, I so understand the need for peaceful alone time, especially while dealing with the family disease. I am so glad you have the support of your parents and kids to have that week of self-care with just yourself and your fur babies.
I love my alone time and have finally come to the realization that I deserve it and should have no guilt because I know it is good for me.
Even if it feels stressful now, I believe that once you set and keep that boundary, you will feel so much stronger! I am cheering for you.
Alone time is a must for me. Except when I am working, I do try to set up time for myself. I turn off the TV, and even the music and just listen to the sounds of nature. Is there maybe a way to get in touch w/him or message him and let him know he can not come during the week your husband is gone.... I hope you can, then you won't have to worry about him barging in. Its YOUR time you deserve it, its ok to say "no" its a complete sentence. Take Care..... linsc
I like my 'me time' as well.....it renews and refreshes me to have moments where it's just me and God/HP. I am one who believes family relationships can be very hard and then even more complicated if this disease is around - active or not. I had to grow in recovery to come to a place where I learned to say what I mean/need, mean what I say and not say it mean.
I am one who struggles big time with balance. While I enjoy spending time with family, I also can get overwhelmed. If I don't take care of me, I tend to fall back into old patterns. So while it's not always easy to set boundaries and detach from how other react, in the long run, my relationships have improved as I am a happier and gentler soul.
I was raised that it's the job of the host to ensure everyone is happy.....well - some people are not ever happy so that was an uphill battle in my world. I now believe we are each responsible for our joy and if I need a break, I'll grab my dog, head phones and take a walk. I'll head to the gym....Before recovery, I would have thought it rude to leave guests and do something for me. I now do it for the pleasure of my guests!
My parents are coming for a visit sometime this month and they don't usually come during summer. They know they are welcome anytime - but they also know I have plans every Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun - and I don't change them. Hopefully they will make plans as well - they know others here and enjoy their outings. We'll see how it goes once it happens.
So do what you need to do. You can suggest it's not a good time to visit, you can accept the visit and do for you or you can accept the visit and do for others - recovery gave me back choices and I'm grateful!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to have alone time. It is a time when I recharge my batteries. I like the idea of getting the hidden key and putting a padlock on the door! Take care of you first.
