The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning all - so grateful to wake from my own bed with my own pillows!!
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about Denial. Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcoholism and both the A and those who love an A are often affected by denial more deeply than realized. We may have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, and depleted spiritually, emotionally and physically - yet - we roll on and pretend that everything is 'fine' and 'we got this'...
How refreshing to attend an Al-Anon meeting and answer honestly the question - How Are You? For how long have we been on autopilot, and simply said Fine - when in fact things were not fine at all....
As our recovery begins and continues, it's important that we are in an environment where honesty is practiced. We don't have to expand deeply on all that's wrong or right - not always desirable or appropriate - but when asked, pausing a bit to assess and answering honestly is a gift! Letting go of denial and seeing what's real around us gives us tons of freedom and better vision to recognize our choices.
Today's Reminder --- How do I feel today? How am I doing? If I can answer those questions truthfully, I am more likely to pursue the help I need and to share the happy times with others as well.
Today's Quote --- "We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves and with others." from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
I am guilty of stating FINE often/always BR (before recovery). It was the polite response I was taught many years ago in a FOO that pretended quite well that we were always happy and no issues existed! What a rude awakening I had when I moved out and realized that the world, most people and I were far from perfect. How odd to me when I saw people who were happy where they were and not chasing after that dream of the perfect life with the perfect wife and family?
Adding to the taught habit of 'polite response' with a hint of hiding pain and chaos, is the shame I lived with because of the disease. I felt very alone as I walked around comparing my insides to others' outsides and felt way, way less than because I could not manage a darn thing in my home. In my distorted thinking, there was chaos all around me, and I should be able to fix it - and because I could not, I was the failure!
For me, as with many things in recovery, more has been revealed. I feel safe today in most conversations saying exactly as I am. I no longer have my superwoman mask nor do I pretend that things are perfect, rosy and grand if they are not. By working the steps and this program, I can see that I am imperfect exactly as those who brought me to recovery are. I also believe today and accept that we are exactly as God made us to be - imperfectly perfect in our own ways.
Living in denial is exhausting. Not only did I act as if things were great when they were not, I ran around trying to make it appear so for the 'cover-up'. I made excuses for others, I cleaned up after others and I used a ton of JADE often - Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining.
Today, seeking my truth and working to live there, I appreciate the extra oxygen in my body from just keeping my mouth shut and looking for direction from my HP. I am able to say that today I feel tired, happy, concerned, sad, etc. and the best gift of all - my go to emotion was always anger.....not any longer - working this program taught me I have layers of deep emotions - my only known reaction was anger. I can know own what I truly feel and process it in a healthy manner vs. raging at the next human that spoke to me!
Hugs and love to all - grateful for the sunshine and to be home. Softball tonight and tons of catch-up between then and now. Loving Layla (my dog) a long while as she was so excited to see me ... she almost had a huge asthma attack! Bless her Heart - she thought I was gone forever!
Make it a great Thursday!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LOL .. this reading reminds me of a huge complaint I had about my XA .. I used to joke we could be in the middle of a major crisis as an example (fictional story metaphor) the house was on fire the fire department showed up and my XAH would send them to the next house explaining everything was FINE. (F'd up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional)
I never said I was FINE .. I often stated I was Ok. LOL .. that one is not as much fun as an acronym. Ok can mean a plethora of things.
The denial was still there and the worst thing is when the denial comes off like a stuck on band aide where the glue sticks I tend to want to rip those suckers off and just deal with the stuff to deal with .. so my response to denial is hurry up and address everything at once .. let me tell you how that works out for me .. LOL .. It doesn't .. LOL. I am doing with some loose consequences that will resolve themselves it's just a pain in the butt at the moment.
This is an awesome reminder to be real and be present in the moment without projecting what I want or what I think things should be .. thanks for the share. :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your service, IAH, and for your shares... Denial is a big issue for me. Although I've un-denied a couple of pretty important things already which has helped me tons in my recovery, I feel like surely there must be lots of painful awarenesses to be undug still... All in good time, I guess.
