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Had a perfectly decent day today. Following my sense of unease from two days ago, to realization that yes, my A is deep in the disease to today. We had a birthday part planned for our youngest son. I put expectations aside yesterday, knew we would have family over and despite the lashing out/anger I got from him yesterday evening I knew he would be here. I knew I couldn't predict his mood. I chose to be happy.
(Normally) after an episode like yesterday he would show up and I would be resentful, angry, passive aggressive, have an attitude, etc. Today I just said hello and we took the house to task to get ready for our day. We had family and friends over (of course he drank beer, no hard liquor--- I didn't make any faces or judgement, didn't say anything just continued on about our day). He grilled, we had a great time celebrating. So he was off to his "moms" house to watch the game. Ok, moving past that, accepting his truth. We walk out so I can let him out of the driveway and he says, "oh! I forgot, this present is from my mom"
BAM!!!!!
What happened: I KNEW it was a lie. His mom (of course) was at the party and she said to me when she came in "I;m so sorry I haven't picked him up a present yet" I said no worries. This is not unusual for her to do. So I said "No, that's not from your mom, she said she didn't get him anything" WHOOPS he didn't KNOW I had that conversation right. But by golly he stuck to it! And then said "well that's what she told YOU". OMG! I am NOT STUPID. (program fail btw, I know it) I said, I could call her right now, and he just shrugged. He already committed to the "story" so what else can he do? Nothing, right? FURIOUS. Ok, So those of you following my little story probably have guessed at this point in my post that the present is from the "other woman" (I use a different term, but will keep it PG haha). I got in my car and said I am not stupid and left it at that. SHAKING MAD!!! I can't stand that. He is an adult, the choices he makes are his, but involving the boys is NOT ok. UGH....
OK ,Deep breath.
What should've happened: Knowing the truth, let it go? He's never going to be honest about this (until recovery- or ever I'd guess). So what purpose does it serve me to point out I know the truth? This isn't the first time this has happened, it's been going on our whole relationship (if I am brutally honest with myself, pathetic perhaps, still working thru why I allow this type of behavior, be easy on me).
So who ruined my day? Guess my answer could be ME. Bad habits, die hard. After all, "I'm always right" (haha ok little humor never hurts anyone, but it's true I make a career out of being right! Don't you?)
Did I bring the insanity? Sigh.
And what comes next? The "guilt" the feeling that I need to somehow apologize. That "oh no, now is he mad at me" ... UGH where is my program in this minute? My anxiety is thru the roof. I am --- Waiting--- for the lashing out texts from him... they may come, they might not come. Of course in this little scenario I just "gave" him an excuse right? He LOVES when I engage, (in his mind) puts it on me. Or at least he's said that enough over the years that that is what he is saying in my head right now. I can have a whole conversation with him and he isn't even here (haha, but seriously!)
Thanks all for listening :)
-- Edited by pumkin26 on Sunday 21st of May 2017 07:38:44 PM
I have a suggestion of you being easy on you and shutting the phone down for the night .. it is ok to disconnect to regroup .. the texts should you choose to respond will be there in the morning.
Personally I think I have a different take on anger my friend .. it is OK to be angry in an unreasonable situation .. your spouse is lying to you .. mother Teresa would get angry over the lies the corporate world tried on her when they tried to market her so to speak .. Jesus got angry that the synagogue had been turned into a market place .. I think people forget that anger is a healthy response to unreasonable situations .. now what you DO with that anger is a different issue. I have often said if you are taking a sledge hammer to the windshield .. I think we might have a problem .. LOL. If you are using it in a positive way it motivates change and I'm not talking about now would be a good time to decide oh I'm done with the relationship .. I don't believe big decisions should be made when you feel too good or feel to negatively .. it can motivate a different approach .. soooo ..
You are pissed off .. I think it is reasonable to be angry that your spouse has lied .. it's not about you the lying is not personal .. so what are you going to do with that energy to move through it .. go to a meeting? Take a hot bath? What kind of self care are you going to do so you can move through the unreasonable?
Reboot your day like you've rebooted your program and keep on keeping on .. what does that look like to you?
Big hugs .. emotions happen .. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Ugh, pumpkin my love. Reading that and a few other things, it strikes me that there's more than just alcoholism at play here. He sounds emotionally and psychologically cruel. Good on you for not being complicit in your own destruction, through the actions of another. Assetts and gratitude list, pronto would be my suggestion, as part of validating you. I admire your calm.
It sounds like some of your day was good. Don't let a little thing ruin it for you. It is very hard to not say things when you know someone is being deceitful. It sounds like enabling when one person does something to cover up for somebody else. I might be wrong but maybe it is family thing and that might be a reason for his behavior of not taking things more seriously.
From what you've said in your recent posts, you're quite sure he's cheating on you and really brazenly too, since as you've pointed out, all it would take would be a call to his mother to ascertain he hasn't been living with her at all.
I think something many of us forget to do is apply our al-anon principals to ourselves first. Forcing yourself to accept something that is frankly unnaceptable isn't a kind or compassionate way to treat yourself. You also owe it to yourself to live YOUR truth and if it were me, that would be a lot of pain and frustration and anger and (you name it really). I think, to be honest, trying to force yourself to just accept accept accept, without taking steps to make your own life happier/less painful is maybe just setting yourself up to eventually explode. I say that because that's the only way I can imagine feeling in your situation and of course it just might not be that way for you. Still, I really urge you to take extra care to be kind to you and not just force yourself to endure.
Hugs.
Fantastic reflection and awareness and courage to look at your part . Great post great program work. You are claiming back the power over your own life keep up the good work.
(((Pumpkin))) Reading you post did bring to mind my then AH infidelity and that was over 25 years ago and it still amazes me how the adulterer actually believes that no one knows what they are doing. At the time my AH tried to turn his behavior on me and accuse me of his unacceptable behavior. I not only felt angry, I felt deeply humiliated as many others knew before me. It took me a long time to have the courage to open up about this at a F2F because I was afraid of what others would think. Just the opposite, they understood my fear and gave me the strength and hope to move through it and be gentle with myself. Thank you for having the courage to share and please keep coming back, you are important.
Pumkin - so sorry that the BAM happened. You are not alone - - - I have to be reminded often that recovery is about progress and not perfection. Being aware that your BAM happened and it didn't feel good shows me great courage and growth in recovery.
I believe if you just keep leaning into recovery, work with a sponsor and align with the program, more will be revealed. Speaking for personal experience, I truly did think that I was the queen of deception and manipulation when I was active in this disease. I also thought I knew it all and was not hurting anyone else. Basically, I was in denial, fueled by mind-altering substances and no amount of words spoken in any way would have changed my journey. Only when I hit rock-bottom and got sick and tired of being sick and tired did I embrace the need for change.
These types of life challenges for me were so much easier to address with a sponsor who cared about me and loved me. I am a huge fan of the, "When in doubt, don't" simply because trying to force my solutions onto others for years was my controlling MO. Today, unless I or another are in eminent danger, I slow-roll most important decisions. I seek guidance from trusted program friends and my HP. I learned in recovery that I can not eat an elephant but for one bite at a time.
Take good care of you and be gentle with you. One day at a time - we move forward in our recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone! I was on the phone with an Al-Anon friend last night and reading posts, read a few responses before bed and then first thing this morning. The support is incredible and each response had such great nuggets for me to chew on.
As predicted he texted late in the evening, accusing me of having another man and getting ready to move another man in (since I of course "kicked him out"). I did not engage, I sent a short reply back, said goodnight and went to sleep. Based on that I know he was pretty deep in the alcohol by that point. Glad to have the program and everyone around me that I can now not get sucked in by those text antics and go to sleep without further thought.
Until Al-Anon, the accusations from him about me "cheating" would just rip me to the core. 1- because I knew it was his own deflection but more importantly 2- I took it as a personal attack on MY character. Doesn't get much more personal than that, but I see the manipulation now. Stings, but I brush it off and don't engage. He doesn't do it as often anymore bc I just refuse to go there with him. Small successes!!
-- Edited by pumkin26 on Monday 22nd of May 2017 04:24:24 PM
(((Pumkin))) - good job and way to go!!! Your experience is similar to mine - when I stopped engaging and/or reacting, they shifted their behavior over time. I have said that pushing my buttons when under the influence almost appeared 'fun' for mine. When I changed, they found something else to do as did I.
Keep working it girl....we do have an awesome slogan - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally...my sponsor made me walk around with a Q-Tip in my pocket as a reminder. I had a few BUTs about this - it was personal most of the time!!!! Yet, every person in recovery that I spoke with would say the same thing - it's the disease talking and not about you...it's about him.
I do shut off all noise on my phone when I go to bed. I have blocked any/all of my qualifiers when I desired for my sanity. Al-Anon gave me the gift of choices - really did not think I had them before!! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I definitely need to embrace QTIP. My Al-anon friend I called yesterday kept saying that and SerenityRUS says it a lot too (((hugs))) It's hard bc it FEELS personal, right? But this whole weekend would have sent me into a resentful wallowing hurricane of a person. While I am still affected, I jump right into my program and work thru it, my feelings, etc and move on (as best I can).
I am also hearing (from people's shares and posts and in my head when reading) nothing changes if nothing changes.
The phone is a major issue for me. I laugh bc I have a Pavlovian response to my phone. The double standard has been reinforced from him that when he calls or texts I answer or hell hath no fury! lol But if I call or text it's totally optional. He has every excuse in the book not to respond. Now I can say the binges make it hard, but that is not always the case. It's only if it's important to HIM. period. Anyways... I have this thing (before program) that I would say I am so mad I am going to turn my phone off and that way WHEN he calls or texts he can see how it feels... I don't last too long and I'll turn my phone on and shocking he hasn't called or texted! How rude! I wanted to "show" him and he didn't follow thru haha... so then I'll say I won't answer and then he;ll call and I rush to the phone. INSANITY at it's finest! Anyways, I need to get better at this. Very hard.
pumkin - I hear you and can so relate!!!! The phone was a huge issue for me too.....Out of 4 of us, I was the only one who answered the calls, responded to texts, etc. super fast - and it's because that's what I thought I had to do to be a 'good wife' or 'good mother' or 'good daughter' or ..........................
What you mention above about him not responding or not answering is exactly my experience. They do so when it's convenient. I was such a nut-case that I ASSumed my way was the proper/polite way, and they were rude, insensitive and selfish. My sponsor taught me that technology is designed for simplicity and convenience - the speed of response is a personal choice. Duhhhhh.....
I still twinge when I don't here from mine in a short while. But, without fail, I turn my ringers off when my day is done. If there is an emergency, the cops will find me. If not, it can wait until morning. My sons tend to text after midnight - less change that I will be up and respond. I do respond, if I desire when I wake up - 5am....or not.
It's been a slow process for me to set aside my wants and my 'beliefs' and realize that everyone has their own value set inclusive of rights/wrongs. Stepping down from my throne and pedestal has taken some time, but the air is much better in the 'real world' than my own make-believe palace!!!
We all just get better by practicing.....I am better able to let go of the insanity when I am practicing self-care. There is no doubt that for me, a daily routine works wonders. It's not a complicated one but it's consistent. I have much more peace when I stick to a consistent structured day with program 'stuff' woven in.
My go-to mantra in the 'heat of the moment' is Bless Them, Change Me. Over and over and over again. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
