The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone, I'm new to this board and so happy to have found you all.
Started practicing the 12 steps again, after about a 10 year hiatus. I thought I could do it all on my own and forgot about the 12 steps. This left me with 10 years of uncovered anger, rage, resentment towards both parents (who are alcoholics). And 2 major alcoholic love relationships. I am such a codependent, and the sludge of hidden resentment was getting thick. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong! Why and I so miserable? Depressed? Disempowered? Why did they do this to me?
I'm also seeing a therapist. Since starting therapy, I've been triggerred lately by revisiting memories about my family life growing up. The neglect left a crying inner child who needs love. I sought validation from outside people, like my mom and dad and never got it.
Triggered mainly my mom (an addict)lately. Flashbacks of the way she treated me cut like an open wound and the pain pours out. When I have seen her the last few times, I can hardly stand to be around her. Why is this?
Unforgiveness. Resentment. Thinking that one of these days she'll change, she'll apologize, she'll grow from seeing her daughter suffer in depression.
Pure rage and hate seemed to brew from nowhere. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming at her. Mad at her neglecting me my whole life. Mad at her selfishness, her stubbornness to change. Mad at how she disrespects me even today, and most of all mad at how I have let her affect my life.
This is all hidden resentment. Resentment is poison. It blocks the truth. Resentment makes you think "you're right, and they're wrong". Resentment keeps you from truly feeling peaceful and truly in grace, because your brain is fogged by the hurt and anger.
I honestly haven't taken inventory of how I've been resentful, ever. I thought I was right.
Today, I choose forgiveness. My A mother has been one of the greatest teachers to me for forgiveness, and I am working on it every day now. Every day. For that is all in the past, the memories, the feelings, the hurt.
I realize now that the way she and I interpret the past is very different.she will never change into the person i wish she was. And that's ok. I don't have to be right.
How long till I let go of carrying around resentment? Resentment stinks like old poo. I choose to let the old stinking thinking go, to make room in my soul for new dreams, in the now. Set myself free!
What a relief to finally work the steps to forgive. I am taking it one day at a time. But with my higher power, I know that it is a change for the better.
Thanks for listening!
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Grace saves me. Love saves me. Both are in my higher power, and both are in my self.
Hello Jubilant Girl welcome, this is indeed a powerful Fourth and Fifth Step. Thank you.
Letting go of anger and resentment and moving towards forgiveness is a huge breakthrough in recovery. Congratulations Knowing that these defects only hurt ourselves is a true gift of understanding.
I do hope that you do search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings again, and that you keep coming back here as well
I too send warm welcomes to you Jubilant Girl - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I can relate to the pent up anger, resentments, negativity....it took me a while in recovery to get to what Betty suggests - I was the one hurt by my own negative emotions and feelings and letting them go did give me freedom to find my joy. I then got upset with myself for holding onto them for so, so long.
I have a great sponsor who is also a retired therapist/counselor. She's very calm and calming and soft-spoken. She has a way of getting me to consider that what was is just that - past and what matters is right here and now. She also does a great job of reminding me that we (and they) are human - imperfect humans who will let others down. It's not intentional and not premeditated - instead it's just a reality of the human condition.
I am sorry for your pain and hope that you can find yourself and your joy in recovery. It's worked well for me and when I can stay focused on One Day at a Time, life is truly very good and full of joy. Keep coming back! Glad to have you as part of our journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your kind encouraging words!
Nurturing and nourishing myself is vitally important. I am so grateful for the 12 steps.
I am ready to take responsibility for my self. I know that there may be challenges along the way, but I am hopeful.
I have looked outside for love in others, rather than looking inside myself. This has lead to heartbreak and disappointment. This seeking love and validation outside in others has led to doubting myself.
Doubting myself led to resentment in others and blaming them for not loving me the way I need to be loved.
What a vicious cycle. I am ready to turn all this over and surrender to love.
Thank you!
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Grace saves me. Love saves me. Both are in my higher power, and both are in my self.
Welcome Jubilantgirl. Thank you for sharing, I can relate. I find the slogans "but for the grace of god" and "how important is it" to help me when I'm feeling resentment creep in to my thinking. Also forgiveness is the key for me, it's not my job to judge or punish because we are all humans doing the best we can. I'm glad you found MIP and keep coming back.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Today I practiced forgiveness again. This time on my self.
We can be so critical of ourselves for feeling anger and resentment. So it stays hidden somewhere inside.
We tell ourselves something like "my parents never loved me" when in fact they probably did more than we know. We saw an experienced a different side then them.
Also, it is not true that I didn't receive love from parents. (I noticed that I wrote that )
We can tell ourselves the worst of a story.
I have to let go and give myself a break every now and then. This is new for me.
Thanks for listening!
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Grace saves me. Love saves me. Both are in my higher power, and both are in my self.
Jubilantgirl,
My father was an alcoholic, I don't think he chose to be. I do not think he meant to screw up my childhood or my adulthood. Addiction is not a choice it is a disease. For some reason I have always known that. That does not make it hurt less but it helps to understand that his drinking was not a plan to undermine my life. He had good intentions when I was born. Good luck with the program, I am glad you are finding forgiveness.
