The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH seems to find ways to take Fridays off or at least come home early on Fridays. I won't even go down the road of what a bad idea that is related to his work because it's not my problem it is his and shockingly it doesn't seem to cause him problems. But it causes me problems. He tries to refrain from drinking all week (sometimes successful but most times not) but Fridays are his party day and on Friday nights by the time I get home from work he's drunk. And usually this leads to a problem of some kind or another because he's not very pleasant and he gets rude and obnoxious and I just dread it. If it wasn't for my daughter I wouldn't go home until he was asleep on Fridays but SIGH I guess I have to be around it. I am very good at detaching every other single day but Fridays are the biggest let down for me. Everyone else is excited to get out of work and head home and I just wish I had to stay for some reason or another. I know I know I'm having a bit of a pity party. I have Frustrating Fridays. That's what I call them. I will go home I will detach I will find a way to spend time with my daughter. I just wish Fridays were more pleasant for me. Maybe I need to make some kind of a change to Friday evenings? Maybe I need to set a boundary, make plans to take my daughter out without him etc. It's just difficult because he doesn't have any insight into this pattern and wants to spend all this time with us no matter how drunk or sober he is. The one thing I do know is the more "forced" time I feel I spend with him the more hostile, angry, unhappy and disgusted I get with him and that is not a good thing to keep going.
So writing this out has helped. Maybe I need to apply the serenity prayer to it. I need to accept the things I cannot change----he is going to drink on Fridays especially. He is going to take over the house and my arrival home will likely be unpleasant. Change the things I can- I can change my reaction to it by not reacting to it. I can change my expectations about what Friday nights will be (not family nights with him). I can make other plans to do other things with other people. I can usually go out after my daughter is asleep even if it is to walk to the dog to get out of the house and get some space. I don't have to sit around and talk with him when I am home I can do my own thing and enjoy my home too without having to "entertain" him in his drunken state. We often have a fight and then I feel like I have a right to go out but it doesn't have to come to that. I can just give myself that space.
I'm going to take this opportunity to try something new instead of feeling sorry for myself and dreading going home each Friday. I'm going to plan something new and see if it helps. Holding on to the frustration isn't really working for me. It just results in more frustration and dread.
Thank you for sharing KT I'm sorry you have felt like Friday is just not your day lately. Weekends are not that grate for me either lately.
I really like your closing and it actually is going to help me get on with this weekend on a more positive note. So I just wanted to thank you for that. I hope you find time to do things that make you happy this weekend HUGS <3
KT - great share - great awareness. I had days that were certainly more difficult when living with active disease. I did as you suggested - made other plans. I had boys so we would go to the batting cages, the park, McDonald's, etc. - things that were for them and mostly about them. It made my day as I love watching them in their 'element'....these were safe things that my AH would not want to do - he was more of a homebody when he was active.
With a little girl - girl's night out (GNO) maybe? Nails, movie, McDonalds, etc. - just suggestions.
For me, any change in my routine helped more than I ever thought. For me, change in general was a forward movement as it helped disrupt my own thinking process, which ... was not very positive before recovery and in early recovery.
I also learned in recovery that everybody's got something......so when I was jealous of others who were leaving work happy and excited for Friday, I learned in program that I was comparing my insides to their outsides - kind of like apples and oranges...another awareness for me - my distorted thinking thought all others had it better than I. Not necessarily true or untrue - just not known.
Keep processing - you're doing great!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand that dreadful feeling and applaud your idea of finding a new routine for yourself that you enjoy. Going out with daughter, or just treating yourself, sounds lovely.
I have not shared much here yet, but I can definitely relate to this. My husband has worked different shifts all his life. He has a good job, but boy, how I dread those shifts... When he was on midnights he would come home around 8 in the morning. The kids would go to school, and he would start drinking at 8:00. I would keep hoping he'd go to bed, but he'd stay up until 1 pm most days. I tried going places so that I could get away from it, only to come home to him still up "partying" and totally drunk by then. This is the shift I hate the most. He is on a weekend shift now and for some reason things are a little better. He does still drink every night and every so often will have his big binge that I hate. The last time resulted in a huge argument between us involving intimacy, because I'm not attracted to him when he's like this. It's very hard to deal with, but I think you have the right attitude. I need to somehow detach myself also so that I can deal with it better and not have to mentally be so involved. I have older kids-a son and a daughter-so I spend a lot of time doing things with my daughter. We watch movies together, shop, etc. It really does help. I also go for long walks to gather my thoughts. I wrote a letter to him the last time we argued, more for my own sake so that I could get my feelings out. I doubt I will ever give it to him, but it made me feel less insane. I try not to focus on the future too much...one day at a time, right? Hang in there and know you are not alone.
This sounds like a demoralizing way to have to live - a time of week you (justifiably) dread every week. I wonder if staying with him compensates for these grueling Fridays? This is just to say that there are always choices. Even if you're not in a great position to separate now, you can prepare yourself so you are in a good position to separate. I say this not because you should or should not separate. You're the person who's in the best position to know that. Just that we're always in the strongest position when we do something (like going home to an alcoholic on Fridays) because we've chosen to do it, rather than because we have to do it. If your overall life together is worth it, maybe that's something to keep you going through those Fridays. If not, then that would be something to look at. Take good care of yourself.
Sometimes i think i had gotten so used to living in pain that I told myself it doesn't really hurt. I got so used to people controlling and manipulating me that when I felt "off," I thought there was something wrong with me. Life kept pushing and hurting to get my attention, pushing me to own my power..... to take care of Me.
Your entire post tells me that you know very well how you feel and you are taking responsibility for your feelings about your precious Fridays... Your post is about stepping out of victimhood, and that sounds like the road to freedom and serenity to me. awesome!
Give yourself permission to set the limits you want and need (((hugs)))
Thanks everyone for the support. It's funny that of course the one Friday I post this he doesn't drink and we went on to have an extremely pleasant weekend (I love my HPs sense of humour). In the past I would have just assumed the problem was fixed and he was going to cut back his drinking but I know the disease of alcoholism all to well now. A gift this program has given me is to be able to enjoy the good weekend I did have without overanalyzing it and creating more unhappiness for myself down the road with unrealistic expectations. I know that he isn't "cured" because he had a good weekend. And I will be prepared for the next Friday night that isn't as pleasant.
This positive weekend gave me some time to reflect a bit on what I can do to change things for myself. I realize that I have been just handing over my Friday nights to my AH. Like it is up to him how it is going to go. I do need to set some more boundaries and take charge of MY plans for the evening. I can have a plan A and a plan B and maybe even a plan C. And yes being in this relationship is a choice that I have a say over and it's good to be reminded of that too :)
Thanks to each and every one of you.
HUGS
(((KT))) - so glad it went different than expected....I giggled a bit about HP's sense of humor - I get it.....Isn't it refreshing and different to look at what went good vs. what isn't so good? I love that the program suggests gratitude and asset lists - they truly helped shift my thinking as I grew in recovery.
Keep working it - yay for all of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh how I can relate! I used to love weekends. I dread them generally as well - precisely when I know I can't control what's going to happen. But I have learned so much like you and have been trying to take it one day at a time and I should really do other things too. The problem I have also is that I don't want to drink because I'm disgusted by it now so going out for drinks with my own friends makes me feel uncomfortable. But one day at a time!
The hardest part to cope with with this disease in my experience is the unpredictability. Not knowing what you are going to find. A drunk person or pleasant sober one. I found it very tense and exhausting. Yes, I have the tools to deal with whatever comes up, but its the inconsistency that I find hard. The A home I grew up in was exactly that way too.
KT - Thank you so much for your honest share. I was out of town with my AH, visiting my parents or I too would have had the same feeling in the pit of my stomach concerning Friday. My AH Is retired and he has no job to show up for during the week, but he has picked up on the fact that when he parties all week long I cannot sleep due to his all night activities, and he has been trying to control himself during the week and only drink heavily on the weekends. This mean, often, he has started the party early in the day on Friday. At least one weekend a month I pick up our 5 year old grandson from school on Friday and bring him home with me and 9 times out of 10 he is already intoxicated. Those weekends my grandson is a distraction for me and we find things to do that don't revolve around managing or observing the AH's drinking. But on the other 3 weekends a month it is a crap shoot as to what I will come home to and how the evening will go. I find often he is passed out early in the evening and I just avoid him until then and once he is out I do what I want. He usually resurfaces at some point and there is this uncomfortable dance we do where he acts hurt that I am not showering with attention and I just keep my distance. I really hate it and it feels so dysfunctional.
I guess the not knowing what will be at home is the worst part so I find myself expecting the worst so I can be surprised if it is not that way?? Boy, even typing that out sounds bad!!
Know that you are understood. It is an exhausting ride sometimes. I find encouragement in your post because I too can find other things to do. We always have choices.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Before I retired last year, I remember that feeling of dread every single day on my way home from work. I would talk with my AH around 10:30 a.m. during my break, and he was kind and loving and sweet and thoughtful about whatever our short conversation was about. While it was still morning. While he was still sucking on his coffee. On my drive home, I would start to dread whatever mood I was going to walk in to when I got home......because more times than not, he had made a complete about-face in those hours between the phone call and 4:00ish. Oh, we had many arguments about it! I would throw in his face his Jekyll / Hyde personality and of course, he would deny it.
Once I started using the al-anon tools more consistently, the dread lifted. I would just plan on his mood being different....therefore having no expectations to feel disappointed about. I started making plans in my mind for Plan B and C so I could easily detach. It was very easy when he was napping or close to napping when I got home.....gave me some breathing room.
The thing is......it is the reality at our house. I choose to stay......so......I choose to make Plans B and C. I also try to be as grateful as possible for what is good and positive about my life. As has been brought up in previous posts, everyone has SOMETHING to deal with in life. Alcoholism sure is ugly and tough.....but who every guaranteed me a life without challenge? This happens to be my challenge....and I am glad I am not on the other side of the coin.
I am now working very hard on trying not to dread social events. I give it up to my HP and try to stop my obsessive, thinking in the future thinking! It has helped me a great deal, but as an al-anon member once told me, "maybe you just aren't going to be able to do all the things you would like to. Maybe you have to go alone. Maybe you have to plan things for earlier in the day. Maybe you have to decline something that is a set-up for disaster".
I totally understand you and others' comments here, KT. Glad it turned out to be a good Friday......we have to savor what is good. Thanks for your post and share!
I've been really irritated by my AH this past week. I honestly can't tell if it's him being more obnoxious or me being more iritable and unreasonable. Whatever is going on I lost it this morning. I got really frustrated with him and told him off and now he's spending the morning by himself even after I apologized for my part. And as soon as he left the house I felt relief. I think this is progress for me in a way because i used to feel guilty and desperate to fix the problem and force us to spend every moment together until it was resolved. But today i didnt feel that way and I realize I think I needed some space. Something inside me said quietly to just let him go. And i did. I've never been good at recognizing my need for space since I've always been so enmeshed with everyone so not only am I terrible at recognizing my need for space but I can't seem to ask for it either. I can see this is an area I need to build some skills in a bit. I found myself irritated the last few days and getting back to some old ways of functioning that I don't like. Maybe that was a sign I needed some space. I feel very smothered and controlled by my ah. I struggle with asking for and enforcing space. The only way I knew before how to get space was to stay up late after he went to bed and that messed with my sleep. The last couple of nights I've done that and it's really hurting me with the loss of sleep. Every conversation with him is difficult and frustrating. It's hard for us to even talk together right now. And quite honestly i dont know who it is making it that way him? Me? Both of us? But that doesn't matter it may never be clear and its not my job to sort it out. So why force it if it's not working? Why not have some space? Next time I will try to get some space in a kinder way that doesn't involve picking a fight and blowing up. I can see how I did that to push him away when I find his moods difficult to deal with. Next time I will step away more politely.
(((Hugs))) KT - I'm with Betty ... and the 3 A's came to mind - Awareness, Acceptance & Action. You got this!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
