I have been with my husband for 10 years.  We have lived together 5 years and have been married for less than 2.  I have been living in a deep hole of denial for a very long time - to the point where I isolated myself, pushed others away and was unable to feel anything at all - just empty.  Very heavy drinker, very angry at the world when he's not drinking, very nice when he is drinking.   I was really zoned out and unhappy and contemplating leaving for the past 6 months or so.  I finally "woke up" when I found that he had attempted to cheat on me (apparently she wasn't interested, which is one thing he told me that I actually do believe).  In any case, that is something I never thought he would do and that made me realize how far gone this relationship truly is.  I take responsibility for my part in that - I was checked out.  When I found out I told him that I wanted to split up.  A couple of days later I listened to my fear again (very bad habit of mine...) and we agreed to try and work it out.  I made a commitment (to myself) to work on my issues, but I realize that he is not capable of meeting me halfway, even knowing that our relationship hinges on things changing.  I have not been blaming him or giving him much reason to believe that he has a part to play in this - trying to focus on myself to a fault I suppose.  He seems to think since I want to work it out that there is nothing for him to do to make it work.  For the past couple of weeks, I have been going to 3 meetings a week. My emotions have been all over the place.  I go through periods of feeling calm, feeling as if everything is going to work out and then feelings of intense anxiety, believing that I am lying to myself again by believing this will work.  He is incredibly selfish and really not capable of admitting wrong and constantly blaming everything outside of himself for his problems.  That is just a fact, not an attempt to put the blame outside of myself.  I just recently learned what the term "gaslighting" means.  Wow!  You mean there's an actual term for why I was feeling so crazy?  That immediately made me feel less crazy.  Again, I take full responsibility for my part in this relationship.  I chose to ignore red flags and deny that this wasn't a good idea because I let fear drive me.  My problem right now is that now that I am no longer in denial I am feeling many emotions and sometimes all at once.  It's overwhelming.  I have long been aware of the language of twelve step programs.  I just never thought it would help me because I was too uncomfortable at and afraid to speak in meetings.  Recently I have talked a little bit at two meetings and the sky didn't fall so I am going to work through my fear of talking in a group.  It's that pesky fear trying to drive me again and I am really getting tired of allowing it to run my life.  I am going to a meeting tonight and I hope that I can talk (coherently) about where I am at right now and what I feel. 

The logistics of this is what is really getting me.  I make about 4x as much as he does (and I am not rich) and he will be in a really bad place financially without me (which, sadly, is I think why he wants to work it out to begin with).  If I had enough money I would just find a place on my own and then let him know I was leaving in 30 days and then let him know that I will still pay my share of the rent for another 60 days.  That would be an ideal scenario.  That would give him time to find a place with the least amount of pressure.  Any other scenario scares me.  We originally were going to stay until the end of the lease in June.  That's a long time to be together knowing that you will be splitting up.  I wouldn't feel safe knowing that he would be doing everything he could to take care of himself and probably seeing me as the reason he has to be in such a bad place.  He would most likely be vindictive and not nice to be around.  But still, I want to do the right thing - knowing that the right thing by me is not 1st on his list of priorities.  Is that co-dependent or am I just a decent person or am I fooling myself?  I want to end this amicably but logistically, I don't know what that looks like.  I don't want to put myself into a situation where I am less emotionally safe than I am now. He can be VERY angry (though not physically abusive) and I would be the object.  I wonder if anyone else has anything to share about being in a similar situation and what they did to remove themselves.  I am basically on my own in this.  When I checked out and isolated I also pushed the few friends I did have away.  

I know that I shouldn't/don't have to make any major decisions right away but this has been a long time coming and I know in my heart that it will be the best thing for me in the long run.  I think my anxiety is based on finally "knowing" what is true, being no longer willing to deny it/myself.  Deep breath.

Slogans that are helpful right now:   Easy does it  |  One day at a time  |  First things first 

Thanks for reading/"listening"

(having written the above, I realize I should probably start a journal since it was really helpful to organize my thoughts as cohesively as possible