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Saturday night last, now-definitely-ex-abf turned up at my house extremely drunk and falling over. I told him to leave so he went away and came back crying. I made him give me his keys to my house (big relief; that was troubling me) and told him he was not coming in and he was not welcome to be anywhere near me when he is drunk and that we are not together any more and he needs to leave. And he stood there looking crushed and sad and crying and he fell over 4-5 times just between my front gate and my front door; he was an absolute mess.
And it hurt sending him away when he was so upset and some messed up part of me just wanted to put him to bed and lie down next to him and pretend things were OK (with maybe an ipod to drown out the snoring) but we're past that now).
Later I saw messages from him that were pretty sad heart-achey kind of stuff (you know, the stuff you wish they'd said when you were together instead of all of the horrible crap they did say). Then my screen was filled up with 8's indicating that he had a seizure and landed on his keyboard so even though I sent him home I still ended up awake ad worrying all night. Sometimes I swear there's no escaping it.
Sunday night I went out with daughter to a comedy show and managed not to think about it for 2 hours but aside from that I've been pretty sad, worried about how broken up he seems and generally feeling miserable.
And then....and then......he called me-he has stuff at my house and I thought it would be about coming to get that- but no, instead he says "I F'd up" and he repeated it and I thought he was going to say he'd been busted drink driving or punched his brother or something but instead he says "I wasted all of my money getting to your house and now I don't have enough to get to work tomorrow". In an accusing tone. "So I guess I'll have to pawn something".
Good talk.
Oh GOD the relief I felt, at the freedom from this ridiculous story I had made up in my mind (yet again) where MY actions and efforts at self preservation and self love are the cause of untold misery and woe for another person.
He wasn't going to die of rejection or a broken heart or any of that because I have finally had enough and ended things. He was grumpy that he had spent all of his money and probably desperate for smokes and booze. And yet again I spent days beating myself up over this terrible pain and woe I had caused.
When will I learn this ridiculous lesson?
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 17th of October 2016 08:39:56 PM
MS.M. I do believe you are close to learning that lesson. Good work my friend. I know that it was difficult to hold your boundary but so glad that HP provided the courage you needed, not to martyr yourself . HP again provided you with the privilege of witnessing the aftermath of the "thinking" following the event. Positive thoughts on the way.
It was like that for me for a long time. I'd be done. Then my resolve would abate when he plucked the right string. Sometimes I think I went back on my own. ick Then I got to re-live all the nonsense of "the horrible crap", as you say.
Good for you for speaking clearly and acting in a manner consistent with your words. That comes from being aligned with your goals.
You resisted the momentary memory of how you used to behave. You honored what you have created in the past couple of years.
You felt the old feelings but most important of all, you stuck by the new(er) healthy decisions! That is enormous! You totally win this round of "Can I be sucked back into old misery?"
He was probably heading over to your place thinking he could get some money off you. Otherwise why would he spend his last money to get there?
You'd think anyone aiming to get some money, or even affection, from someone would know that the first rule is "Don't show up falling-down drunk." But of course the first rule of alcoholism is "Rules don't apply to me."
You are a champ. You didn't let those temporary feelings sway your decisions. Way to rock recovery!
Yeah, stinking thinking stinks, but -- facts not feelings -- what you actually *did* (vs what you thought and worried about) was super strong and detached!
Love your awareness here. Its like another layer of denial peeling away. I truly believed my ex was actually only alive because of me, seriously. I was special and vital to his survival. It sujts an active alcoholic to play the vulnerable and needy card and yet the reality is they are tough and always seem to land o their feet, especially when finding another mug to take on the carer job.x
Thank you for sharing I too am dealing with an ex ABF who is so manipulative. I don't really need to explain as I'm sure you know. Anyways just wanted to say your post give me stranger. I am not alone there are others fighting this fight and the fact that we can come together and comfort each other in just sharing our stories is so wonderful. I'm grateful to have it <3
Thanks for sharing msM. Sounds like you have learned ,your very strong ,I'm happy you got your keys back ,I know that's a relief just in its self.i relate to you on most everything,when will it end ? That a good ?,my xabf is running from the police on charges that's been put off for along time,I'm relieved I don't have to worry about seeing him at the neighbors anymore or looking out my window,today I got a call from a investigator wanting to supena me to court against my xabf on the charges I had took out of when he stole my credit cards and used my account ,no I don't wanna go to court,I'm tired of dealing with him ,I may not have to go investigator says they have enough evidence against him on that case,I know what you mean by is it ever gonna end,I'm taking all this as a very valuable lesson learned in not seeing the red flags in the very beginning,and my hp is showing me all that could and might have happened to me if I'd continued this relationship,this is where I'm so grateful for alanon and my 12 steps working,has really pulled me through a lot and still is lots of eye openers in this last year......hugs.....odat....lu
I truly believed my ex was actually only alive because of me, seriously. I was special and vital to his survival.
Yup. In my case it was all me -- they weren't acting vulnerable or needy at all; I just thought I could save them all by taking charge of everything. Shaking my head at myself, but gently. As a kid (only child) with two alcoholic parents (and a bunch of other alcoholic relatives), I really did feel like it was all up to me - and I really felt like I was the only thing holding it all together, so it's kind of understandable why I would transfer those survival skills to adulthood.
Dearest MissM ~ As I have told you before and I will say it again your posts always inspire me and give me food for thought. You are wise beyond your years and I have learned so much from you and your experience and knowledge. THANK YOU doesn't begin to sum up how much you have helped me....just know whenever I see a post from you or a reply I always look forward to reading it because I know I will learn something new and gain a different and positive outlook on whatever I may be dealing with in my life. You have been a Godsend for me!
. It sujts an active alcoholic to play the vulnerable and needy card and yet the reality is they are tough and always seem to land o their feet, especially when finding another mug to take on the carer job.x
Yes a hundred times over!
I see that now. This needy vulnerable behaviour used to reel me in like a fishing rod. It was like a magnet to me. This was my defect . I have corrected it, I am thankful to say.
Now, I see it as yucky and uncomfortable and a red flag to move away! And yes indeed is trying to reel in a carer to take on all their responsibility so they can drink, be a king baby, diva, victim or whatever floats their boat!
Saturday night last, now-definitely-ex-abf turned up at my house extremely drunk and falling over. I told him to leave so he went away and came back crying. I made him give me his keys to my house (big relief; that was troubling me) and told him he was not coming in and he was not welcome to be anywhere near me when he is drunk and that we are not together any more and he needs to leave. And he stood there looking crushed and sad and crying and he fell over 4-5 times just between my front gate and my front door; he was an absolute mess.
And it hurt sending him away when he was so upset and some messed up part of me just wanted to put him to bed and lie down next to him and pretend things were OK (with maybe an ipod to drown out the snoring) but we're past that now).
Later I saw messages from him that were pretty sad heart-achey kind of stuff (you know, the stuff you wish they'd said when you were together instead of all of the horrible crap they did say). Then my screen was filled up with 8's indicating that he had a seizure and landed on his keyboard so even though I sent him home I still ended up awake ad worrying all night. Sometimes I swear there's no escaping it.
Sunday night I went out with daughter to a comedy show and managed not to think about it for 2 hours but aside from that I've been pretty sad, worried about how broken up he seems and generally feeling miserable.
And then....and then......he called me-he has stuff at my house and I thought it would be about coming to get that- but no, instead he says "I F'd up" and he repeated it and I thought he was going to say he'd been busted drink driving or punched his brother or something but instead he says "I wasted all of my money getting to your house and now I don't have enough to get to work tomorrow". In an accusing tone. "So I guess I'll have to pawn something".
Good talk.
Oh GOD the relief I felt, at the freedom from this ridiculous story I had made up in my mind (yet again) where MY actions and efforts at self preservation and self love are the cause of untold misery and woe for another person.
He wasn't going to die of rejection or a broken heart or any of that because I have finally had enough and ended things. He was grumpy that he had spent all of his money and probably desperate for smokes and booze. And yet again I spent days beating myself up over this terrible pain and woe I had caused.
When will I learn this ridiculous lesson?
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 17th of October 2016 08:39:56 PM
MissM,
Having been in those exact same shoes, I applaud you. It must have taken incredible strength from you to get to that point where you just knew you had to let him go, and send him on his way. Especially after the text messages. I myself.... crumbled. I gave in to the texts. I was able to steer clear for 7 days, and I gave in. I let him back. I still have a ways to go, but I am in a program to help me, with me. I hope you can soon find your happiness without feeling "pretty sad, worried about how broken up he seems and generally feeling miserable".
I understand it's still a struggle, but you are definitely heading in the right direction. Happy Wednesday!
