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I've been working through step three with my sponsor and she reminded me of the concept of the God box. I had been avoiding it before because I didn't think it would help but I have found lately that I have been so obsessed with my AH's drinking and the future of our relationship that I decided I was going to try it. So I created one and put my AH's drinking in it to hand it over to God. Then I also put the future of our relationship in it and handed that over to God too. It helped. I felt like I started to take my hands off my Ah's drinking a lot. Then yesterday my AH started talking about how much weight he has gained from drinking beer. And I didn't say a word just listened. He asked me what I thought he should do and I didn't tell him which is a miracle in itself. I told him that I am sure he will figure out what to do. He told me he is going to switch from drinking beer to gin. I bit my tongue so hard I almost drew blood. THen he asked me what I thought of that. The only thing I said was "so just to clarify you plan to try to stop drinking beer by switching to hard liquor?" Yeah that does sound kind of bad but....blah blah blah all about not getting a beer belly that way etc etc. THen he said "you can just tell me if I get too obnoxious drinking gin". It felt like he just tied a rope to his waist then the other end to mine and said "I'm going to jump off this cliff you tell me if it's too much to hold once I'm down there". I told him that his drinking was his responsibility and that he doesn't tend to be so open to my feedback about it so I don't see that working. He didn't hear any of it. And so now I feel like I am right back there paniced about his drinking and what new horror I am in for when he starts to drink gin....if he starts to drink gin. I know I need to detach. I know I need to hand this over to my HP too. It just sparked so much fear in me it's hard to even register.
I went to my meeting last night and it was a really good one but when I came home the front door was open (screen door closed) and my AH was sound asleep and my daughter was sound asleep too. The dog was there thankfully since he didn't shut or lock the door. He told me he was done drinking for the night when I was leaving and I know better than to believe that but I opened the bedroom door and the room stunk of booze, he was snoring loudly, he didn't even wake much when I came in and he just looked so sad. And all I felt was sadness. I hate this disease so much. I hate it and hate what it is doing to my AH whom I do happen to love deeply. I have gone back and for the between being overly attached or so detached I don't care. But detaching with love is the most heartbreaking for me because I just have to stand by and watch the disease take down someone I honestly and truly love. And I am completely powerless over it. I know there is nothing I can do for him. Nothing! So I am going to focus on myself. focus my efforts towards being healthier and stronger myself. Focus my efforts on being a good mom to my daughter. I'm going to say a prayer for him and hand him over to God because I can do nothing and I have to trust him and his HP to sort it out. I need help from my HP to sort my stuff out.
What I hear is you getting inundated with alcoholic insanity and using your HPs grace to handle this as best you can. This is really good alanon work. I don't think I could show as much use of tools as you described here. Amazing. I am sorry you are facing this, but what YOU are doing and how you are responding is truly inspiring.
KT, thank you for your honest share. This disease is horrible and it is exhausting. I know your pain, frustration anger and confusion. I applaud the way you worked the program and stayed detached through all the senseless mental gymnastics the A's in our life perform. I feel very much in the same place as you. I too created a God Box and have put my marriage in the box. I want so badly for my marriage to survive this, but I also know what is destroying it and I know that I am the only one who admits there is a problem. I see my part in the problem, and I am willing to do my part, but it still won't work if he doesn't do his.
I hate this disease. I want the man I married 21 years ago to come back.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Ugh, it's an awful feeling when someone tries to hand-ball responsibility for their crazy behavior to us, isn't it? I cringe thinking of all of those long, long rants I had to listen to about how he would 'only drink 3 beers a night and a bottle of scotch on Saturdays and, and..and..and.." and how insane it made me feel that he wanted to involve me in it. Like somehow by telling me what his "controlled drinking" plan was, I was responsible for making sure it happened the way he said it would.
It progressed to "I'll give you my paycheck and you pay my bills and then buy me how much alcohol you think I should have and then you can be in charge of handing it out to me". Because that was always going to work...
And of course it's about us and how we handle ourselves but it's such a sinking feeling when you're trying so hard to hold everything together alone and then on top of everything else, our 'partner" tries to give us responsibility for their drinking as well. Just ugh.
"It felt like he just tied a rope to his waist then the other end to mine and said "I'm going to jump off this cliff you tell me if it's too much to hold once I'm down there". Yeah, wow. That brings back some memories, what a perfect analogy. I described it something like "We're going to head out to sea in this little wooden boat and I'm going to hack holes into the bottom of it and if you just keep bailing water fast enough, we should be right". And me nodding, and putting on my captain hat and bravely setting sail, lol.
Good on you for putting it in a God Box. I love those exercises and the power they have to transform our thinking. Someone here once suggested writing all of our woes on a piece of paper and then tearing them off one by one and throwing all of the ones we can't actually control into the bin; that works so well for me and I do it on a regular basis. It's usually all of them!
Thank you all for your responses. They were so helpful in reminding me I am not alone and that I am doing the best with a crazy situation. I like that exercise MissM I think I will try it.
(((KT2015))) - I am sorry for your pain. You are doing great working your program......I fully understand the sadness that comes with watching one you love self-destruct in front of you. That's how I felt too each time the disease raised up. I don't know if this will help with your God box concept and detaching but my sponsor makes me find 5 positive things about my qualifier when I focus on what's not good. I too always wanted to do my part in my marriage for it to survive and still do. Like all other program things, it's one day at a time.
So - each day, as part of my program effort, when I make a gratitude and asset list for me, I add him. No matter what tomorrow brings, he has brought love, joy and much more to my life. It helps me tremendously to focus on what is good about him when I am sad about the 'state of affairs'. I do ask God each day (more than once sometimes) to keep me focused on the gifts in my life, what is working and what direction is next. There are highs/lows - another great slogan....this too shall pass.
Know you are not alone and that you're also a Miracle in Progress!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
