The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have been divorced 9 years. It was ugly, but the last 5 years have been good. I consider him a friend and good dad, we have a son together with a medical issue. I was in a long term relationship that ended over a year ago. About 6 months ago the ex husband begins actively trying to get me back. He still drinks, I dont know about the drugs but I have my suspicions. He is a master manipulator, I learned this through my 8 year relationship with him. He didn't hide his partying, I was expected to put up with it, and the neglect and verbal abuse. He "seems" better, he is saying "all the right things", he is making amends. But he is not working a program. He's trying to make me think I need to do this for our son. I've agreed to consider it, but all it's doing is causing me constant stress and anxiety. Yes it would be ideal to have our family together, yes I could love him again, but is he being real? this would mean a move to another state, leaving all of my friends and family, job, home I own. I'll be putting myself in the same position I was when I was married to him... isolated from everyone I knew, no support system. I don't think I can do it. But will I regret not trying?
Hello Jaime Welcome, Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Before making any decision on this issue , I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Those are all great questions to ask yourself as a member of an alanon group. We already know our own answers, being allowed to speak them out loud without judgment or anybody telling us what to do is what happens in alanon. If you've never been I strongly suggest attending a f2f meeting or come to a couple here. There are two a day.
A couple of sayings that popped into my head when reading your post - "When in doubt, don't" and "Past behavior predicts future behavior".
Only you know what will be best for you and I'm sure if you can take some quiet moments alone with yourself to think about everything it will all come crystal clear to you in regards to what you need to do for yourself to maintain your sanity and have peace and serenity in your life.
Welcome to MIP Jamie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I fully understand the pull of doing something with the intent of 'best interest of the child'. I too understand more about the disease of Alcoholism than I did before I got to Al-Anon. I am convinced it saved my life and my sanity so am another advocating that you find local meetings and attend. Having support where you are and having a bit more understanding of the disease, the disease and how it affects us has been wonderfully awesome in my life, my joy and my decision-making.
We learn to put ourselves first and focus on what we need. Of course, when we have children we include them too - the goal of the program is to be the best version of us we can be. In working the steps, I found my peace and am able to continue in my marriage even though my husband is not in recovery. Others have chosen to leave, divorce, separate, etc. Only you can make the decision and Al-Anon will give you a safe place to learn and process without judgement or advice.
"Past behavior predicts future behavior" is not one I ever use or ever will......Just saying as I do believe people are capable of change and unlike "When in doubt, don't" it's not an Al-Anon slogan.
Keep coming back Jamie - there is help and hope in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It doesn't sound like anything has changed with him, except now he's actively trying to get you back. So I would expect that being with him would be just like it was before. Except that drinking progresses, so his drinking and drinking behavior will be worse. It's easier to hide it from people who don't live with you, so what it looks like from a distance (which you have now) does not reflect what it would look like from being in the same house. Also, it sounds like your child would be exposed to it close up 24/7 - that's painful and devastating for a child.
It sounds to me as though you knew what you were doing when you split up from your ex. I would trust that wisdom now.
Welcome to the board and the wonderful wisdom that is so prevalent here.
On reading your post, it is evident that you see your ex very clearly. His manipulation is already causing your stress- would that not escalate if you lived with him again. Being a mom, you want what is best for your child and having a father in the house sounds so good. But... I remember a friend of mine saying that it was such a relief for her and her sister when her mother finally left their AF. She had stayed with him for 'the girl's sake' and the girls were so happy when he was gone and the stress level eased in their house.
Keep coming back to the board and don't let anyone pressure you into making a choice and then isolating you and your child from your support group.
