Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

what's a regular relationship like??

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what a regular relationship is like, maybe no one does. Everybody has their issues, hot spots, isms; things that happen in the past affect the way we view the present. I am finding out I have bigger trust issues than I would have thought - every time he isn't where I think he is, or doesn't answer my text soon enough, my head immediately goes to - is he cheating? And that's unfair, my brain knows it, but my past catches me up and drags me back down into muddy negativity where I don't want to be. Taking things slow helps a lot, giving myself time to think about where my thoughts are trying to take me. Maybe I should view the red flags, like those things that send my trust issues flaring, as meant to be questioned and answered and resolved from within first.

For me in this relationship, the most valuable thing is the way we communicate - he doesn't negate my concerns, doesn't shut me down or put me down. Communication - I remember not being able to talk to my ex-ah anymore, first ex-H as well. Good communication allows you to speak up about an issue, discuss it and find a resolution to it.

1911A1 · Senior Member

It sounds pretty healthy to me. Here's a list I discerned from what you described:

- Respect for each other's boundaries and values
- Similarly, each of you maintains ownership of your own "stuff" without trying to own the other's...or give your own to the other (i.e., allowing each other the space to take care of daily life stuff, not trying to fix each other, etc.)
- Taking your time. I had always been one to rush, rush, rush out of my own insecurity, which was just another way I was a magnet for toxic people. I have now come to appreciate the wisdom of taking time, as it allows for the development of a really amazing...
- Friendship. I believe (and research has shown) that friendship is a crucial component of a successful long term relationship. It forms the foundation for so many other vital components: honest communication, trust, the ability to have fun together, etc. I had always wondered what people meant when they said they were in love with their best friend; now I understand and I am living the dream.

The progression from where we were to where we are is interesting, isn't it? I spent an inordinately large part of my life in a succession of toxic, soul-sucking relationships. I get into recovery and, as I stay with the program and keep coming back, I begin to learn how to take care of myself, come to accept what others had done to me, taken ownership of the fact that they did so with my permission (and sometimes with an engraved invitation!), decided that I deserved better, discovered this new superpower called BOUNDARIES, and began to attract different people into my life. After having lived so long with toxic relationships being the norm, being in a healthy relationship seems alien in many ways. I'm still amazed when I realize that I can actually trust Major Upgrade with my thoughts, feelings, and fears, and will not use them to manipulate and control me.

It takes time to get to that place, but it's quite an enjoyable and interesting journey of growth to get there. Enjoy every bit of it, even the parts that make you scared and squirm, because if you stay anchored in your program, you will experience some amazing growth.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Red flags are really just making sure he treats you with respect and has his own life in order. Have fun and let him show you he's worth it by treating you like he adores you and still managing his own life and affairs at the same time. That is making sure he is PICKING you rather than needing you. A person in that spot is more free to give of themselves fully. That goes both ways but I already know where you are at and all the work you've done on yourself.

LinSC · Senior Member

I think your smart enough and have worked a good program to know that right now you are both infatuated and are putting your best foot forward, enjoy! But you know that you and him are only human and have flaws and they will be revealed when reality sets in. Keep your feet on the ground and give it time. I may sound like a killjoy, but don't want you to get hurt as it will also effect the kids too in some way. Have fun dating. I don't see any red flags for now, but I think you will recognize them soon if they are there. Although it can be a true statement that "you don't know anyone till you've lived with them". Just some things to think about, take what you like and leave the rest.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I guess really no easy answer to this question. We all come to the program with our histories.

I can share a bit about my own journey through dating and a relationship.

In the beginning I was very fearful and needed to know all about the other person's past and shared my own with them at a very early stage of knowing the person. I guess I thought if I got all the info up front that safeguarded me from the element of some dysfunctional surprise later. Clearly... I had unhealthy boundaries and was attracting the same. I got hurt plus people I'd only known a very short time now knew more about me than even my sponsor at the time. I thought this meant myself and the guy were such great communicators, so evolved, we were so cued into one another. So early in the dating process do any of us really know if a new person is who they say? No. Lesson learned.

I found that it was much more fun and I could learn a lot about a guy by keeping things light and easy and actually getting together to go out and do something with one another. Sure dating can cost money but there are activities that don't cost anything too. Playing a sport for instance can offer clues as to how a person concerning winning/losing/good sportsmanship. I was able to find out quickly if my new friend was emotionally mature. Did they have a sense of humor? Could he risk to look silly and not become insecure about it? Basically, was he good with himself as a person and a man.

I also felt it was important to get a better sense of someone's value system if I was considering a future relationship with them. Casually speaking about things in the news to someone I was dating helped me to get to know them more. I was surprised to learn a guy's views about the rights of women after enjoying his company for a few months. He treated me wonderfully and we got along great. There looked to be potential for taking our friendship to the next level. His views about women were a deal breaker for me. I would not want to be with someone who would ultimately expect a compromise to my respect and dignity nor would I expect them to change. They have a right to their beliefs even if I don't share their beliefs. I was glad I'd learned this early in the dating process. We ended it and moved on.

If I was going to invite a guy into my life on a more personal level, it was important for me to have a man in my life who felt as I did that transitioning from dating to a relationship meant inviting one another to share in two already established lives that included friendships, family, work commitments and health and wellness priorities (Alanon etc.) With that said, I definitely wanted to be with someone who considered me to be a very special person in their life very much a priority as I did them. I learned from hard experience that it was a mistake to spend less and less time with my girlfriends to be with a guy, less time doing things for myself that I personally enjoyed and making a man my focus. Balance in all things. My now live-in boyfriend is not a jealous or clingy man. I think the relationship is healthier because we have our own interests, shared interests, both have male and female friends (trust) and express our wants and needs (no mind readers) to one another. There are also boundaries in place - personal boundaries, relationship boundaries, family boundaries. They're moveable of course but we're respectful to discuss and consider them with one another because we're a couple. We take our relationship one day at a time and build more into it according to our level of comfort.

Anyway... this is my "regular" relationship.

You know what has meaning for you and what you value in a partner. We're all different as are our needs and wants. Hope it continues to be joy for you to share one another's company. (((hugs))) TT

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure there really is a 'healthy' label for relationships. We all come to each other with baggage, etc as had been said above. I think PInkchip summed up what I was thinking.

As LinSC also said, "You don't know anyone until you've lived with them...." I have to admit that I knew what I was getting with my man before we moved in together because we spent A LOT of time together. Sure, there were things that came up but nothing was a surprise. He was consistent, if anything, and the same things that annoyed me when we lived separately were the same things I got annoyed about once we lived together. I also found that the things I loved about him were the same things I love about him today.

Acceptance was something i really had to work on, though, once the dating went past the early infatuation phase and we both showed our real selves. I had to really learn how expectations played into my life and how important it was to find acceptance both for myself, and for him.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me the solutions are not about "thems", who ever they happen to be or become. I learned in sponsorship that the consequences of my life were a result of my own thoughts feeling and behaviors and I had to own them. My program is about living my life as very best I can and in agreement with my Higher Power which at times is not in agreement with my human relationships no matter who they are. I've had many human relationships and am in one at the moment. This one has lasted longer than the ones before it which means there is more peace of mind and serenity and actual loved as I've learned in recovery. I know it is not all about me and that my wife does her part and has her own consequences. I am still not perfect and in progress only. This is a regular relationship; two people involved as best as they can be even when best isn't good enough at times. We are humans and we are not perfect and we often bring our faults and weaknesses forward with us not being mindful that we are doing that. That is why the program works for us...it keeps us awake and alert and mindful of the need always for a power greater than ourselves. I am a better person because of that higher power and our program ...that is our regular relationship...fair, honest and just. ((((hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, all I know is that in the past, I tended to be an all/nothing person. I was not good at picking good people because my picker was broken. My picker was broken because of this disease and my lack of maturity. I am hopefully a bit more skilled should I ever reenter the dating world....

Having said this - I am one who believes that those who came before us were wisest. Marriages lasted a lot longer back in the day when folks took it slow and kept the physical element out of the getting to know you stage. I am easily intrigued by intelligent, good-looking, seemingly successful men. However, I have found as I've aged that money, title, prestige, etc. are not what makes one successful. It's about personal integrity, honor, humility, humor and heart.

I like to think I am strong, intelligent and a good reader of people. Having said that, there is something that happens to my smarts and my logic when a 'candidate' pays attention to me. I am a very private person. I also have diseased children. Because of all that they've been through as well as myself, I do not introduce them to any new friends until I am certain they will be a fixture in my life - this includes my girl friends, program friends, etc. I am very protective of my privacy and theirs so never share personal elements of their life or mine until I am certain they will be a fixture.

My best suggestion is go slow. You have spent a great deal of time in a relationship that you've left not so long ago. Protect yourself and your children. Most of my friends who opted to divorce with children under age kept men out of the children's life until 16 and older. They wanted to give their children ample time to heal from the divorce. I can honestly say that I respect them for putting themselves and their children first - easier said than done when you are used to companionship and a partner.

Lastly, it may just be my age/stage but I will not ever allow another to keep me up past my desired bedtime. I have come to know that my serenity is proportionate to my spiritual existence which is relative to my self-care. A huge element of my life that I missed out on is me-time and quality sleep. So - I don't speak to anyone other than my parents & children past 10pm. That's my boundary and I'll never given that up again. Of course my spouse is an exception. I don't take sponsee calls after 10, softball, golf, friends, cousins, etc. So - I would not change this boundary for a new relationship. Only you can determine the difference between lust, love, interest and infatuation. Those to me are the 4 areas I used in dating to classify potential 'candidates'.

Good luck - you're in recovery and have great tools at your disposal - use everything necessary to take care of you and your needs/wants!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Serenity)) it sounds as if you are paying attention and using your tools. Keep on living one conversation, one day at a time. My current relationship of over 30 years started out slowly as we saw each other for coffee or a dinner for over a year before we attempted to have a movie or opera date. The physical came even later.

Taking it slow was worth it. Positive thoughts on the way.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey lady. Nice news, companionship sounds lovely. I like what PC said. Red flags for me are when things arise and I make excuses for them. Regular to me is a set of things I tolerate and don't. None of which I have ever successfully applied in the flush of newness so this is just hindsight. Enjoy the moments. Day at a time etc. Xx

jojo8466 · Senior Member

Iamhere wrote:

I am one who believes that those who came before us were wisest. Marriages lasted a lot longer back in the day when folks took it slow and kept the physical element out of the getting to know you stage.

I would like to add my perspective to why marriages use to last so much longer back in the day - I think when you look back to the 1950's and earlier and even some of the marriages that happened in the 1960's it was the husband that was the one who went to work everyday and the wife stayed home and raised the kids. I'm not saying this is right or wrong - it was how things were at the time - how society lived. But with the ability to live like that men were not interacting with other women out in the work force and women weren't interacting with other men. The men went to work and worked with men. The women visited with other stay at home mom's, attended PTA meetings, played bridge club etc. The temptations from the opposite sex weren't there. The husbands came home after a day at work and the wives were there waiting with a home cooked meal and children that the mother had doted on all day. I know not all marriages were like this but the majority of them were and I believe this was a reason for the lower divorce rate during those times. Just my opinion and just a thought to ponder.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

My point was not about the social aspects - it was about the courting aspects. People in relationships took longer to get to know each other, and got to know each other before they jumped in the sack. When you find the right person, it won't matter if they are exposed to others - they will be committed to you. You can't know another person fully without time and exposure....

That was my point - current relationships go from meeting to ?? in record time. I am a huge supporter of the journey not the destination.

(((Hugs))) to all!

jitsuka · Senior Member

I wish I knew what a normal relationship was, I look back at my life and remember bits here and there , but looking at my own situation I don't see any of it. I feel quite trapped and depressed.

Hope things go OK for you SerenityRUS

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

A regular relationship for me is surprising most of the time. I get surprised at being respected and valued. I'm constantly surprised to be honest at the regular things that I imagine others would expect or take for granted. Being listened too without criticisco or sarcasm or snide comments. I'm like wow amazing. Lol. Having a man that seems to adore me and shows it in so many ways. It's great. I'm not a take it slow kind of person when it comes to some things but I'm still a bit wounded and so can't do the whole commitment moving in thing just yet. He wants that but he wants me to be ready. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the freedom I have living alone. I've loved getting to know the solo me just me as an individual. It's been the best time of my life. I'm trying to be guided by my higher power more and more these days. Thanks for sharing I'm really happy for you and all is who have got the courage to get back on the horse again so to speak. Be open to all aspects of life and to let love in again. It is amaking. X

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for sharing serenity,and I can so relate to el-cee post ,elcee you just put it all in words for me your whole post thank you,I'm single also,suppose to be meeting someone soon,I'm already getting cold feet and haven't even met this person yet,lol.its scary.so this tells me and other things just like elcee post describes as not being ready for commitment yet enjoying this being solo for the very 1 set time in my life.its only to be a meet as a Freind meet I'm being introduced by a long time church Freind of mine he is her son,so I've agreed to meet him only.i find myself obsessing about it all now .i do find it flattering though that someone decent really wants to meet me,wow I find that amazing also,lol,still it hasn't happened as of yet.so I can and should rest from it all....this is a great thread,I love it,so much insight on relationships,.eye openers.......I love you all to the moon and back...hugs lu
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Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

I can also relate to el-cee's post. Being in a "normal" relationship now after being in hell with my AH for the last five years of our 30 year-old marriage seems so surreal to me. Being in an exclusive relationship with a man who listens to me, respects me, honors me and cares about me deeply, and sincerely, is a true blessing. I'm having issues, like el-cee shared, with not wanting to let go of my freedom and alone time. I've worked hard these past five years to finally find my serenity and to love myself again for who I am. So the thought of moving in with someone or getting married is just not on my radar right how. For now, I'm living in the present and just living the life that my HP has set before me. It's an amazing journey so far, and I'm so glad that I did not rush into dating until I was truly ready and open to it. Having a caring partner (who does not like to drink, by the way) is like finding a desert oasis after being without water for a long time!

Hugs,

GE

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a lot that has transpired over the last two weeks. I'm just trying to take it all in and relax. Which is hard to do sometimes. Things aren't totally in order however there is a plan and he's working towards that plan. I like the fact that he is goal oriented. I like the fact he knows what he wants. There is a lot I like. The kids also like him a great deal. We are going to work in more family time. They like how he treats me. They like how he talks to them. They like a great deal that he has enjoyed the time they were together doing very normal things like giving pointers when we went bowling. My daughter has declared that since her dad wishes to be a child support only parent .. She wants this man there because he wants to be .. He doesn't have to be he wants to be there. It's sad to me. There is a whole lot more I will post later .. I need some prayers of guidance. Lots of great changes coming. I think we are going to finally get on our feet!!!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Serenity))) - always good to see you and you know I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Keep breathing - one moment and one day at a time! You got this!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You know the slogans and the principles of our program and how to let go and let God...Now?? just do it and repeat over and over again. It becomes regular or normal. ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good news Serenity Positive thooughts on the way.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

It works when you work it : )

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene