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I come back after a long summer. We had some good times, we had some bad times, and some eh times. My AH has been on and off sober since February. He believes in therapeutic relapses. What ever that means.....
After much drama he admitted to our pastor and myself that he cant do AA because it makes him co dependent on the other members. We had what I thought was a 10 week run of sobriety obviously I was wrong. He lost his job a month ago because he used someones credit card to replenish the petty cash that he was tapping into for drinking money because I was watching the accounts and the credit cards. He crashed his truck (not drunk) but cant get another one because of his credit score. He lied about an anniversary present for me and actually spent the money he says he used to buy the gift (although its not here and he cannot "get a hold of the guy" he supposedly bought it from) to pay his fines in another state. He faces an indictment for altering his drivers license. He came home obviously drunk one day and crashed his motorcycle. The same motorcycle he said he would never drive drunk. He denies all of this.
So, instead of getting angry and bitter and JUDGEMENTAL I refuse to enter another conversation about this. He is lying. I am putting it here, at least I get to say my piece.
The Bottom line is I am angry and hurt that he lies to me. I blame him for putting us in the financial position we are in right now. No income for over a month from him. I blame him for constant manipulation of me. I despise the denial that he is drinking. I blame him for the supposed $350 he spent on the anniversary present...we could sure use that money right now. Every part of me wants to stand over him and demand the truth and tell him what a piece of crap he is and how much I hate his alcoholism. BUT I WILL NOT
But I also will not pay any of his bills. I will not ask any more questions. I will not be his only support system any more.
I do not have a plan for this yet. I do not know how I am going to react the next time he has one of his "therapeutic relapses" but I have to work on that. Its time for a different approach. Ive had no success with being loving and supportive and compassionate. I am not his mother.
He's getting the proper consequences of his disease and it's those consequences without a comfortable recovery place and enablers that giv8 him the best chance of reaching out for real help. What about you though? Have you reached out for your own recovery yet? It got me free of the misery I was feeling living with an active drinker.
Thank you el-cee Ive been here since he got out of rehab in February I did face to face meetings during the summer but now its back to school for the kids so I am back on here. I regularly see my pastor. AH has recently reunited with his mother an RA with 30 years of sobriety. I spoke with her as she is both AA and Alanon She sent me back here. Obviously my compassion and empathy has been enabling him.
((Suzann)) Welcome back Thanks for having the courage to share with such honesty. Detaching from this insanity is the best response, while you regain your footing and establish the principels that you want to embrace.
I did smile about :" therapeutic relapses" and the fear of being "co dependent" at AA meetings. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Thank you hotrod. Its good to be back. I am so struggling with detachment. Its so hard when its your husband, you were supposed to be partners. I am taught at church forgiveness, kindness and compassion. Detachment seems so judgmental to me. So unnatural. But yet blaming him is also judgmental. Obviously though I need to because what I am doing is so not working. How can a relapse be therapeutic? He has stated that he much rather me be co dependent on him than him be co dependent. Its starting to sink in .....I just don't know how to do it!
Hi Suzann, I found that being "detached" was really a non judgmental action whereby i stayed in my own life and hula hoop and let others handle their own responsibilities. I know that a marriage is a partnership and that there are shared responsibilities and that this is where it gets sticky.
My husband handled our finances in the same manner as your husband so that I was constantly fearful of financial ruin.
I trusted the process, returned to work and amazingly enough it all worked out. The 11th Step" praying only for knowledge of HP's will and the power to carry it out" was my most powerful tool.
Keep on keeping on . Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
(((Suzann))) - I too am glad to see you back - so sorry that the disease is active and progressing in your qualifier. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers. My best suggestion - I am a creature of habit. For me, daily efforts applied to my program keep me far more grounded in balanced responses, detaching and adhering to my boundaries. I am one who when I change things up, I'm far more likely to react, project, blow-up, isolate.
One day at a time is all we work with and just for today, you are where you need to be! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both. I find it so much easier with my son. He doesn't live here anymore since he got out of rehab in July. With him I am able to stay out of his business but say don't come here drunk or high. With my AH, its so hard. I don't know where my boundaries are anymore. I know if he is indicted and prosecuted he will go to jail. Because of the marriage I now have more bills than before so it will be hard. If he is just sentenced to a loss of license I know he will continue to drive and then there will be more fines and legal fees. I have to stop the madness. I say if you drink don't come home, he just pretends he didn't. I know though. I know the difference. His denial that his drinking has caused all of this is so frustrating, but its also my stupidity for thinking things were going to change. Well, if I just pay this last fine -we will live happily ever after. Hah. Interestingly, I ran into an old friend today who happens to be a Family counselor for a faith based program. She told me that God is working my husbands recovery through me and if my A continues to not surrender God will let him face his consequences. I have to make sure I and my children are out of the way. If that didn't scare the bejeezus out of me!!!!! I just feel so manipulated by him. He played on my emotions because he needs me to be co dependent and he wants me to be co dependent. Monday, he was supposed to be out job hunting, he came home half lit, but I was crazy to think he was drinking. I gave him $20 to fill up my car and my car came home on dead E and he's half lit.....hmmmm do I have stupid on my face? I have to get off this freight train. For today, I took the step of just moving his bills to the side of my desk. I opened mine.
(((Fooled))) - small steps one day at a time - the processing is good and I'm sorry you're having so much chaos right now. I 100% agree it is easier when they don't live with you...You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I found stepping aside and not helping out really difficult and counterintuitive. It helped me to think of detachment as a gift of respect, along the lines of 'your life, your choices, I'm sorry I can't help you with those things right now.'
Its funny when I start the move towards detachment, not discussing his disease, the consequences of his disease, he becomes like a child who has been punished. Tip toeing around me and looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes. That drives me crazy. Yesterday morning he said to me why am I being so hard on him he has done nothing wrong. I almost lost it. Nothing wrong? Then he said, I am the reason he drinks. I make him feel like he is worthless and he's done something wrong. I may have done the wrong thing but I said I am sorry if you feel that way, but you drink because you are an alcoholic. Not because of me. Now theres a big elephant in the room.
(((Suzann))) - sending you positive thoughts, huge hugs and prayers. It's not easy being with one who is controlled by a substance - be gentle with yourself!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He's getting the proper consequences of his disease and it's those consequences without a comfortable recovery place and enablers that giv8 him the best chance of reaching out for real help. What about you though? Have you reached out for your own recovery yet? It got me free of the misery I was feeling living with an active drinker.
I love your words of "he's getting the proper consequences of his disease" - I am keeping that at the forefront of my mind. It was their choice to drink, to not work the program, to fall into the throws of alcoholism again. Now they can live with the consequences of their decisions. THANKS SO MUCH for this insight!
You came back to the right place and so here you are...back home. I had to laugh at much of what you said because my deceased sponsor was laughing over my shoulder because I use to do the same things myself in full denial thinking "I would win...I WOULD WIN" and of course I NEVER did. Like you I needed the fellowship and so I came home to Al-Anon and learned how to respond rather than react...there is a difference which includes the time and ability to think before I do something rather than just doing something.
Read your post as if you were someone else and see if you come up with other thoughts, feelings and actions. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
Funny, in the middle of his second therapeutic relapse he told our pastor that is why he relapses so I "wouldn't win" I am in such a state of depression right now. I don't know if I am more mad at him for destroying us financially or myself to allow it to happen. In taking alcohol out of the equation, would I tolerate this behavior....No But the thing is when he is sober he is a great guy...funny, smart, sensitive, loving and kind. When he drinks he is the polar opposite. He laments over the way he was treated as a child is bitter and angry...so why would you want to do that? Then is so judgmental with my son who does the same thing. Last night we had a little talk, he promised he would get sober this time and stay sober...I just looked at him and said "I don't even care anymore" He looked shocked, and I reaffirmed that statement. Because I don't. Hes going to do what hes going to do until he wants to be sober. I just have to protect myself from the lies, the financial ruin, and all the yuck that goes with loving an alcoholic.
I can identify Suzann My hubby did the same- He did not want me to "win" so he drank on purpose and refused to go to AA. He finally reached a bottom and reached for recovery
Its funny when I start the move towards detachment, not discussing his disease, the consequences of his disease, he becomes like a child who has been punished. Tip toeing around me and looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes. That drives me crazy. Yesterday morning he said to me why am I being so hard on him he has done nothing wrong. I almost lost it. Nothing wrong? Then he said, I am the reason he drinks. I make him feel like he is worthless and he's done something wrong. I may have done the wrong thing but I said I am sorry if you feel that way, but you drink because you are an alcoholic. Not because of me. Now theres a big elephant in the room.
Don't you just love it when the A blames you for his drinking?? Mine is like a child.....If I react to his drinking, he will drink more to "show me" that it is my fault that he drinks. Mine also asks me all the time if I am mad at him when he drinks. How in the hell do you answer that? Of course I am mad but I can't say that because he will get pissed off and drink even more. Just like when yours says or acts like he has done nothing wrong. To react causes more trouble but I don't want him to think I am okay with it.
Hope you keep checking in and reading posts.....it helps.
I have to say yesterday I broke down. I went out to mow the lawn just to get the frustration out. My "Recovering" son (I use the term recovering loosely because idk if he is clean or not..but he wasn't drunk or high) stopped by and saw me struggling with the gas cap. He helped me and I started to pull the cord to start it and he showed me how he got the key for the electric start to work. I was grateful he got it to work, but I started to grieve for my husband. I asked him to fix it, when I had to take over mowing the lawn when he was "too tired" from work and I bought into it but he really was starting the downward spiral into the disease. He said it was unfixable. Obviously the disease didn't make him care enough to try. I grieved for the realization that I enabled him. That I believed he wasn't drinking and praised him. The signs were there he was drinking and I chose to ignore them. I gave him the down payment for the truck and the bike, just to appease him so he wouldn't drink. Its also my fault we are in the financial shape we are in. I grieve for the conversations we once had. Now if I bring up anything related to his drinking and what it has cost us, the things he has done, the difference in him...I am living in the past. The conversations now are limited to the weather, him looking for a job, his father who just got out of rehab ( I limit my input into this) and the kids. We cannot set goals, plans for the future, any home improvement project, vacations, etc as I now know I am setting myself up for disappointment. Prior to this he said he had to go for a motorcycle ride because the Giants lost and he was depressed. He got on the bike and I was like oh great ...but I stopped myself from worrying. If he drinks he drinks, I cant stop it. I grieved for that too....trust. I let all the sorrow out as I beat up the grass with the lawnmower. God I need therapy. I cant say anything came out of the break down except more red and itchy eyes. I am thankful that he went to church and the topic was Ephesians 5..Do not get drunk with wine because that is debauchery.....
