The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is currently in a 30 day inpatient rehab. They wont let me talk to him or see him except for 1 family group session after his 22 day. Then tbe following week he gets out. I saw him in the parking lot yesterday talking with other women. He waved at me and i waved back. I am very fearful that he will meet someone in there that knows what he is going through and she is right there going through it too. Since he can't talk to me he may forget about me and be taken in by this other woman. My husband is the love of my life and i miss him terribly. We have not been apart like this woth no communication in over 11 years.
If someone did that to me 1. They would cease being the love of my life, 2. I would question why they where the love of my life if I thought they would cheat on me the minute they were apart from me, and 3. As much as it hurts to address, I'd get to the root of my own fears, neediness and insecurities. It will help his recovery if you are not addicted to him while he is trying to get sober. Try alanon meetings. Do you think your husband is afraid you will meet a guy there or in regular life that understands what you are going through? Probably not and he is the one that has probably put you though a bunch and is in rehab. I would not like to be away from my spouse that long, but there is a reason for it. If you are that afraid of him leaving you, my guess is you enabled his drinking to keep him close. Could be wrong, but use this time to work on yourself and your own fears.
On the more positive side, working in rehab, we kick people out for getting in relationships while in treatment. That might help you relax. In all likelihood, he is telling them how he can't live without you also.
Hello Holly Welcome I understand your concerns and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease causes us to become needy, unsure, confused and lost Alanon meetings will provide a support network to help break the isolation caused by living with the disease, and new tools to live by. Please keep coming back here as well . There is hope .
Ejskoolaide - welcome also from me to MIP. Glad that found us and glad that you shared.
My experience from rehab many moons ago is that everyone does get close. While some may have sexual motives, most are trying to get through the program - either for self, family, courts, etc. While there may be relations, as PinkChip points out, it's a cause for immediate dismissal.
I am also one who suggests you take the time to work on you. This disease affects well beyond the drinker and those who live with or love an alcoholic typically have affects from the living with the disease.
Take care of you and your own recovery and let him do his thing. Nothing you do, say or think will change what he does/does not do, so try to work on you while he's away!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sadly I feel same. Its obviously my insecurities that if he goes to AA he will meet someone who "understands" him better. But in the long run, if that happened then good luck to him because I am gone.
I'm new here too, Holly. Welcome! My only advice is to love yourself and know your own worthiness. I, too, tend to doubt my own inherent value and love-able-ness. I am learning that I cannot base that on someone else's "attention", but that it must come from within me. I can obsess relentlessly on all the things that are wrong with me and how someone else is more attractive to my husband, yada yada yada - but that always leads me down the road of self-hatred, and that is not a good place for me. I am good enough just the way I am, and so are you.
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"put yourself in the place where grace can flow to you." - robert lax
Hi Holly, I'm new here too. My husband is currently in a 30 day rehab program. Fortunately, we have been able to talk and receive family phone counseling. I brought up similar concerns in the counseling and we addressed that rebuilding trust will take time, probably lots of it. Please consider talking to someone about your own feelings and concerns. I spoke with a counselor for myself and we came up with a plan to help me cope with all the changes in life. You will get through this!
Welcome to MIP EGET2009 - glad to have you here and glad that you joined right in!
Keep coming back - MIP has been a great add to my program of recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Holly and EGET and welcome to the board...just some disease info...It is known and acknowledged that the greatest emotional character defect of this disease is fear, so if you are experiencing it justified or not you're being victimized by alcoholism. Both the alcoholic and the enabler are victimize by it usually with more restraint practiced by the enabler. Practice the suggestions about meetings, literature, sponsorship and more as those are our defenses against being taken down by the disease. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
I think this is w very common worry for us AlAnon candidates. I know it was for me (though RAH did not to residential). It doesn't really matter where they are...this is about trust, personal insecurity, and very real fear.
I hate to admit it now, but did feel good to admit it in a meeting. I was the most aggravating, obsessive, demanding, jealous, bitching, and angry wife ever. You know the statement "If I were married to her, I would have to be drinking/drunk too)! Well I was the her!!!
I literally worried that man and myself (and everyone who would listen to my rantings) nearly crazy. Why, because I was so darned insecure and so worried that the object of my obsession would no longer need/want me. Somehow, I finally burned out and decided divorce was the only answer....you know the "Ill divorce him before he dumps me because I can't handle the rejection idea".
It was a coping mechanism and a very, very bad one. A few months into his sobriety, my RAH told me he has to talk to me and wanted to make me some promises. I was skeptical to say the least (and I will really never know the entire truth...but I'm not certain I want to if I am truly honest). He promised that he had never "run around" on me and he never did. He even explained that he was so sick of being accused of it (even with hpjust my pointed jabs) that he wanted me to think he was running around, he wanted to hurt me as I hurt him with all of the accusingly. I really felt kind of stupid, but I knew he had been "gaslighting" and manipulating me to keep me frazzled so I would cling harder to him. It worked!!!!!
Now, with w great deal of work, I am very proud to say I don't let fleeting thoughts about fidelity grow into insanity anymore. I've made some mistakes along the way and later apologized for them. They were much, much less aggravating and aggressive and I can honestly say I have not had the need to check up or text or call incessantly, as I did before. And, ne no longer "baits" me into thinking things that will be of concern. It is w joint effort, that had changed my life for the better in ways I could not have imagined. He even shares conversations with other women on occasion, which would NEVER have happened before.
You can always trust your instincts and call it quits, or you can give it a wait and see attitude. More will be revealed and you never know what someone else is really thinking (or doing). He may have indeed been telling the other ladies how wonderful his wife is and how great youn are.i
