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I haven't posted in a long while, but I read and learn every day. I'm feeling really sad today. And also, confused.
I'm getting more and more confused about enabling. I moved out over a year ago, when I couldn't stand my AH's secret drinking, lying about it, and the ensuing verbal abuse. I'm still sad that our counselor suggested that he leave, to work on his sobriety, recovery and career, and leave the household to me -- but he wouldn't. He tells me all the time that he doesn't trust me. It is 2-fold. He is paranoid - and fears things that haven't happened, and aren't in my heart to happen. Such as me having an affair. It's like, if he fears it, it *must* be real, regardless of my reality. So, I think he is not trusting his image of me, not reality. But then, he also uses my actions when I try not to enable and to stick to my own boundaries as another reason not to trust me. For example, I told him if he kept doing the cycle of secret drinking/lying/abusive talk, I would move out. So I followed through, and moved out... and he uses actions like that as another reason not to trust me. I know it's all crazy, but (as you know) it sucks to be projected on, and blamed, and mistrusted.
Anyhow, about enabling. So, I moved out. And, when he continues to be verbally abusive, I get out of the situation. Drive away, stop responding to texts, etc. However, some people ( in the recovery world, and my counselor) say I am continuing to enable him by living in this limbo. Not moving back in, not getting divorced, just hanging here, separated, hoping that with time and space he would move toward recovery. Unfortunately, he's not. Stopped going to AA and working with his sponsor, stopped going to marriage counseling (our counselor told him he needed to see someone more knowledgeable about substance abuse, as that is not an area she is experienced in), stopped meeting with his priest... yet crazily, he will still say he's doing these things..."I'm doing everything I'm supposed to." He thinks he is special, not like those other alcoholics, and can go it alone. Except, I don't really see anything in his behavior that backs up his assertions.
I don't clean up his messes or cover for him. I try to be honest with our kids, without bashing him (it is a fine line). I do compensate for him, in the sense that I do the lion's share of stuff related to the kids. We each have them half the time, but I buy everything, go to all meetings, take them to doctors, plan fun stuff, run all errands, etc. For the past year, he has taken them nowhere and done nothing with them. I try to just be grateful that he isn't driving them, since I don't trust him since he hasn't yet been honest about drinking.
I spoke with a counselor, who said I have lost most of my leverage since i already moved out. All I can do now is divorce him. My county leans toward the fathers, so anything less than 50-50 time will be an uphill battle for me, and I will have to bring in the alcohol abuse, which could get ugly.
I'm just struggling to figure out if I am still enabling. I am on the precipice of filing for divorce, but I am still resisting this so much. Our boys are 11 and 13.They prefer to live with their dad, since he is in the family home, and they can do what they want there. It just overwhelms me with sadness; I feel like I am the one that is going to lose out. I do things for myself, see friends, etc, but am realizing that all of my dreams for this present/near future time in life revolve around family life, and the dreams we had together. I lived many years of single life. I can do it again -- but I don't really have any dreams about living life alone, a half-time mother whose kids want to be elsewhere.
Ugh, I am feeling self-pity and I don't want to go there. Just wondering about your views on enabling, and if I am still doing so by not moving on, even when he continues with his projections, paranoia, hiding, etc.
The way I look at it, enabling is when you do things to make life easier for him. But I don't see you doing that here. I see you moving forward with your own life. You are respecting that fact that living with an active alcoholic is a crazy-making, depressing, painful experience, and you got to the point where you'd had enough crazy in your life and were in need of some calm and sanity.
Defining this as "enabling" speaks as if the main thing to focus on is the A. So if others are focusing on the effect on him, maybe they haven't come as far as you have in the process of refocusing the attention onto you.
I am sorry that he is still in the family house and you had to be the one to leave. I hope that you had good advice from a lawyer about how to work that. From my experience with my lawyer, bringing the drinking into the equation is absolutely the thing to do. His "getting ugly" is his way of trying to control the public perception of his actions, as if he can wipe out the effects of alcoholism just by not mentioning it. Trying to appease him and keep him from "getting ugly" would have the effect of enabling, even though it wouldn't be intended to make his life easier. (Though that's what he wants you to do, I'm sure - to make his life easier.)
Kids will love any place where they get to have their way - as we know, if they had their druthers, they'd eat nothing but candy, stay up all night, play video games 24/7 instead of going to school, and never wash their clothes. We as responsible parents are here to keep them on the straight and narrow. Even when they protest and resent us for it. They are not really wanting to live in a house ruled by a dysfunctional and crazy-thinking alcoholic. They just see their advantages and are judging by what kids can judge by. Thank the heavens that they have one sane and responsible parent.
I know it is all painful and disappointing. I think the relief and calm and sanity will be in there too. Hugs.
hi Mattie,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I like how you define enabling - if you are doing something to appease the A, rather than for another reason. I feel like I've got it somewhat down when it comes to my AH alone, but then I get more confused when the kids are part of the equation. Here are a couple examples, if anyone is willing to help me think them through:
my 13 yr old son complains a lot that dad doesn't "do anything" or clean anything at his house. My son has started doing most of the cleaning, which I think is good experience, though it's sad that he feels that burden. He cleaned out the freezer over there the other day - I was shocked and impressed! He sometime asks if I could come do some cleaning. I feel like that is making things easier for my AH. He chose to stay in the house and all the burdens that come with that, rather than move out and lighten his load/focus on himself. However, it would also help my son.
My younger son is allergic to dust mites. I know his room at dads has become incredibly dusty. For his sake, I'd like to help. But again, it makes dad's life easier... he doesn't have to feel the full scope of consequences to his behavior. And, I've got another house of my own that I struggle to keep clean!
Last: the kids often say there isn't much food in dad's house. Dad only shops at the local, expensive grocery store. I keep suggesting he go to the next town once in awhile to do a big shop, where he can save money and stock up. He doesn't/won't. We still share all our bills, so his non-budget shopping hurts me too. Is it enabling to include their shopping list when I bargain shop out of town? He is always very grateful. I do it for the kids, when I do, but I end up feeling like I am "saving" him. He doesn't work past 2:30 pm, and has plenty of time to drive to bargain shop if it's important to him for either the budget or kids' sake.
Hmmm..... as I type this, my first reaction is that the least enabling of these choices is to clean dust my younger son's room. I care about his health, and it's something his 11 year old self is just not gonna do. I think it's different than me cleaning the bathroom or areas that their dad shares. I don't yet have any insight on the other two examples.
The disease often tells alcoholics they are different to all other alcoholics. That they can control it, don't need a program etc. It is called Terminal Uniqueness.
This was helpful to me when I learnt it, I also googled it to understand it more. I wanted to share in the hope you find it helpful too. Takes away the feeling that you are alone.
Alcoholism seems a well worn path. Basically the same for all.
Doing anything at his house would be enabling in my book. That includes all 3 things about the kids. They say they want to live with dad...they get to do what they want...well that comes at a cost for them too. He needs to learn to be a better house keeper, cleaner, shopper...He wont learn it if you do it for him. Also, while you don't want your kids to suffer, doing the ahopping and cleaning makes him look like a better parent than he is. He will surely get more custody then.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 28th of August 2016 04:31:15 PM
I had posted a reply here but not sure what happened to it....I agree with pinkchip - anything you do 'there' is enabling. I did everything around here for the entire family for ever and a day and my kids learned really early on how to divide and conquer - if mom says No, just ask dad. He was typically not very involved, unaware I had already given an answer and would therefore respond in any manner that gave him peace and quiet to do his own thing.
Anytime we are doing, acting or reacting in a manner that puts other's want/needs ahead of our own can be either co-dependent behavior or enabling, depending upon who you ask. I do agree that you're moving onward and have physically separated from your A but also see the point about continued enabling in an emotional way. Not putting your own emotional needs in front of the AH, the family unit you want or your children can be considered enabling. Again, if you are putting others wants/needs or an unrealistic expectation in front of your own wants/needs, it's worth taking a look at.
I also agree that if children are given the choice, especially boys, they will look for the easier, softer path. Mine were slow to mature to start with and then add the whole disease aspect, and at 24 and 22, they act like they are 14 and 12 some days.....other days, they're worse and other days, they're better.
I do believe that enabling behavior is revealed to us in layers. We first learn how to stop doing the obvious - all which others can do for themselves. We then learn how to stop putting ourselves into a position to be used vs. being of value. Finally, we learn how to be free - emotionally, spiritually - beyond physically. It, like everything else in recovery is a process. More is revealed as we grow in the program.
As far as divorce, custody, the home, etc. I would certainly suggest talking with a few lawyers. You didn't just get mad and depart from the family home - you were forced out of an abusive home where the abuser refused to leave. Projecting without input from an expert probably causes you more fear/anxiety than just talking with a few lawyers. (((Hugs))) - asking the questions here suggests to me that you have some doubts - that's when/how we grow. When we hear something, absorb it, process it and then act upon it if necessary. Keep doing what you're doing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The children might need to see the full impact to what a Alcoholic is so helping him look better is enabling. You don't need to say anything....just need to step back and let whatever happens happens. You need to take care of you AND your children and Let Go and Let HP take care of you AH.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Do you attend Alanon meetings? I would suggest getting to a meeting and working the program hard because this is where I got the clarity and then with this clarity I was able to make the changes that improved the lives of my whole family. Your attending a counsellor which means you are willing but for me working on a one to one didnt do it for me. I needed the support of a whole group of people who have walked my shoes, that way I get more voices, viepoints and always get to hear what I need.
