The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday i forgot to do an errand for my mother, and I really forgot to do it in good faith. And this morning at breakfast I felt so attacked by sarcasm from my mother and my AH. As shared before, my mom is the controlling and manipulative type. Many times my AH and my mom are at odds with each other and I am always caught in between. But this morning they are allies in attacking my "self care". Just because I forgot to do an errand for her, she pointed out that I am selfish and will only do things if I am to benefit from it, which was seconded by my husband. I think they are noticing changes in me which I believe is a result of practicing Al-anon principles, my taking care of MYSELF, my boundaries, my saying NO, not allowing myself to be pushed around. I tried to control my temper and just answered that that is not true and argued no more. But I was really hurt, and I would like to cry. Thanks this popped up my mind at once: Just for today, ...I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it
Great tool- The Just for Today bookmark. I am so pleased that you are able to recall the suggestion and implement it at a difficult time and then come here and own your feelings. Good job
Awesome J...that is a favorite of mine also and in my second/third year of recovery I memorize it...the whole pamphlet and never had a problem again knowing what my day was going to be or how I was going to go thru it. I really think everyone should have that book mark and memorize it also. Great share!!!! (((((hugs))))) Bet your Alcoholic and Mom realized you were done reacting.
Brilliant use of the tools. I like that is an offer 'to take a hurt' or not. I choose not too. How can anyone know me more than I do or have an informed view to form accurate opinions of me? I just dont buy it, especially from people like active drinkers who are speaking from their own disturbed view of the world or Mothers who sound a bit crazy, sorry but she does, especially if shes using bully tactics at her age, something wrong there.
Why on earth would I give any weight to a single word or opinion they might have of me? That would be insane to me. I work a program that lets me see who I am and Ive got a list of my own shortcomings so no-one on this Earth can really tell me anything that I dont know and none of my shortcomings can insult me ever.
Thank you Jocelgp for reminding me of this tool - I am so inclined to think that I should be honest in what I do and I completely forgot that I can choose which feelings I want to share. I needed to see this today.
J- Great use of the program. I really love this. I also live with my AH and my mother who I believe is an untreated alanon. Both of whom despite their erratic behaviour I love and respect dearly even when they drive me nuts lol.
I like how you decided not to show them you were hurt and not to take it too seriously. When I first started my program I got a lot of it from both sides. Now that I can look back at it I can see it a bit more objectively. In some ways by changing a long standing pattern of people pleasing I did with both of them for decades it was like pulling the rug out from under them. Of course they had strong reactions, took my change in approach or attitude personally etc. I think both of them felt threatened by my new program and I was accused of being selfish in the beginning. I think they were both really caught off guard and afraid of what this would mean for our relationship. But as time has passed and I have continued to work the program I've seen huge improvements in all of my relationships especially in those two relationships. My mom was the first to come around. She asked me questions about the program, read a book on codependency and could see herself in it and caught on really quickly to boundaries I set with her. A real turning point for me was when I went from thinking my mom was out of control, manipulative and "crazy" to realizing that we were actually pretty similar. She was really just doing the best she could with what she had available. She was doing what she learned from her mother and so on. I could have compassion for someone suffering from the grips of this disease without treatment. I often say one of the first beautiful gifts I received from this program was getting my relationship back with my mother. We love each other again and we can just have a relationship now with out all the drama (or a whole lot less drama). I never saw that coming. And for me that is so valuable because there is a limited number of days I will have with her (with anyone I guess but because she is older it feels more limited). MY relationship with my AH has improved too. He felt more threatened by the program, didn't understand it, felt abandoned by me for attending it and acted out about it more frequently. Even he has come around on many issues. By working the program and continuing to push forward despite their lashing out and frustration and anger etc. everyone improved. Sure they aren't perfect and they haven't improved the way I would have wanted lol but everyone is doing better just because I am in program and working my program.
I found it incredibly painful and isolating when both of them would be angry with me at the same time. But people do adjust and adapt. The beautiful part of the program is that you set boundaries not build walls. I think I was emotionally shut off most from my mom. It was like I had built a big wall off ice between us (think game of thrones) and the program helped me see that I didn't need a wall to protect myself from her I just needed some good boundaries and good program tools. Now the wall has melted and I can feel the love she has for me that I could never feel before. What a wonderful gift this program has given me.
you are a good example of "it works if you work it". Good for you!
I can relate to much of what you write. My relationship with my mom was always fraught with tension and a power struggle. She just turned 90, and while I don't see her changing her behaviors and attitudes at this point, my changes have made a big difference. I have set boundaries, don't take everything personally, and have put a breaks on the people pleasing; even with her.
The changes between my AH and I are really big. By taking the focus off him and what he is doing or not on a daily basis, our arguing is almost non-existent these days. I still speak up when I think it is necessary, but I no longer nag, comment, correct, and make him feel bad about who he is. As a matter of fact, he is even drinking less. I don't even comment on that.
I still become concerned about outings and company, but he seems a little more conscious about that, too!
I have no idea how long it will all last, but I am grateful for every day of peace.
It sounds like you are doing really well, KT. So happy for your progress in the program. Thank you so much for the positive share.
Great job, Jocel. Thank you so much for your share! Coming to this site and sharing your feelings can ce such a relief and so helpful to the rest of us.
Moms are tough. We love them and want to be close, but it is not easy for those of us whose mothers also need the program!
little by little, the program steps sink in and work if we give them a try. Please keep coming back.
Keep working on you - that's what it is all about! Way to go Jocel....Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is a great reminder and one of my favorite AlAnon "tools". It's also one of the ones I have the most trouble with...the expression on my face tells it all! Lol
I'm working on it and I appreciate you bringing up the topic!!
