The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi strangers! I have been gone a while...summer is always so busy :) Nothing has changed in my situation. AH is actively drinking daily, all day, managing to work (self-employed) and still in deep denial that his alcoholism is hurting anyone other than himself. He admits he is an alcoholic. I guess that is something. But he honestly believes that it affects none of us...its just how he "deals with stress". A case or more of beer a day to control stress? sure. Sounds completely normal
Anyway, I am trying to stay on my side of the road, but I tend to take steps backwards and bring up how unhappy I am with his drinking and how it changes things. Lately he has tried to pacify me with all of these "words" about how I'm his rock and much more BS...he basically says one thing, but the way he acts is totally contrary to what he says and it makes no sense to me! Does he really think that just telling me this stuff but never "living" it is reality? I'm just amazed at how blind he is to all of this...it is like I have said before: he has an idea of what his life looks like, but the reality is no where close to what he thinks! My kids see it, other people see it, but he has these blinders on...will he ever see the light? Will he ever realize that alcohol is poisoning him and our whole family? I just don't understand. Does the alcoholic really buy his BS or does he really know e truth, he just can't face it or admit to it?
Nice to see you Fairlee
I don't know if people buy their own bs or not; I used to say that my partner used his "plans" as currency..."leave me alone to drink today and I'll do xyz tomorrow" or whatever 'plans" would get him his own way, then, no delivery. It was like he thought that the promises were enough and "I'm gunna' was just as good as "I did".
I did notice a pattern where he would promise, i would get angry when he didn't deliver, and then he would use my anger as the reason he didn't do it (well I was going to but you were being a B word so, it's your fault I didn't). I began to tell him that i wasn't accepting words anymore and I was only interested in action. he didn't start actualy DOING things because I said this but, he did stop making empty promises and that made me less angry which was a bonus.
It'll drive you crazy, if you let it! Fortunately you don't have to drive yourself crazy wondering what he knows or what he will or won't do. What can you do for you today that makes life happier?
Hugs
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Fairlee - my own experience is that the denial runs deep - down to the bottom of my feet actually. When I was active many, many moons ago, I did not see how what I did affected others or hurt them - at all. I was young then so young, dumb and very immature but I did not have the ability to understand what it's like to watch your child self-destruct. I still at times, 28 years later, wonder how my parents still love me because when I got sober and did my step work, and realized the BS I pulled, said, etc. they were certainly at the top of my list for amends.
I actually was in treatment for more than 45 days before the counselors were able to convince me I was an alcoholic. I was only 26 and my perceptions of an alcoholic included males, unemployed and unemployable, often homeless, etc. I just did not realize or know that there were functional alcoholics nor did I realize there were binge drinkers or hide/seek alcoholics. I just did not understand anything but my own faulty, warped perceptions of what an alcoholic was/is. I met with my counselor each day and denied that I had a problem.....I had arrived at rehab/treatment at the recommendation of my lawyer for my 2nd felony offense. Finally, using 'that' - 2 felony charges before the age of 27 - the counselor was able to convince me that I had a problem.
I was on papers (under court/parole supervision) for a full year after my disposition, and truly planned to finish my court responsibilities and return to my crazy, alcohol/drug fueled life. I had no intentions of staying sober beyond the required time interval. I guess God had a different plan because when I was finished with my court requirements, I truly realized that I enjoyed my life more than I had ever before and the only change I had made was living without mind-altering/mood-altering substances.
So - I can say, in my experience, I denied and actually argued with anyone who suggested my actions hurt/affected their life. I would laugh and ridicule anyone who tried to have a serious discussion with me about my actions/attitudes. I had a false sense of pride, strength and confidence that was a by-product of substance abuse. If reality pain surfaced, I self-medicated again until it was every waking moment. I would have continued on had I not gotten a nudge from a judge and believe I would have been dead a long time ago.
It's so sad to admit that, but it's part of my story. My bottom had everything to do with my choices to break the law without fear or consideration of any consequences while under the influence. My losses were less material and more spiritual/social - I still have relatives who will not give me the time of day!!
I hope this helps - my share is so you know that in his mind, most likely he does believe he's OK and functioning and not a problem for anyone else...sad, but I can relate!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Nice to see you fairlee. Yes I've wondered that too. I think they create a thick world of woven JADE bs which becomes reasonable to them. It can be reasonable to us too until its obvious that it's insane. Alanon is my sanity touch zone.
They do buy their own BS. I think that is what keeps them going. I look back on what my A said to me not that long ago. I was talking to him, very calmly, about how he is when he drinks and he said I don't see it that way. Of course you don't!!
-- Edited by Jen61 on Thursday 21st of July 2016 10:54:51 PM
Rationalization using an mind under the influence is what the insanity of this disease is all about. Mostly the alcoholic is delusional and accepts that as reality and why not because it is their reality. They believe they are right and will fight to be right until they can no longer convince themselves. "Cant you see what you are doing???" Actually they care not to see as their egos and prides are deeply involved and can hurt more than the chemical can. I didn't find out I was alcoholic until 9 years alcohol free in Al-Anon and then took the assessment that I admonished my clients to take to convince them that they had "the" problem. Thank God for all the lessons on Humility cause they all kicked in on the same afternoon. I didn't die accepting I was alcoholic I found the courage to attend the Friday Nooners Alano club meeting and looked for a sponsor. Thank you God ever so much.
Yes I understand words alone are a joke and a maddening one at that especially if you allow yourself to heed them. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I get "i am trying to cut back but so what if i have a few beers with friends". He still has no sense of how drinking at all affects him. Instead he gets defensive and says that because of ME he is not "allowed". Yet he is the one who wanted to be sober.
So what if he never gets it? What about you and what you know? What would it be like to take your focus off of him and place it on Aerin only? How do you see that she will make out? Make your words your walk and see where you end up. Keep coming back ...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Fairlee, good to hear from you. Reading over your share, I couldn't help but think of yesterday's (7-22) ODAT reading. When I arrived at the doors of AlAnon, I had nearly lost my mind, and all of my sanity, trying to make sense of alcohol and behavior. During the periods of active drinking, there were so many contradictions, reversals, non sequiturs, things that rocked my trust and left me questioning how much of it was the individual and how much the disease.
Any time I find myself thinking that there is reason, logic, or control with a negative aspect of alcohol, I find myself also struggling with negative feelings toward the individual, not the disease. AlAnon helps remind me that they have no control over alcohol whether they admit or not. In turn, I know not what stems from alcohol and that from the individual.
Ultimately, it matters not the 'why' behind the behavior of others as I am powerless over it regardless. Instead, the 'what' that I choose to do about it is the only thing I can control. I need only determine what my needs and limits are, and determine what I will do to meet them. This approach helps me immensely when I use it, allowing me to shed extra concern and turmoil about others and keep the focus on me. Otherwise, the madness knows no bounds...
Hang in there, glad to have you back, hope the rest of your summer treats you well
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Jerry:
I kind of know this but it justs drives me insane that he really truly thinks that his cutting back means he is still entitled to drink sometimes and that I am giving him no credit for trying. I try and ignore and put focus on me but it makes me confused that maybe I am doing something wrong. He doesnt express how he feels about me (good or bad) until he has a drink. And he sneaks it too. And doesnt think I notice because I don't say anytning. ugggggg i am tired of feeling sorry for him and men in my past that act like helpless children.
