Grace - so very sorry for the situation you are in. The disease of alcoholism/addiction is powerful, cunning and damaging beyond anything that we can truly comprehend. Either he will or will not recover, that's not for you to focus on or consider. The disease is considered a family disease as it reaches well beyond the using person and touches almost everyone.

I've not been in your situation and send you (((hugs))), thoughts and prayers. I do encourage you to seek out Al-Anon meetings and any support you can for you and your children. At this stage, based on what you are hearing from him, I would take any steps you can to take care of you. In Al-Anon meetings, you will find people who understand exactly how you feel, and will listen without judgement and will offer ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to you without giving advice. I tend to avoid advice givers as that is a form of denial in itself, and shows me one who has more self-searching to do in recovery.

Please take care of you, be gentle with you and know that you are not alone. We learn in recovery about the disease and the diseased, and we learn how to detach with love while working to get our needs met through self-care and recovery. Keep coming back!!

Hi Grace.
That sounds really difficult and heart-breaking.
There's really no way to know what he will/won't do or whether his current "wish" is just a part of his recovery/addiction or something else. What I think you can confidently take from it is that he is showing that he's capable of saying and doing things that cause you a lot of pain and instability and that's a very hard thing to discover, especially at such a vulnerable time for you.
Most folks in al-anon will suggest that trying to guess at his motives/true feelings/ likely actions is impossible and a sure fire way to drive yourself crazy.
What you can do is be gentle and kind with yourself and put the focus on you...you really deserve that and if you can't gain support from your husband when you need it most then you deserve a double serving of it from yourself and from other people who understand!
Working the al-anon program, for me, helped me to remove "other people" from my head and instead make decisions based on what I know is right for me and my child. I'd so recommend checking it out in any way that is feasible for you, by attending meetings, reading the literature etc and seeking the support of people who get it. You can't control what he does or doesn't do, but you can control the way that it impacts you and choose a life of stability, serenity and happiness regardless.

Hugs.

Glad you are here. No matter what place you are in the tools of the program can help. That is detachment focus on ourselves I cannot think of how embrassed, angry and upset you are but if course I can. Although I was not pregnant I had an AH who behaved very similarly in rehab. It is very very difficult not to take that personally. Maresie

Were this me...I would not make major decisions but I would start to think about and process a life that is more independent of him. Getting over the catastrophic fear of him leaving, cheating, relapsing...is like the hardest part. Simply put, he is acting like a liar, who doesn't know what he wants and has been faking it and using to avoid being true to himself and you. You are right. You DON'T know him and for the last 5 years, addiction has been driving him WAY more than you thought. If he could lie and hide a heroin addiction for that long, how has he shown he DESERVES your trust and hope? And now this? Likely he thinks he needs a new fix just cuz he doesnt have his drug fix....typical horrendously childish SICK SICK addict behavior. 

I am NOT saying this to crush your hopes of reconciliation. I AM being realistic that your husband is currently a very sick and very dishonest addict that sounds really emotionally stunted and likely to cause more hurt and pain. That is what addicts tend to do. He is an addict. This is sadly typical. He may come to his senses, but trust me, true recovery from a lying secret opiate addiction where he now doesn't know what he wants or really feels for crap....THAT is not a good person to pin your hopes of happily ever after on.

I HATE that addiction does this. I know you have your hands full right now. Reach out to alanon/naranon as much as you can. As lovingly as I can say this - your disease is pining away after him now that he is really showing you some insanely unacceptable behaviors. Pregnant or not, you are better than what he is dishing out to you.

Don't go rushing out for a divorce cuz of what I am saying. This is all meant to help snap you back into YOUR reality. Not fixated on his crazy addict one. Identify who your healthy supports are. See if you can hook up with face to face alanon or at least online meetings here. YOU and the kids matter most right now.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 14th of July 2016 05:00:43 PM

Hi Gracie, I do know what your going through so maybe my story will help. I'm also a newbie here. I met my husband dating and stated upfront heavy drinking was an issue for me in a partner because of my family history. We dated for 5 months and got engaged at 10 months. We had drinks together but when I felt it was too much he stopped. However, when I got pregnant he drank a lot. He got drunk in front of my parents and upset my family. I spotted one night and tried to wake him up but he had too much booze. So I got a neighbor to take me to the hospital.

I felt I can't depend on him when the baby is here because I can't depend on him now. I also made excuses like being a father is scary and it will pass. We bought a new house when my son was an infant. He drank too much one night and backed me into a corner and shoved me into the wall shouting all kind of profanities. When my son woke up from the fight my husband wouldnt let me get him and calm him down. I was sober...he was not.

This wasn't our only fight like this. So we tried family counseling. I found out his father was an abusive drunk to his mother. We still had small fights without any physical trauma but the name calling where I'm a bitch who needs to shut up, being called stupid...I got so tired of it. I felt with a newborn TRAPPED. I felt AFRAID and wondered if my marriage would last. I had left my job to be a SAHM.

That was my first year. My husband also drank a lot and blamed his back issue into the second year. He needed a spinal fusion and was on a 6 month wait list. My parents had health issues at near 80 and with a drunk husband in pain I only had myself and this needy baby. He was very verbally abusive and we continued to have therapy.  He went on disability for 6 months because of his back.

Now we moved to the mid west where I know no one for 100's of miles (being from the east coast). He has a new job.  The behavior continues but I stopped making excuses for him. My son often uses the ugly words my husband uses. He's 3 and soon will realize what's happening. I realized the worst thing is to feel I can't do it on my own. To feel trapped or afraid or to keep these cards hidden. The past few months he has been drunk with all his free time. On weekends he gets up and drinks booze with his breakfast...if he even has one. He is passed out all weekend. And my son is beginning to push his father away because he's absent and does nothing special but watch TV and pass out. My son has a lot of anger bottled up for a 3 year old.  I know I'd make a lot less money than my husband but there would be more love and emotional stability.

This weekend after another argument while he was drinking occured I packed a suitcase and took the dog, kid and myself to a cheap hotel with no notice or where about. I told my husband maybe we need to seperate for a while so we can work on each ourselves. That I am tired of being blamed and if we are not there he can't blame anyone. I explained even if I choose a healthy lifestyle I can't be a positive role model with a son who respects others living in the house like we have been where he is drunk and verbally abusive.

It felt drastic, rock bottom but surprisingly this peace is washing over me. The peace of no longer being afraid to walk away. I have friends and family to help if I chose to. I hope you to do. My husband said he will keep all alcohol out of the house and dumped it out when I came home. I'm not sure if I believe him but I have given him two drastic choices your family or booze. He said giving up booze is a small price to pay for his family. But I had to threaten to seperate maritally for this. And even now I don't know if will be strong enough to follow through. I suggested support groups and he says he doesn't need one. We will see if that's true!

I'm not saying don't try marraige therapy, or AA or Al-Anon. Marriage is a sacred place. But I finally refuse to be around a father and husband who verbally abuse, neglectful and refuses to change. I expect slip ups but I also expect a little bit of effort to try.

I hope you reach a point where you can feel like you have a choice. Right now your plate is full and another child is on their way. Perhaps think of a friend to reach out to. Don't forget the local church can deliver meals and offer grief services. I wish I had asked for sooner.   I wish you the best of luck!

-- Edited by Cora_72 on Tuesday 19th of July 2016 11:17:29 PM

The best thing I can suggest is to take care of you and the children, go to Alanon meetings and learn how to take care of yourself and heal from the horrendous results of the addiction in your husband. He is a sick man, who is not capable of making healthy choices at this moment.

The only person who can make healthy choices now is yourself. And you need support, lots of support. You and your children come first.

(((HUGS)))

(p.s. I had to learn how to do this too when my husband was drinking and out of control)