The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apologies in advance for this will be a bit lengthy.
My sister is the youngest of the family. She is college educated, twice married and divorced, has 3 beautiful and healthy children, and a heroin addict. Life finally caught up to her a few years ago; she lost custody of her children and was sentenced to 2 years in prison.
Last week she was released. The family was optimistic, happy, and ready to support her and celebrate life with her.
She is permitted to see one of her kids, the other father (with whom she has 2 kids) is not so flexible and lives far away. She saw the one child for a weekend, then relapsed. There is no other explanation for it.
Her phone is turned off. She has been gone for 4 days with only an occasional text message from a restricted number. The messages say "I will be home in a few hours", but as I stated, it has been days. She has not reached out to make arrangements or check on the child that she recently reunited with. She has no fresh clothing, no toothbrush, no money,
My parents are not wealthy people but they have managed to waste a small fortune on my sister. They've paid for countless rehab visits, she typically is kicked out, of course my parents get no refund, they have paid for attorneys, they have bought her cars, set her up in apartments, they have even kept her child support payments current since losing custody of her kids.
They are getting older and would have retired by now if it weren't for my sisters constant expenses.
Within ONE WEEK she has spit in my mothers face, slapped my mother, kicked my father, took off in their car, and simply disappeared.
I am so angry with her but of course I have no way to contact her. I could go to my parents house (2 hours away) but it would only cause more stress as I am sure we will argue, IF she is there at all.
I've grown beyond being worried for my sister and I am now worried for my parents.
they have a lot of nice things such as electronics and jewelry and my father is a gun collector; I am worried that my sister or one of her "associates" will rip them off. They've worked very hard their entire lives and made smart investments, now I see it going down a drain and for what reason?
My theory is that if losing her kids, doing 2 years in prison, and losing everything she's ever had--respect, a career, her marriage and friends--if that didn't teach her a lesson and make her realize the error of her ways, she likes this life. She has chosen this life. I am not so concerned about her anymore, I am very worried for my parents.
What, if anything, can I do to help them? Inform them? Wake them up?
Welcome Sister Bob, it certainly sounds as if you have an intelligent grasp of the situation. I do agree if all that your sister has been through has not caused her to change her ways, then the best you and the family can do is to start taking care of yourselves in a constructive manner.
Al-Anon and Naranon are recovery programs establish for families of alcoholics and drug addicts. It was at these meetings that I discovered constructive tools to live by and the ability to detach with love from the addicts in my life. I urge you to check out the face-to-face meetings held in your community as well as your parents, community and suggest that they and you attend.
I am new to this group and appreciate all of the help and advice I can possibly get.
What is sad is that my parents are still "in a fog" denying that she has relapsed. (she failed a drug test so this is not only my suspicions)
I have suggested that my parents attend face to face meetings, but they don't clearly see how they've been used. In their minds they feel blessed to be able to help her as much as they do. It's very hard to watch. I want my sister to be healthy and with her children, I want my parents to be able to enjoy their golden years and the fruits of their labor, but they cannot.
They are financially ruined and extremely depressed, all the while saying "well, we don't know for sure...." (again: a drug test was administered she showed a positive reading, that is when she became violent and took off)
This situation has become so out of hand that I have considered taking my parents to court to have control of their finances. I feel that if I don't, they will be destitute in a few years and dependent on the state or me.
Welcome to MIP Sister Bob - so very sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us. My personal experience is your concern is valid but if your parents are not ready to draw some boundaries and let her hit her bottom, there's not much you can do beyond taking care of yourself. I encourage you to get any assistance you can - through Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, courts, etc. and encourage your parents to do the same.
We do not give advice in the program, but any time there are instances of abuse - physical, mental, psychological, verbal - we do suggest that everyone do whatever is necessary to keep themselves safe. I am upset with you that she's physically lashing out against your parents - that was me a few years back with 2 sons who also had an issue with H. I truly had to let them go and used the courts, the law, treatment, etc. to detach.....often with fear, eventually with love.
Take care of you and be safe!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome sisterbob, I am also a newbie to the group. I wanted to share my experience with siblings and addiction...
I currently live at home with my parents and my brother who is in recovery after 20 years of being an addict. I can honestly say that when he was in his disease I HATED and loathed him because I couldn't separate my brother from the disease. Before coming to al anon I never understood why he just didn't stop using. Didn't matter what I said, didn't say, how I said it....nothing changed. It wasn't until I started working my steps with a sponsor and focusing on me. I was able to have a foundation in the principles and I truly understood what "changed attitudes can aid recovery" means. It started with me, I was the example with my changed behavior. Today I am fortunate to say we have the best relationship we've ever had and it's only because I practice my program! He's been sober for almost 1 year but before that he was a chronic relapser. I remember the hurt and disappointment when he would be clean for a few months, go to meetings and talk about quitting for good...then he would relapse. I had expectations. I no longer have expectations, I let my brother work his program and even if he does relapse in the future I know that it's his responsibility. I will still love my brother either way.
I also have a sister who is an alcoholic and is familiar with the al anon program. She has a teenage daughter who has been living with her father for almost a year because my sister couldn't handle her. I also remember witnessing how my sister chose men and alcohol over her kids. In fact, that is the reason I decided to finally work the steps with a sponsor, I was getting so enmeshed with my sister and her kids that it made my life unmanageable. I had to detach from her life and just be a good role model for my niece and nephew. I was powerless over my sister and her kids, That was my first experience with step 1.
I had to detach from the relationship my parents have with my brother, I have to do it for my own sanity. Being that alcoholism is a family disease we are all victims and some of us have more pain from childhood than others. That's what I realized, my brother was the most affected out of all of my siblings.
I hope that helps! Praying for you and sending you positive vibes of peace and love <3
