Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Moany parenty stuff.


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:
Moany parenty stuff.


I struggle lately with this child of mine. We seem to have hit a bit of an awkward patch.

When we lived in chaos with my partner, it was daughter and I against the world and even then I knew that I let his awful behavior cover over some of my own less than stellar moments. 

Then when we moved out together, after all of the drama and struggle to find a home etc, things were difficult. Daughter was focused on starting high school, her new friends, and pretty critical about our crappy home and lack of money etc. It was an adjustment for me; I had to pack away the hurt feelings because they weren't really appropriate; the kid was just finding her feet and growing into a young woman as she is supposed to and I couldn't expect us to be best buddies forever.

I did a lot of soul searching and we attended some counselling sessions after she had an "incident" and decided it was appropriate to tell her that on one hand, I absolutely support her independence and need for privacy, but on the other hand, I chose to move us to a location near the school she wanted to go to, with no friends or family of my own in the area, and it was necessary for me to spend the first year studying from home as she needed me to be available so, it was pretty lonely for me and I expected her to treat me with respect and make the effort to at least eat meals with me, walk the dog most evenings and be generally friendly to me (and not treat me like the hired help). We nutted this out with the counsellor which was very helpful and things went really well for a while.

Now we made a deal that I would spend the first year at home (which I really freaking hated) and do everything I could to support her in getting established at high school etc. Then, we agreed, this year I would need to put more focus on my own study and attending live classes and establishing my own career. The deal was that she would step up and help a little bit by assisting with housework (she isn't asked to do much- put away clean washing, put away the dry dishes, and I have been asking for over a year that she cook dinner once a week...she hasn't managed to do that yet which irritates me because she CAN cook). The other thing she agreed to do was be super responsible about taking her keys each day and making sure she had her bus pass etc so that I could go to my classes (over an hour away) and not have to race home because she was locked out etc. 

So these things are not happening. Nothing gets done until I really pitch a fit (and then I am the bad guy). It takes a lot to get me to lose the plot by the way. I am a patient lady. Keys or bus-pass are always forgotten, meaning I have to leave class early almost every single time. When I am still out and she arrives home from school she begins texting I'm hungry" and sending me pictures of things she wants me to buy for her or make for her to eat. (Instead of occasionally taking the initiative and perhaps preparing something for us herself, as I had hoped she might).

So we are in a routine, it seems, where she does not do the things she has agreed to do, and is generally pretty rude and dismissive. Then, after a few weeks of asking, I lose the plot and yell at her and then she STILL doesn't do as she has been asked but instead tells me that I am ALWAYS angry and I am ALWAYS mean and blah blah blah. 

The other thing she is doing regularly is suggesting things we can do together, but at times when I cannot or obviously will not want to do them and then acting hurt and neglected. For example yesterday I drove her all over town with her friend and then told her that today I would be using my Sunday to sleep in, study and relax. So the moment I woke up she had a list of things she thinks we should do together today and a list of things she wants me to cook. (wtf is with the lists of things she wants me to cook? I hate cooking and she knows it!!!!!)

I ended up choosing something from her list because it actually sounded good to me (finding the local botanic gardens and walking there with the dog) and we did this and it was really pleasant....I ignored the eye rolling, sighing, and criticisms of my driving. 

Anyway. I realise all of this is fairly normal but I am not reacting well; I take the criticism and eye rolling to heart and react to the demands and the mess just like I used to with my partner and then her father before him. Angry, embarrased about being angry, inneffective and equally embarrassed about being ineffective. I'm becoming irritable, and what's worse, I've found lately I catch myself moaning about various injustices (for example things her father has done in the past) to her and I don't know why or where it is coming from (it's definitely not what I want to be doing). In short, the relationship is really stressing me out and I'm reacting badly.

She says I am always angry and its actually becoming true; the last few weeks I do seem to get angry more easily and I stomp and swear a lot. But it frustrates me so much that she won't do anything she is asked and conversely repeats behaviour that I have asked her again and again and again to desist with. 

Anyway. It dawned on me tonight that all of this is really similar to my relationships with my qualifiers so far; I could not establish boundaries and would thus resort to anger or guilt...which still achieved nothing and made me feel even worse.

So I figure I might rework the steps focusing on parenting. I really hope it will be productive. I am grateful to have such a tool at my disposal really. 

Wish me luck, lol.



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

Sounds like some good realizations in there.

I have found that two things are necessary to get kids (read: kids and adults) to remember important stuff: a good set-up, and consequences.  So for instance in going out, we need the keys to lock the door (it doesn't lock automatically behind you).  So anything we need to take, we put the keys on it.  If we need to remember to take lunch, and lunch is waiting in the fridge, the night before the keys get put in the fridge on top of the lunch.  Or whatever needs to be taken get puts right in front of the door, on the floor.  So if the kid needs to remember to take his backpack, the backpack is right on the floor in front of the door.

If something needs to be remembered, I always say, "What trick can we think of to get you to remember."  If he needs to remember to turn something in at school, he wears a rubber band around his wrist.  (We ceremonially bought a ball of rubber bands for this purpose.)  The tricks he comes up with are great sometimes.  Sometimes they are too complicated and we have to talk it over further.

The other thing I've learned is that if he forgets something despite repeated efforts, the consequences just happen.  If he forgets his keys, he sits around on the porch for a few hours till I get home.  If he forgets to take his lunch, he misses lunch.  (Or his friends take pity and share with him.)  I have to say that after one instance of each of these, he never forgot those things again. 

I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd have a little calm talk and say that if the keys were left behind again, she'd just wait till your normal getting-home time.  (Because you have set up a situation where she's rewarded with extra attention and you coming home early for forgetting them, there will be a little pushback on this at first.)  And Wednesday (or whatever) will be her night to make dinner, and she might try easy options A, B or C (because when you've been cooking for a while it's easy to forget how lost and clueless beginning cooks can be).  And if she doesn't make dinner for the two of you, you'll just have your own sandwich and she will have to fend for herself.  Again, calmly and lovingly. And if she texts suggestions for foods to buy, you can just say straightforwardly, "Please make something for yourself today, there is X and Y in the fridge."

I know we can get in a habit of expecting people to know what we want of them - especially because in dysfunctional relationships, it's sometimes risky to say what we want straightforwardly. So we get into habits of hinting and getting mad, rather than spelling out what needs to happen.

This is probably too much advice-giving, so of course take what you like and leave the rest.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

No, it isn't too much advice giving; I appreciate it. I haven't been a parent before, and I don't have another adult to discuss any of this stuff with. I spent a lot of years being an island- having no friends and not letting anyone see inside my life because I felt ashamed of it- I know plenty of people here know what that's about- so it's all pretty much hit and miss for me as far as parenting goes. As a rule of thumb i do the opposite of what my mother did and hope for the best, lol.

However, 1) she doesn't have a problem remembering; it's very clear to me that she is being deliberately "helpless' because she doesn't like me developing a life outside the home. This has manifested in various ways- being sick every time I have to go somewhere, going to school and then becoming sick and requiring me to go and get her, not taking keys, forgetting lunch, etc etc. She's very capable and this is not accidental.
2) yes I absolutely would let her sit on the porch until I arrived home if we lived in a safe neighbourhood. But we don't and it's hard to accept her going home alone as it is without the thought of her sitting outside with the nutters and drug addicts that ramble aimlessly up and down our street. It's not an option. I am over an hour away so if there was trouble I would not be able to get to her.

Hiding a spare key is an option, although I'll wager she will just take that key the next day and lose it.

I think the bottom line is, she wants me at home where she is used to me being. And she's at that awkward teenagy age where she really resists conversations or accountability. I wont be a slave to it, I just need to respond productively and not react with anger and frustration and then shame.

Gah!

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1152
Date:

Hi Miss M,
I raised 4 daughters and I heard a lot of "but I wanted to wear that tomorrow" (in a whiney, moany tone.) That was when each daughter would get the lesson about using the washing machine. I would gladly do their laundry if they would put their clothes in the hamper, but I wouldn't walk around the house looking for it and it got done on MY schedule, not theirs'. I had two of my foster teenager daughters who would not go to sleep at night because they was "busy" (talking to their friends) but then were horrible all day because theywere soooo tired. Finally I flipped the breaker on the fuse box and turned off all the electric to their bedroom. Of course then my consequence was all the drama and still making sure they got up on time to catch their bus in the morning, but they got the idea that I was finished playing the game.

With the hubby got sober I determined I had to stop treating him like a baby and stop doing it all for him. When I washed his clothes I deliberately had to not put it all away for him and clean up after him (like I did when he was drinking). So I would dump his clothes on his side of the bed and if he wanted to sleep he would have to clean it up. It worked. It was harder on me than it was on him.

And that leads to the last thing. You are operating on guilt. You feel that you weren't the best parent for the first years of her life. BUT THAT IS OVER NOW! You are a fantastic parent. A lot of kids would love to have you. Boundaries!... or not. You have to do what you are comfortable with. Baby steps.



-- Edited by maryjane on Sunday 22nd of May 2016 06:22:01 PM

__________________
maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

((MsM. ))Being a single parent is extremely difficult I think yoiu have had a great realization and sharing about it will lead you to alternate solutions . You are doing well I like Mattie's suggestions.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

Maryjane, you are absolutely right. I am operating on guilt. It's not an effective way to parent.
Deep breath...and start again.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 210
Date:

Hi Mel,

I think almost everyone with a teen daughter can understand the concept of this situation. I KNOW I can! Lol

I found the perfect keys solution for us in the form of a self-locking, programmable lock system, where you punch in a code known only to you and the door unlocks. EVERYONE in my home loves it, EXCEPT those who I refuse to give the code to.

Basically, I found that people who should not have been entering my home were actually doing so with a key. If I had ever given a key "for emergencies", then somehow that key must have been copied for "convenience" for spouses or children to use for convenience when they needed or wanted something from my home. When I had enough of the anger and frustration, I simply took off the old lock and put this one in. (The brand I used was Schlage, I think, and it cost somewhere around $75.00). I know this sounds like a lot, but they deadbolt system is really good and, in my opinion, quite worth it!

For our family, keys are sometimes an issue and we all have different ones with different vehicles and then my RAH has a different set for his work vehicle and then sets for my Mother's house, her store, the camper and mill house (with all the gates), and each of the out-buildings. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how confusing that can be and I was the worlds worst at picking up my purse and walking out without checking to make certain somebody had not "needed" my house keys for something. Yes, I know they should not take my set, but my then active A and a teen daughter are usually only thinking of what they want or need in the moment. Soooo, chancing the locks is as easy as using a screwdriver or a drill with a screwdriver tip. A couple of screws later and we have never again had a problem. I also find it MUCH faster to get into the house by entering a code than by fumbling for keys in my purse, even if I had them hanging on the edge, because so many keys are similar and it is a pain to line them up in the dark sometimes.

As far as the daughter not doing what she should, or doing only what she wants, I haven't found a really good solution for that one yet! Lol

I did stop her from parking behind me or using my garage so that I had to call her cell when I got home to make her move her vehicle by promising her she would loose her vehicle, her cell, her iPad, and all other communication devices (except for doing school projects/work) for one day on the first occasion, two on the second, three....and so on and it worked perfectly! I'm still trying though and she does get herself ready for school and college, study and do her own homework, clean (or not) her own room, and often have to find her own meals. She even has an account set up by her grandparents for college, so she is responsible for that and I never even see it. That is between her and them and not my responsibility, so, if she messes up, it is on her. Otherwise, lazy still wins, as does the cell phone and a stupid game of some avatar world. (It's a virtual life think and pretty stupid in my book.) lol

Good luck my friend! We are in this one together :)


__________________

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.