Hugs,

I really just wanted to stop and say it really does get better in the least expected ways .. I have made beautiful friends, found a part of who I am, all of who I am?  Not so much .. LOL .. I'm working on that part of the deal.  I haven't been attending meetings and I should find a book study at least and I also need to start back to church.  Life has been so crazy insane that now summer is here the kids are fully appreciating what will be going down and it will be insane. 

What I have noticed most is what I have found is my smile, my laughter, the ability to take things as they come.  That's not to say I don't get angry and frustrated, it's not a state of being anymore.  The chaos and confusion have lessoned and my sense of who I am and what I want is growing.  I make no apologies for taking what I want out of life if someone else is not on board they know where the door is, I don't answer to them.  I have eliminated toxic waste out of my life.  That part has been hard because it has left me feeling conflicted however the more I look at things the more I realize that I couldn't be who I am meant to be with that kind of pressure.  I don't doubt my mother means well however her version of well is so damning I didn't realize it until the toxic stuff was gone.  How sad that I can do better when she's not involved and reinforcing the doubts I have instead of encouraging me to chase dreams. 

It has made me a better parent and a better person.  Although I'm not traditional in any way the kids laugh at me all the time.  My daughter had a different interchange with her dad and looked at me and started laughing because she says mom .. how much older is dad than you?  I was like I don't know maybe a yearish or so?  She says OMGOSH he might as well be in an old folks home there is NO way he's close to your age!!  He was suppose to send pictures of flowers to her and of course that never happened.  I just SMH and don't say much of anything .. what is the point.  My son says he doesn't know any other mother's who play magic or even know how to play .. LOL.  He's starting to be a young man and he comes with a different set of issues.  Those will be what they are and all I can do is love him and help him feel secure that he is a great kid with a lot to offer.   

I miss the idea of a traditional family that should have, would have, could have been .. the reality is this IS my family unit and I love them dearly.  I love my mom from a distance and I'm ok with that.  I am being busy doing me and like I said like it or not it is what it is.  That is what Alanon gave to me, .. my sense of self and who am I.  I wish I had figured that out earlier however it is what it is and life is not perfect, however life is living and that's what I learned to do. 

Hugs S :)