The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My relationship with my ex ah was an intense, codependant nightmare. No doubt. It was also exciting in some respects, I never knew waht was coming and of course I got addicted to the drama buzz, the excited misery. Now I have this nice normal kind of relationship going on for about a year now and for some reason the whole quietness and calmness of it annoys me.
He has respnsibilities and works hard and takes this serious and where I come on that list is not clear to me. He talks a good relationship and he makes grand gestures that definately look like love but the day to day thing leaves me annoyed. We text all the time, that annoys me. I want a reply right away if he starts a conversation. His life is full and busy, that annoys me because I want him to be more available to me. It feels like his needs are being met with what we have. It fits in with his life nicely. This annoys me because I dont like feeling the whole thing is on someone elses terms because I get defiant about that. Resentment builds then I kind of act out. This all smacks of immaturity for me.
The empty hole inside me was filled with a lovely life I created for myself once I got Alanon,I reconnected with old friends, strengthened new friendships, found out what I liked to do and filled my life up. Bliss, happiness, serenity. Working this program hard. Then I got the wee love buzz and im kind of hooked and it just leaves me disatisfied most of the time. Its like a drug and its never enough. Its just became another gap filler except just like my obsession with first my husband, then my son, then studying etc it just doesnt hit the spot most of the time!!!!
He wants to take it further, the whole moving in thing but I sense disaster in that. I sense that the truth will be revealed to me that actually what I want is not what he wants. Im not really into settling down into the whole family situation again at all. Dont want the whole step mum thing, cant stand the idea of that at all. I found my freedom after twenty years and I cant give it up for anyone. I dont know if what i really want is him on my terms, dont really want to be involved in his life, just want the fun dates, the sex and not really much more I dont think. Confused ramble.
Sounds like you know what you want, really.
I can't bear the idea of living with a guy or being accountable in a live-in type situation either; it sounds awful to me now. I didn't know how to live without a partner to hide behind before and thought I'd die if i had to be alone; now I know how to enjoy my freedom and I'm not ready to compromise it.
I slip into codie habits if I spend too much time with my partner too; jealous, weepy, drama queen etc. Being in close quarters with a partner really brings out the worst in me.
But I don't think that's a "defect". Why can't you just have the fun, dates and sex if that's what you want? Who says we all have to be working towards a live in situation?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Does this make me a bad person? Or a cold person? Dont know. I know that I used to live in the pretend world where I people pleased and convinced myslef that everything I done was because I was so nice and everyone liked me and on and on. Now I dont care about any of that or how it looks to anyone else. I am conscious of him and his feelings, dont ever want to hurt him either because hes a beautiful person. He seems happy with me and Ive not told any lies. The pace is slow and thats good. He has invited me to family things but im just not that interested in all that stuff all that much. I dont know maybe there is something wrong with me still that im nt aware of yet.
((((El)))) both does that sound like the resistance to commit and I went thru that just before my present marriage. I don't suggest anyone doing what I did and you don't sound up to it. So you have "issues" (don't you just love that word??!!) How can you be fair, honest and just to your situation? What would you be gaining or loosing if you made it fair, honest and just? What's your HP and sponsor say about the situation and what suggestions are you hearing? How stubborn are you? That question really made me fearful and uneasy so I kept on doing the same things over and over again expecting different results until I changed.
You are one of my favorite MIP sisters...I'm gonna be listening. ((((hugs))))
What would you say to someone else, if they said all that you have just said to you?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I do hear you LC and so understand. I know in the beginning of my new relationship, I was always looking at his ability to stay calm in difficult situations and would compare this to my hubby who was exciting, volatile and unpredictable . I did not know how to interact in this environment. Program helped.
Re- Working Steps 4 through 12 did allow me to shed my defect that thought "serenity boring" and enabled me to connect with my deeper" true self' who knew how to respond in a healthy fashion to situations that once puzzled me .
I was then able to see and say what I NEEDED. I too did not want any blended family nor did I want to re marry. Once was enough for me!!!!
We discussed how to accomplish our relationship on this basis while considering his wants and were able to negotiate a suitable relationship that seems to work . We needed to renegotiate a few times in the ebb and flow of the last 30 years but we were still able to remain close to the original agreement . I am amazed. Program works when I implement it ODAT. We each kept our own apartments and see each other 4 day a week at my place and vacation 3 times a year together . The best of both world
You have the courage to live your life and are doing great . Good to hear from you.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of May 2016 06:31:43 PM
I dont know Mel. Honestly, maybe Im creating a problem in my own mind that doesnt exist, Im good at that at times. Ive met a great guy who my friends think i would be mad to let go of. He treats me well. I just feel uneasy about it when I think of my real thoughts. Am I being fair, honest just is he? I dont know.
Also, Im just feelling lonely right now and hes unvailable so maybe its myinner child acting out and im just not getting what I want? More will be revealed. Might write it out and give it to God.x
LC I would like to add that I needed to learn that partnering meant we were two people walking side by side. We each had our lives and responsibilities and were not responsible for each others needs.
If one needed help we could offer it but the function of the relationship was not one where he was responsible to fix or entertain me . It was one of shared decisions and responsibilities It was my job to fix me and he could not be my whole life nor I his.
Thanks for your thoughts. Hotrod, you always look so good xxx Jerry, thanks for saying that, means a lot to me. Mel, good question, I will ponder it. thanks.x
I think thats closer to the truth Hotrod. Im getting that feeling like, Im lonely and want you to cure it and I know better than that. I havent needed anyone to fix me for a long time. Is there a part of me wanting to stir up some drama and some unhealthy codependence? Could be and if so why and if so needs to stop so need to use my program. Not been to qa meeting for two weeks, feeling it.x
I think you've been consistent in who you are and what you want for quite some time - that has not changed. You have a right to live in a way that suits you. You've been up front with this guy and he's continued the relationship with you. From what I've read of your posts, it doesn't seem that you fear commitment, you simply don't want a something that echoes "traditional" type marital/family commitment. Not everyone wants to go down that road again nor in my humble opinion is it "abnormal" not to want it.
You're not "a bad person," for not wanting a lifestyle that doesn't suit you today. You sound like you are at the "been there, done that," stage in your life and want to keep your own space, independence, privacy, separate friends, finances and decision making. There are a lot of men who are living happily this way and appreciate dating a woman who is independent, fun and enjoying a life of her own.
If you're behaviors are consistent with what you've told your bf you want in a relationship then you've been accountable. I hope you'll continue to be true to who you are and honor that. If you see you're coming to a crossroads with him, trust that. You sound like you feel you're being pressured to make a decision that's causing you great discomfort. Please try to resist "shoulding"on yourself. You know... I should want to move in with him because we've been together a year now, I should want to be more a part of his kids lives because they are great kids, I should show up at his family functions with him because it's what he wants (maybe I owe him this as part of our commitment) even if my choice is to separate our relationship from the one he has with his extended family. To thine own self be true, el-cee. We lose some people along the way when we're true to ourselves but we need to continue to do what feels right for us. Whether this is progress or regression doesn't matter. What matters is honoring what we are feeling and taking things odaat.
I hope something I wrote is of help to you and that you'll keep exploring things that bring you joy and serenity. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I think a relationship with a man doesnt have to be your "whole life". Why can't you have other things you do that are separate from the relationship, excitement, fun, passion. Can you spend some energy on figuring out what YOU LIKE, instead of spending time on thinking about what you DONT like about your relationship with him. I think two happy and satisfied people make for a better relationship. Finding out more about el-cee, what makes her happy and fulfilled is in order. There is no rush to move in, give yourself time. Figure out who you are and what makes you passionate and fulfilled. I always know I have to be with someone who makes me laugh and is silly sometimes, otherwise I find it boring and too serious..... thinking about you....linsc
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I still am no further forward in terms of awareness. i trust my higher power will show to me what I need to know when I need to know it. Right now, Im tired with the whole thing. The whole relationship thing is more complicated in recovery because the days of burying your head in the sand is over. I like the truth much more, I want the truth now. Only the truth based on ration, the actual truth. Right now, im confused so the truth is outwith my view. I will practice letting it go and focusing on the day.x
Does this make me a bad person? Or a cold person? Dont know. I know that I used to live in the pretend world where I people pleased and convinced myslef that everything I done was because I was so nice and everyone liked me and on and on. Now I dont care about any of that or how it looks to anyone else. I am conscious of him and his feelings, dont ever want to hurt him either because hes a beautiful person. He seems happy with me and Ive not told any lies. The pace is slow and thats good. He has invited me to family things but im just not that interested in all that stuff all that much. I dont know maybe there is something wrong with me still that im nt aware of yet.
I apologize, because I didn't read past this post ^ as it really stood out to me
You are not a bad person...the fact that you are concerned about it is living proof that you are a good person, that cares about the kind of person you are, and how you treat others. This to me, sounds like self-doubt, and is probably something that you learned in your relationship(s) with an alcoholic, and possibly other situations in your life.
I, personally, am a firm believer in trusting thyself.
If you feel like you aren't ready for something -- moving in, or whatever -- there isn't anything *wrong* with you. Those are your feelings, they are your boundaries, and they are there for a reason. You don't need to feel bad or guilty for it.
Something I have learned over time (single and dating for 6 years now), is that others are not responsible for the way I feel. I used to get annoyed with my recent exBF - he rarely texted me during the day, and we had an 'old school' nightly phone call that began to feel like an obligation, more than a sincere desire to connect. He didn't 'mean' it that way of course (he said), but my own personal filter perceived it as indifference and being taken for granted. I would say something to him about it and he would basically roll his eyes and tell me that *I* can always call him any time if I feel the need to connect. Well, I am the sort of person that likes to be connected with someone, and for me to expect him to 'change' for me was unrealistic. (Step 1, just like I couldn't expect him to stop his drinking and drugging) It is up to me to make 'myself' feel connected with people, and that means I had to change the way I thought about things. Or, perhaps it means, he wasn't a good 'match' for me, and therefore he would never be able to meet the need I had to feel connected. It turns out he wasn't a good match in many more important ways, and the relationship has ended.
I just believe that when I give up parts of who I truly am (what I want and need) then the relationship is not healthy. The same goes for the other person in the relationship. I can't expect THEM to give something up or change just to make ME satisfied. I have learned to gauge how I feel - and that means asking myself, 'how do I FEEL right now' - and if there is any negative feeling, that is an emotional guidance system for me that I should listen to. When I am with a partner, there should be no 'doubt' or nagging annoyances about being together or not. It should be easy, fun, mutually satisfying - both people should be 100% happy on their own merit as individuals. Two 'whole' people need to come together, not two people who have 'spaces' to fill inside. I believe this - but it still doesn't keep me from dating and 'looking' for the right relationship, as if I too am 'filling a void' that I should and CAN fill for myself.
This is Step 4 work for me that needs to happen. Why do I 'need' to feel 'needed'? How can I meet that feeling for MYSELF, without another person or 'thing' required to make me feel valued and worthy? What old beliefs are still leading me to connect with the wrong type of person? Can I let go of those old tapes?
Good food for thought, thank you everyone for sharing your experiences!
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
