The material presented
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level.
So, I have been working very hard to watch what I say, how I say it, and to just ignore comments or negativity that come my way from my AH. A couple of times I have defended myself by calming stating that a comment of his was hurtful or unnecessary. My AH has responded very positively to my new attitude and we have been getting along much better. I have been detaching with love, pre-planning with strategies in case things don't work out the way I had hoped (still working on expectations), and basically have put in a ton of mental energy, reading, coming to this room, listening to podcasts, etc. It is all helping tremendously. I also need to get to f2f meetings, as I know from the past, they are the most help of all.
Although my AH obviously notices a difference in me, I don't think he has a CLUE as to how much work it is to NOT respond, or control or berate or sigh or sit in glum silence. It is WORK, as you all know! The thing that is starting to burn me is.....he seems hyper-sensitive to anything I say. I won't even be criticizing something and he will take it wrong. If I give an opinion, that has nothing to do with him or us....some outside situation.....he turns it into a dig about HIM. I have again been calmly restating or explaining that it has nothing to do with him, it is just an opinion on such and such.... totally unrelated to he or I. So, now am I supposed to not talk at all?!? I feel as if anything said on any topic has to be justified, restated, re-explained or defended. What further burns me is that he has NO idea how much I DON"T say in order to keep the peace! I realize it is all for MY sanity......but I feel like his hyper-sensitivity is making me insane! ARRRGGGHHHH.
My husband does the same thing, and he also accuses me of "making a face" ("Why are you making that face?!") constantly -- for example, if I'm reading a book, he will start anxiously asking me why am I making that face.
I don't have much experience with al-anon at all, but my guess is that it stems from insecurity in himself and the situation...on a number of levels. At least in my own experience, from my perspective, I have noticed with my husband that when I make positive changes, it tends to make him feel very anxious. I can't claim to understand why, and I don't feel comfortable assuming why, but one thing that does seem clear is that it causes him some sort of insecurity. In my husband's case, I have a feeling it boils down to having become so accustomed to his life always being in distress, that he can't seem to fathom having a peaceful situation. That's one of my guesses.
I would also guess that it's hard for the alcoholic to comprehend your changes to begin with. He isn't stupid, and he likely, deep down, is aware of how much work this is for you. I am sure he knows that you have to bite your tongue on a regular basis.
I could be wrong, and I invite anyone else to counter what I've said, because like I said I am still "new" to this whole process. But, I also believe based off my own experiences, that the alcoholism makes the person believe that they want to be left alone with their drinking, but the REAL them does not truly want the person/people that they love to disengage... the real, healthy person deep down inside, who is covered by the disease, understands that the people who love them and have tried to call them out on it, were there to help.
With that said, I think that it's possible that he is taking things so sensitively, because he is looking for a way to dig up and surface those things that you're holding down and avoiding, because 1) the real him does not want to ignore the issue/have his loved ones ignore it and 2) he is probably anxious that there ISN'T constant distress and is looking for a way to make it surface again. wants you to react.
I apologize, because I don't feel that I explained my thoughts very well, but I hope you get what I'm saying.
This a rocket science discussion and for me introspective thought. I learned from tis when I got into Al-Anon and women were my teachers then too. I investigated what they were telling me and found them mostly to be right on. At the end of the lessons I was given homework and took home the question...."so now what do I do"? "What do I do with what I now know"? This is a me program I can only change me and I have and I will or the merry go round comes around again. Mahalo Ladies once again. ((((hugs))))
Wow, this is the story of my life!! I feel like I have to constantly watch myself and it can be so exhausting. Hyper vigilant about me and that I have a slight tone or weird look...before I would deny it. Now I know it's possible. Still makes it maddening. But I really try to focus on me during these times and work on my program. And working on communication is still something I struggle with and is part of my work...even the body language. I can't control my A...I can only control myself and my reactions. Peace to you today.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Oh thank goodness I'm not alone in feeling like this. I came on here today to find a topic like this and bam, it was one of the first ones!
If I breathe deeply, he questions it. If I take a second to figure out my response instead of reacting, he questions it. He makes dumb comments and I just say ok or sorry you feel that way. Etc. He's definitely waiting for me to retort like I usually would - and I'm not!
I'm very new to all of this so I'm still learning but the last few days I'm actually not taking any of it personally and I'm feeling ok. Baby steps!
Certain people in my life do this- my partner, my mother and often also my child (wonder where she learned that?)
So if I am being quite friendly and happy even when they are trying to push my buttons, they will go ahead and tell me I am angry, or I am making a face, or I am 'freaking out" and eventually it gets under my skin and I DO freak out. It drives me insane.
One thing I discovered about myself is, I have always played the role of scapegoat in my relationships. Sometimes, people who are unhappy will look for ways to pass the unhappiness on to someone else and getting someone else to freak out so that they can act hurt and play the victim is something I have realised my qualifiers do a lot. I eventually get angry, they call me a psycho, I get even angrier and go and hide in my room. They cheerfully go about their business shaking their head and calling me a psycho.... and I end up feeling all of the anger, then all of the shame etc as well as complete confusion because I've taken on a whole lot of feelings that were never mine in the first place.
My part in the situation was taking on these feelings, and allowing myself to be 'to blame" for every disagreement or weird exchange. It takes time for people to get used to the fact that they can't give all of their bad feelings to you anymore.
When they say "Why are you looking like that", 'Why are you angry" etc and I am not angry and/or wasn't even thinking about them, I have learned that trying to JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain) gets me nowhere. Simply saying "I'm not" is enough IMO. If they're choosing to try to find something negative in my expression or tone then that's their problem, and I won't take it on for them any more.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Certain people in my life do this- my partner, my mother and often also my child (wonder where she learned that?) So if I am being quite friendly and happy even when they are trying to push my buttons, they will go ahead and tell me I am angry, or I am making a face, or I am 'freaking out" and eventually it gets under my skin and I DO freak out. It drives me insane.
One thing I discovered about myself is, I have always played the role of scapegoat in my relationships. Sometimes, people who are unhappy will look for ways to pass the unhappiness on to someone else and getting someone else to freak out so that they can act hurt and play the victim is something I have realised my qualifiers do a lot. I eventually get angry, they call me a psycho, I get even angrier and go and hide in my room. They cheerfully go about their business shaking their head and calling me a psycho.... and I end up feeling all of the anger, then all of the shame etc as well as complete confusion because I've taken on a whole lot of feelings that were never mine in the first place.
My part in the situation was taking on these feelings, and allowing myself to be 'to blame" for every disagreement or weird exchange. It takes time for people to get used to the fact that they can't give all of their bad feelings to you anymore.
When they say "Why are you looking like that", 'Why are you angry" etc and I am not angry and/or wasn't even thinking about them, I have learned that trying to JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain) gets me nowhere. Simply saying "I'm not" is enough IMO. If they're choosing to try to find something negative in my expression or tone then that's their problem, and I won't take it on for them any more.
SO much this ^^^^
This has been pretty much the basis of my marriage, unfortunately.
I think it's really important to recognize that, that's how the scenario unfolds, and the intent is to transfer the blame, guilt, etc. onto another person. However, for me, at least, rationally being aware of that does not always prevent me from reacting to it. I have days where I just don't have the energy and strength for it, and I react.
But, being aware, I think, saves us from absorbing at least some of the guilt and blame and really beating ourselves up. *hugs*
LADYNINJA..hugs to you..bet u havnt any good ones in awhile. Yes, I also was constantly monitored by my XAH. I would get the"whats the face?' comment and many other iratating questions and observations. I believe he did that to distract me from my view of his behavior. What a relief now to be away fom him and not integorated etc. This saying, needed alanon to help me build my self esteem back among other deficencies. Remeber, you cant change,control him and you didnt cause his behavior
A
Yes, in reading the responses to my post, I really do think it is a combination of my AH trying to alleviate his own guilt and shame by trying to make me the bad guy sometimes. I also think he tries to stir up arguments and tension. As much as he states he hates it, I think it serves to let him let off steam because he carries so much anger. I had noticed over the years that he can only go so long with peace and contentment......then he will rage for days at a time over really minor things. He has SO MUCH anger in him. However, if I become the LEAST bit grumpy....he is the first to point it out. OR....when I do respond in anything less than a 100% loving tone, he accuses me of "trying to start a fight" when in reality it is HIM trying to start one.
Yesterday he was really being annoying with little comments and attacking my actions. I went into the kitchen and started humming as I made dinner. I was NOT going to take the bait. I know I will not always be successful....that sometimes I will just react the way I want to. However, the fewer times I do that, the fewer big arguments we will have.
Coming here, reading my CAL, listening to podcasts, etc., get me through when it is not possible to get to a f2f meeting. Thanks all for your caring responses!
Yes, in reading the responses to my post, I really do think it is a combination of my AH trying to alleviate his own guilt and shame by trying to make me the bad guy sometimes. I also think he tries to stir up arguments and tension. As much as he states he hates it, I think it serves to let him let off steam because he carries so much anger. I had noticed over the years that he can only go so long with peace and contentment......then he will rage for days at a time over really minor things. He has SO MUCH anger in him. However, if I become the LEAST bit grumpy....he is the first to point it out. OR....when I do respond in anything less than a 100% loving tone, he accuses me of "trying to start a fight" when in reality it is HIM trying to start one.
Yesterday he was really being annoying with little comments and attacking my actions. I went into the kitchen and started humming as I made dinner. I was NOT going to take the bait. I know I will not always be successful....that sometimes I will just react the way I want to. However, the fewer times I do that, the fewer big arguments we will have.
Coming here, reading my CAL, listening to podcasts, etc., get me through when it is not possible to get to a f2f meeting. Thanks all for your caring responses!
Hugs hugs hugs...
The first paragraph of this response, I could have written myself. You are not alone, and it is not your fault <3 Hang in there and keep doing everything you're doing to keep yourself strong!!
This post was just what I needed as my AH does the exact same things as a lot of other AH's do. I am at a loss for words most times because the accusations he makes of me sound just crazy. It makes it really hard to walk away. I find myself trying to explain why I said something the way I said it or why I looked a certain way. And it helps knowing that more than likely it is really just him trying to take the attention away from his behavior. He creates all of these scenarios that aren't true or highly exaggerated and loves to call his mom (big time enabler) or his sister and tell them how awful I have been to him. I feel like I want to defend myself all the time to everyone he talks to. But I am slowly but surely finding the strength to let it just roll off. The people that know me know what's true about me and what isn't. I have to just let the rest go. It is so comforting to hear the stories of all of you going through the same thing.
Isn't it amazing that all these individuals have the same behaviors?? We can all relate to the same things; like the disease brings out the same symptoms no matter who they are or what the background story is! I am just amazed when I read the posts. ((((Hugs)))) to us all!
You are correct. EL, when we see the same symptoms over and over again, it is obvious that alcoholism is a disease and that is why Al-Anon tools work when we work them
You are correct. EL, when we see the same symptoms over and over again, it is obvious that alcoholism is a disease and that is why Al-Anon tools work when we work them
And this is why I'm so glad I found the program. I'm actually NOT CRAZY! It is a symptom of their disease. It's not me. Thank you, Alanon, and Thank you, God for bringing me here.
I use the acronym STOP frequently. Using any or all of these responses when I find myself in a conversation that is going nowhere fast really helps prevent things from escalating and I am protecting myself from getting away from my serenity.
"Sorry you feel this way"
"That's your opinion"
"Oh?"
"Perhaps you're right"
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I like what Cyndi shared. I used to say, "You may be right" but my XAH would use that one and twist it around and say, "So, now you're agreeing with me? How do you know I'm right? Maybe I'm wrong? You certainly seem so sure that I'm right but I don't think you believe it....". And, at that point, I usually walked away. My XAH was never happy unless he was engaged in conflict, he thrived on it. Being contentious and argumentative was all he knew and I got dragged into it as our relationship progressed without me even realizing it. It was a slow sick dysfunctional cycle and I found myself drowning.
Honestly, I'm not even sure this is all part of his alcoholism as it is because my XAH was a child of 2 alcoholics and he had many needs that went unmet. He basically told me that he's been in survival mode for all his life. He has never been able to relax, to be himself or to even let himself discover who that really is. I don't hate my XAH, I do wish he would get real help and get sober some day for our son's sake, but I do know that he was just a product of his environment and I can't fix any of that for him. We can only blame our parents for so long and we have to be adults and take responsibility for ourselves. I know this was part of my own journey and I chose to become healthy just as the OP is here.
All the tools of the program will help in ANY relationship that is strained or unhealthy. That's why I love coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yes, my AH was also raised in an alcoholic home. His 3 siblings are substance abusers of some sort as well. His father was harsh and my AH said there was no laughter in their home. Very sad, but I can't go back in time and make it better. I also wonder if he would just carry on about my brief replies, but it has to be better than the long debates and me finally blowing up. So exhausting, all of this.
GREAT I am happy You are all becoming MIRACLES IN PROGRESS