Debb, thank you for sharing this page and for your service.

This page is a strong one, reminding me of a responsibility that I did not grasp fully until I found AlAnon. I had focused on pointing out the failures of others, including my qualifier, boosting my sense that the insanity in my life resulted from the major missteps of others, not the occasional, small slips I made as a fed up 'victim'.

AlAnon never claims, nor is it healthy for me to believe, that I am responsible for all of my qualifier's unhealthy choices or behavior, or that I can and should try to control the behavior of others by changing my own. It simply states that any interaction influences outcomes, and asks me to focus on my contributions.

Before AlAnon I was acting like a 5-yr old, thinking I was justified in pulling Suzy's hair every time she told me I had cooties. AlAnon did not try to tell me that it is ok for Suzy to taunt me, and in fact help me see that Suzy's actions were not mine to try to control. By controlling my responses I could decide my level serenity.

By focusing on my own thoughts and behavior, I was able to begin making much needed adjustments in thought and behavior, significantly reducing the insanity I felt. AlAnon helped me make decisions based on what was best for me, without blaming my choices on my qualifier.

Everyone's situation is unique, and each must make the decision that is best for them. Ultimately, I decided to physically detach from the relationship with my qualifier. My decision was based on what I realized as my unacceptable responses and behavior. The toll of using my 'best thinking' and trying to control others left me in a state of mind and behavior that was best away from my qualifier while I developed and strengthened my tools of recovery.

If I had left the relationship before finding AlAnon and appreciating my own role in the unpleasantness, I likely would still think that my own unhappiness was the result of outside influences. Accepting that my feelings, thoughts and behavior are my responsibility and within my control is not always easy. It is, however, a key part to my recovery, peace, and serenity. I am so grateful for the wisdom and reminders of the program...  

Mahalo Debb...old important lessons remain valuable for me.  I get to her them remain in my life and enjoy the memories of when and how they worked.   ((((hugs))))