The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So. . An update. .my ah and i head back to the div mediator next week to iron out some final.details and then she will prepare the divorce papers for court. I find myself struggling with significant emotions and im so anxious about this as it draws near. How does one sign off on 17 yrs, get closure, let go and be ok? I know its the right move but the associated feelings scare me. . That said. .I continue to find myself seriously feeling the rebound effects of living in such a toxic and "co dependent" relationship. I struggle to find my self. Making decisions is so hard. .All i here are his comments, criticisms, sugfestions, etc. For example, today i traded in my 2009 vehicle with 145k and signed a three year full warr lease for a new car with a payment of $78/month. Im excited but dreading his comments. .Of which there willbe plenty. ."gee i pd off your car and you traded it without consulting me?" "Leasing, are you crazy? " "if you needed money for repairson the car i wouldve helped." "did yourfolks talk you into this". .oh and the list coukd go on. . I get my car next saturday. .I will see him that Sunday. .How to brace myself. . Its nit like i didnt think about this. .Bottom line. .i need security of a new vehicle with warranty. My car needed $1000 of work. . Gas mileage is better. .but. . How do i find and hear ME? How do i stop second guessing and hearing condemnation? How do i take care of me? Ive lost/ given so much. I left the home. . It brought no comfort anymore, ilist 50% of my time with my orecious child, i gave up mucho assets, i have a small savings account and no home, no equity, no assurance of much of anything. My wallet was stolen three weeks ago. Lost all credit cards checks and cash. I feel lost. . I feel overwhelmed. I cried at the car dealership as imade the decision to do it. . Sign the lease agreement all the while hearing him in my head. . I would greatly appreciate support and "been there" stories and support. Igrow weary and scared and need some building up.
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
(TOC) I think your decision to lease the car was an excellent one . I believe that you are taking good care of yourself and processed your choices very well. You no longer have to justify your decisions to hubby nor do you need to defend your choices.
Truthfully driving a car with over 100K miles is stretching it as it is not a good ride for you or your daughter.
Remember that you are an intelligent, professional woman who earns an excellent salary and have contributed to this marriage physically, emotionally and financially. You can validate yourself to hubby and not subject yourself to his cross examination
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
TOC - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
My best suggestion is to embrace all that Al-Anon can give you. Get to as many meetings as possible, find a sponsor, embrace the tools and the steps and you will find yourself. Much of what you are feeling sounds fear based, and I was only able to release much of my own fear by listening in meetings and doing what was suggested.
For me, each time my mind floats to my qualifier, I use the Serenity Prayer to bring me back to center. When I project what they might say/do/think, I remind myself to stay in the present. For my recovery, my best solution for my own negative way of thinking/coping was in the program.
Keep coming back and know that this too shall pass.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I get it, those comments inside our head that speak someone else's language - ugh!
It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that it was just habit, my habit, the programming that I had taken on by living too close to someone who was negatively opinionated! But because it was my habit, that I adopted, I was in charge of tuning out and turning it off. That was music to my ears. Not so easy in the midst of life changing moments, but I find that gratitude and asset lists help me to replace the negative noise. I also have a store of supportive voices, good things that nice people have said about me and their comments help me to restore my self trust. Eventually I hope to learn how to do it without relying on other people's feedback!!
And of course, throwing oneself into new and exciting things is a very good thing - like choosing a new car!! Wow, that is a wonderful liberating step, a tad frightening to begin with but, hey! Its your new car!!! Why wouldn't you want something reliable with back up guarantees etc. It is your choice, fabulous news. I'm happy for you. And I agree with Hotrod, what clearer validation of yourself is there than pulling up in some shinny new wheels! No need to explain, just smile and enjoy the drive!
Those rebound effects are there for a reason, I get them too, but I do believe that choosing a new way of living with new interests and opportunities will tune them out eventually.
PS Sorry to hear about your wallet, never nice to come across dishonesty plus the inconvenience as well. QTIP and bubble bath moment! Keep taking care of you and sending ((((hugs))))) as always.
Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce, and the associated pain and fear. While I have not been married, I was with my exAF for just under eight years - so I can relate in a bit of a different way.
I completely completely relate to the fear. I wrote a post on here yesterday that was just a long list of everything that was terrifying me, and terrorizing my mind, 24/7. So you are not alone in your fears.
Like the other people who have commented, I commend you for purchasing your new car. As difficult as it was for you, you went and made the decision to do what was best for you IN SPITE of the harassing track of your almost ex that was running through your head. That is huge! I believe that as you continue to build your life anew, exactly how you want it, the decisions will become easier and the noise in your head will quiet down.
All my best to you,
Jaclyn
JADE comes to mind as a good Alanon tool. You don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain. I realize it's almost a reflex to secondguess your ability to think for yourself after living with his comments for so many years.
When my marriage was coming to an end, my exah continuously tried to put doubts in my mind concerning my ability to live independent of him. He was successful at it because earlier in the marriage when he'd been functional, I'd allowed him to make many decisions that impacted either just myself or both of us rather than being a full participant in that process.
When I asserted independent thinking, he viewed this as a threat to his control over me. I had found recovery and through working the steps, meetings, a sponsor and finding a god of my understanding (not my husband) I began acting on my own behalf and growing from those risks to take responsibility for myself. It's commendable that you're not in denial concerning him and the fact that you are in a divorce and that joint decisions at this point only concern your child.
I know this is a very difficult time for you with a lot of lose ends that need to be tied up. I know what it's like to have that person in your head haunting you day in and day out and how emotionally torturous that can feel. I found when these obsessive thoughts started replacing them with the name of my higher power simply calling out to my higher power was calming for me and helped me to center myself again.
I found that only dropping in to Alanon didn't help me very much. Of course nobody could tell me any differently at the time. In my mind, I had too many problems to deal with to take time out to work the Alanon program. Basically, I was looking for a quick fix. I usually got it. People here and at face to face meeting are loving and supportive but I had no Alanon tools like Alanon books, a sponsor or understanding of a higher power who loved me unconditionally. With that said, my growth continued to be slow, my fears, obsession and hopelessness returned within an hour of going to an Alanon meeting. I didn't take there Alanon member phone lists home and call anybody. I just winged it until things got so bad I no longer could. When an Alanoner would ask me after a meeting if I was getting to any other face to face Alanon meeting (because I was so jumpy) it aggravated me that they asked me that question. It aggravated me that someone suggest I work the steps and get an Alanon sponsor. I could have at least saved myself some grief literally if I had done that early on as was suggested.
I wish you serenity as you continue to go through the divorce process. And although this might sound a little strange to you at this time... congratulations on your new car. Congratulations concerning making the decision, seeing it through on your own. Beyond the vehicle, those actions are wonderful gifts you've given yourself and a great example of independence for your daughter in my humble opinion. Thank you for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Not so easy in the midst of life changing moments, but I find that gratitude and asset lists help me to replace the negative noise. I also have a store of supportive voices, good things that nice people have said about me and their comments help me to restore my self trust. Eventually I hope to learn how to do it without relying on other people's feedback!!